By LSUshad. Fourth week of Memory Care

LSUshad

The last time I posted, I was about to place my DW in memory care. We dropped her off on April 28, and now she has been there almost 4 full weeks. We (my daughter and I) were advised to stay away from the facility for two weeks. Our first visit with her was on Mother’s Day. Since then, I have visited four times, every 2-3 days.

Every time I visit she says that she does not belong in “this place.” She wants to know when I will take her home. She can’t understand why “I don’t want her.” She has accused me of looking for another woman. She likes the staff there, and they are wonderful with her. But she says the other residents there are “crazy.” A couple of times she has expressed a lot of anger with me, saying that she would never do this to me.

According to the staff, her anxiety has been pretty high this week. She comes to the desk frequently to ask about when I will come and pick her up and take her home. But she is typically engaged in activities. They send pictures of her smiling and they post videos on their FaceBook page and she is taking part.

My counselor and staff tell me that this is not unusual and that it will take her a while to become assimilated in the MC facility. I am concerned however, about her increasing anxiety, and wonder if I need to space visits more. Or perhaps she needs an increase in her Seroquel. I’m pretty sure I am the one triggering her anxiety.

One final observation. When she was at our home and I was caregiving 24/7 she would become anxious about being in our home, and she would want to leave. The last night she was at home she sat on the couch and cried, begging me to take her somewhere else. I told her I would. That is when I began the transition to MC.

I don’t know if I am asking for advice, or just seeking wisdom from those who have a similar experience. Whatever, it helps me to put this to words. Thanks for reading the ramble.

M1

I am glad you've survived your first month. It coincides exactly with our move on April 28 from one facility to another--which is working out much, much better. I am a trigger for my partner too---but as she has accommodated to the new space, I am less of a trigger and she is getting much more used to my being there. But today we had our first outside doctor's appointment in a year--and it did trigger a lot of "why can't i just go home with you?" and when not in the facility, she doesn't remember that she has a room there.

What is working for us now is to say that she is there to do physical therapy on her back (which they are, and which the other place never did). I don't know if you can come up with some sort of excuse like that; nothing like that every worked last year, so it may just take time and more time and more time. Because I am able to be there more, she is on the verge of doing less "packing up" like she is moving out--we have dealt with that for a year, too. Long way of saying--you'll just have to wait and see. I hope you find some things that work. I have probably spent more time with my partner in the past four weeks that I spent with her in all of last year. Today when we got back from the outside appointment, we sat in the front lobby while she finished her Wendy's Frosty (I'll know she's truly sick when she won't eat a Frosty), then ate lunch and took a nap. I kissed her goodbye around 2 pm and she barely woke up, didn't protest. It was so nice.

Ed1937

I'm sorry we can't just say "Here's you new home", and they get thrilled hearing that. I don't think it's possible to know how long it will take to get acclimated to the new place, and M1 is a testament to that. I don't remember hearing of anyone having such a hard time as he and his partner. Hopefully things will calm down rather quickly, and you won't be such a trigger anymore.

LSUshad

M1 and Ed both of your comments are so helpful. M1, when my DW was still here at home, she would often pack up her suitcase because she thought we were leaving here. She had felt increasingly like this was not our home, and even said sometimes that we were just renting it while on vacation. I finally hid the suitcase, and then she would pack up other bags. The same behaviors continue in the MC facility. She wants to leave there, and she also wanted to leave here. The disease has robbed her of a true sense of “home.” So it is encouraging to read your comment that you have been spending more time with her. That truly gives me hope.

M1

Do hang in there. This has no question been the longest, hardest year of my life, with only a couple of "even close" comparisons when my kids were teenagers and testing every limit. I think disease progression may, sadly, be our friend here.

I have minimized the number of any kind of containers in her room that can be used to "pack up." She does still try to put her belongings in her laundry hamper and her trash can, unfortunately, but these are relatively easily unpacked. she has a box for art supplies (she used to be quite the artist) and I found three pairs of underwear in it this week (you have to chuckle) as well as her toothbrush and her backscratcher.

I do empathize, with all my heart. It's all painful, painful. She told the physical therapist today that she couldn't remember where I was or why she was there. I may try a white board, but visual reminders haven't worked very well in the past. If I take family photographs, she packs them up because she doesn't want anyone to take them. Maybe she'd draw on the white board? I don't think it could hurt.

Dio

It's been 6 weeks since placement for DH, and I'm still waffling between to visit or not. I fear that seeing me will trigger his aggression and combativeness, which, if out of control, can be cause for eviction. It's just too unpredictable with LBD.

M1

Dio I've been wondering how you were. Do keep us posted, and you too Lsu.

Dio

Thanks, M1. I look forward to the day I can spend time with DH, too, without agitation. And I hope I can learn to calm my nerves because I'm still sitting on pins and needles. It's torturous being on this dementia journey. Unfailingly, just as I start to relax whenever I thought DH was on an upturn, he'd take a sudden dive. And just as I feel unencumbered having to care for DH 24/7, I'd get a call from the facility...😰😔 I've resigned to the fact that this doesn't end until it ends.

toolbeltexpert

Lsushad my dw is starting month 11 at mc. She still asks if I am taking her home, I visit every day,I haven't missed a day yet but maybe I should I just can't fathom not visiting. I know every pwd is different and hope you will be able to visit without being the trigger. M1 I am like you only progression can change things but then I be wishing for something else. A peaceful ending to this terrible disease.

Stewart