my mom is a different person, not the woman I know

juliecasaday

Hi,

I am new. my daughter suggested I look into support group. I read some of posts and its already helped me.

my mom is 86, has host of health problems including uncontrolled diabetes but started having dementia symptoms when pandemic happened. before that, she was living in independent senior high rise apt and going to senior day care 3-4 days per wk and doing very well. but CV caused her day prog to go virtual and her refusal to get vaccine caused isolation as we were all afraid of giving her cv. since then she has been forgetting to take her pills for 4 days in 11/2022 and so she moved in with me. she had also had fall and her diabetes was out of control. I got her blood sugar under control but she began to get paranoid and accusing my husband of stealing her money. she has had hoarding problem for many years but I never knew it could be sign of dementia. about 4 mths ago I noticed that she is very angry, every day, at me mostly and saying some freaky stuff. but she was accusing me to tricking her into coming to my house and then not paying her rent and losing her apt. she also has been having problems expressing herself in words. sometimes when you ask her questions, she just laughs and laughs and doesn't answer. I took her to senior PCH where there are 15 other seniors in their 80s and have mild to moderate dementia. I lied to her to get her in the car and left her there 4 wks ago. I have been riddled with guilt but she doesn't speak English she speaks Korean and this is 100% Korean run place with Korean seniors and korean food and they even get to go to day care cntr 2xwk. I thought she would love it by now but he calls 20x some days and 5 the next day. she is no longer nice to me, she demands that I come get her and bring her home and she is mean and angry. this is not my mother. the woman I know is the most kind and soft spoken woman who would sacrifice herself for others. on mothers day, my daughter called her to wish her happy mother's day and 1st time in her life she yelled at my daughter and hung up on her. this personality change has been the most difficult to understand. but after reading posts, I am beginning to wonder if she has FTD? she hits the mark with hoarding, loss of empathy, loss of language skills and she is unsteady, fell and always dizzy. she also reports that left side of her face is twitching and numb. She has been high maintence at the PCH having behavior issues there too and I am so scared that they will kick her out. I've never gotten any guardianship or power of attorney and am wondering if I should persue that?

does she sound like she has FTD? she acts like she is crying but there is never any tears. and she just waited all day till I got home and started verbally attacking me every day for months!

I am still dealing with a lot of guilt. she had to go to ER today due to high blood sugar and I wanted to go see her but the PCH advised me against seeing her bc they said as soon as she sees me, she might get more agitated.

any help would be comforting to me and my family at this time.

julie

Emily 123

Hello,

Yes, you should pursue POA, and if she lacks the capacity to assign you as POA then pursue guardianship, though I believe that can be expensive. Visiting an elder law attorney might be helpful in sorting things out.

Does she have a diagnosis of dementia? Have you had her physician refer her to a specialist like a neuropsychologist or neurologist? If you want a more precise diagnosis that would be helpful. There may be a difference in the meds prescribed for FTD vs. AD vs. Lewy Body. In the meantime, Is her provider aware of her behavioral issues and have they prescribed anything? Meds or med adjustment would be a good place to start to help her be less agitated and help her settle in.

It sounds like she's having trouble adjusting, which isn't unusual. Moves are very disorienting as the person with dementia needs a lot of time to create a new routine. Don't feel guilty about not picking up the phone every time she calls. She's forgetting that she's already talked to you, and so you keep getting calls over and over. The disease causes her to blame you for...everything, because she can no longer make sense of things. It really stinks to be the villian. For now you are a trigger for her emotions, and it might be easier on you and her to interact less if you're picking up all those calls. It sounds like you've done a great job taking care of her and trying to get her placed in a home where she can be comfortable. Neither you nor she can help what the disease is doing to her.

You've probably already read this, but it helped me a lot:

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

FlowerpowerVt

I understand what you are going through and it’s so hard!!! I have been living with my mom for two years and she’s getting more childlike every day but also abusive!! She totally manipulates me to get her way. Sometimes she gets msd at me and says the exact same thing she’s said ten times before.. it’s like a recording. “You never talk to me,” “you don’t trust me,” “you don’t like me” and then writes me the same apology note. I’ve been suffering from depression for the first time in my life and feels like she’s stolen two years from me, yet I feel compelled to take care of her. Ugh!

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juliecasaday

Thank you all for your insightful messages. I have spoken to my mom and we began talking calmly but it eventually ended up with her being accusatory and angry at me and making me feel more guilty :" I cared for you like you are princess and look what you did to me.." stuff like that. I could not control my emotions and started crying and had to hang up on her. but I plan to try again and I am planning to visit her later this month and I am hopeful that she will be happy to see me but I will be prepared if she is not.

It is so helpful to read all these posts and reinforcing that I am doing the right thing. now, instead of thinking about my mom and feeling guilty and sad about our situation, I think about the inevitable future of her illness getting worse where I can not take care of her and I am so relieved to know that I don't have to and she is in safe place where others will.

thank you all. julie