Newbie w/mom in memory care in another country

csaunders

Im a nurse living in usa and my moms in canada now in memory care.
While she is being well cared for andis set up this is my 2md trip to visit her and i see a marked difference in her. Shes not thre like she was.
I know i must prepare for the inevitable she is 92 after all but my heart is breaking as i lose her over n over.
I don't cry around her it upsets her but i cried all the way home today.
Im trying to be the daughter and grieve and not the nurse and do med reconcilation and manage her care.
Anyfeedback is appreciated.
I am Praying and practicing gratitude daily that she's pleasant and not angry and shes not in pain and is fed and kept conforya ly. My niece and brother live nearby and visit
Very regularly.
I am also wracked with guilt.
Thanks
Connie

aramy13

Connie, I am so sorry for your situation. I can relate all too well. I am a nurse living in CA with a mother who was just diagnosed with Mild Alzheimers at 75, now she's 76. I feel an extreme amount of guilt for not being there daily. I am also grieving the changes I see in her as she is already forgetting important things I share with her.

I am glad that your mom is in a safe place and hope that she is getting compassionate care in the memory care facility. I'm sure having your niece and brother nearby is helpful, but it doesn't take the pain away from seeing your once strong and supportive mother decline.

Is it appropriate to share phone numbers? If so, let me know if you would like to chat via phone some time. I'm not in love with the computer stuff, but am really trying to seek some help and support during this tough time.

Take care of yourself,
Analise

Jo C.

Please see NOTE at the bottom of this Posting.

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Hello Connie, I am sorry for what is happening, this is a very difficult situation not only involving our Loved One's (LOs) changes and care, but deeply involving the heart; I understand.

I am an RN and have lost my beloved mother to dementia. No matter she was in her 90's when she died, and no matter that I was aware technically as a very experienced RN of what was happening over the course of her disease, it was still a very emotional time deeply feeling the impending loss and knowing she would soon be gone from my life and nothing would ever be the same again. It was beyond heartbreaking and grief is part of it for most of us. My mother was a vibrant woman, who was strong out of need in her life and she could do anything and was a very good mother and grandmother; it made it all the more difficult to bear witness to the evolving changes that took all of that and her personality away from her and be unable to do anything about it. We nurses are especially built for "doing something!" In this, such a helpless feeling not being able to "do" to stop it all and to protect.

I too felt "guilt," for multiple things, but a dear friend pointed out, it really was not guilt, but deeply felt regret. When I thought of it in that context, it was true. Regret, not guilt.

Connie, what we can do is to ensure our LOs comfort and care; you have seen to that and know she is comfortable and well cared for; you know this as her loving and deeply caring daughter. The emotional part is indeed part of the process we face and the specter of loss and nothing ever being the same again. Logic and emotion live on different planes of existence. Logic tells us one thing; but emotion feels. Grief is part of loving another when loss is near and has been ongoing. It is also good to recall what a wonderful thing it is to love so deeply and to have been loved; that is a gift beyond measure.

Many tears were shed for my mother and I often woke up at night not only thinking of whether I had missed anything for my mother's comfort care, but also in feeling my deep grief for what was happening. That too is part of the process we live through.

When I was with my mother later in her disease, even though she no longer knew who I was, and even though at the end of her life she could no longer speak or more than likely even process incoming words, when I sat at her bedside, I would softly tell her about her life and how much she is loved. I spoke about what a wonderful mother she was; memories about Christmas times and other holidays we celebrated, picnics, her sewing and cooking, the funny things, the sweet endearing things; it was sharing my heartfelt memories with her in thanksgiving. It also seemed to help me; perhaps in some way she could hear me but could not communicate, I will never know, but it seemed a very dear thing to do. Each time I was with her, I did that.

The day came, after eight years of dementia, when she passed; I was fortunate to be able to be with her when it happened; I had been fearful about it, but in actuality it was peaceful; such a loss and so empty a space that there were no words for it. Yet; I found I too was at peace even in my grief. I think of her often, even several years after her death; sometimes I talk to her and even thank her for all she was in my life. How blessed I was to have her as my mother and I wish I had been more cognizant of that as we went through the healthy years, but we are all human and we all err in one way or another and we do not always see that until something happens to bring it all to the fore.

You are a wonderfully loving daughter and your mother is blessed to have your love and care. If she could comfort you, she would. Even though you are at a distance, you make trips to see her; you can send flowers or lotion or an afghan or other small gifts to be present when you cannot be there in person with her. Love never, ever dies. We really are truly blessed to have had our mothers who loved us; I am so very sorry for all that you are feeling so deeply as this dreadful dementia continues its advance. If feelings become overwhelming and affecting your life, it may be a good idea to seek out a local support group or to seek a good counselor who understands dementia and loss; that can be a very good place to work through all that is being experienced.

I send warmest of thoughts your way from one daughter to another,

J.

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NOTE: I am not at all intending to be insulting nor casting doubt upon another person or any person, but it is important to never accept a complete stranger's invitation for private off-site contact or to offer a private contact to a stranger . . . in fact, ALZConnected professionals strongly recommend against that as it is a risk; this is intended to be a safe and supportive community. We never truly know who is on the other end of the electronic tether. One can communicate easily on this place, or even start a private "Group"on this site for more direct private contact; that is much safer for both parties. There are unfortunately opportunists who prowl support sites looking for contacts to begin their attempts to "groom" a person with intent to take advantage, and/or individuals who have significant mental health issues. I am not saying that is what is happening here at all; not in any way, it is just a good heads up for everyone trying to be supportive in reaching out to unknown others in kindness.

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Jo C.

Hello to you too Analise; I too was not exactly enthralled with the electronic communication when I began coming here long ago. But stick with it, there is so much support and so much experiential wisdom and knowledge that other Members share. Frankly, it is what kept my head above water when going through some of the more difficult times.

I too am in CA and I too could not be present each day for my mother which also caused me to feel a little less like a "good" daughter; well, sometimes a lot less. We can judge ourselves too harshly and most often undeserved. We do the best we can most of the time.

It really was difficult for me to always remember the limitations in the earlier days, and when my mother became angry at me for nothing or an imagined nothing, I would try to explain or argue a point which of course was only making things worse. Hardest thing I had to learn was to let go. When I learned to validate the feelings behind the words rather than the words themselves, it made things much easier. At first, not so easy especially when she reached a state where she would falsely blame me for something not done. Groan. I would apologize and validate her feelings and say that would have made me feel upset too and I would not do that again or would do better next time - and then re-focus onto something else. Surprise! That and an occasional necessary therapeutic fiblet became good tools for my dear mother in saving her upsets.

The slow loss of capabilities and cognition and changes in personality were the most sadly difficult. Aricept to slow down dementia's progress only works for some persons with dementia some of the time and for a short period of time; she could not take it due to severe GI reaction; but then we found an excellent Neurologist and found she did not have Alzheimer's Disease as initially diagnosed; she had a behavioral variant of FrontoTemporal Dementia. Meds for Alz's are often contraindicated in FTD. Oh my! Tried to keep her involved and socialized but came to realize that was MY value system, not hers and it was not comfortable for her and I must learn to adapt to her world reality as she could no longer live in the true reality that we do and was not at all pleased with all was trying to do. My bad; I had a lot to learn. Not at all like having a patient in an acute med center with three shifts of nurses and aides.

Most important for our Loved Ones who are moving into their disease is to have routine and structure to their days and environment. Change and too much stimulation is their enemy.

You are a deeply caring daughter and like me, not able to be with her every day or even as often as you wish. That resonates with me as I too faced that. Had to work, but there was care in place which as long as that was chosen well, she was doing well. Still . . . as said in the Post above; logic is not on the same plane of existence as emotion, and it is quite an emotional laden experience.

We will get to know you a bit more as you visit more often, I also send you warmest of wishes from one daughter to another.

J.

csaunders

Ladies

I posted a very longstory andresponsetoyourcommentsonthispost anditdidnotsave :(

I canonlysaythankyou

Andtellingherstoriesreallyhelps us both

Tysm

Connie