Adult Day Care Update

mommafour

I posted last month about the great experience I had getting my DH to comply with going to Adult Day Care. I reported the success I had convincing him to attend and how much he loved his first day. I was extremely relieved to find the perfect solution for DH while I'm at work. I received a lot of great comments from several of you. Well....I spoke too soon. I picked him up the second day and he had a complete reversal. He was angry and said he hated it, he watched TV all day (his choice), and he doesn't like the other people. He has since very strongly refused to get out of bed, get dressed, and into the car. I can't "force" him to attend. He won't listen to other family members. My heart dropped. I was too upset to even post this update until now. This brought back the "I'm buying a car today" discussion several times per day, which I have been dealing with for months. I talked to the Adult Day Care Director, who said he seemed fine that day and nothing happened that should have changed his mind. He will have a spot anytime he returns. I'm holding off for awhile and will try again in a few weeks. He also isn't at all compliant with other caregiving necessities. He's a tough one. Ugh.

M1

Im so sorry. Negativity and naysaying are a hard thing- my partner does this too, says no even to things i know shed enjoy. What a monkeywrench into your plans, too-thats the part he can't appreciate. Makes everything harder.

Ed1937

I'm sorry for the change. My initial reaction was "Great! It's good to see something positive".

storycrafter

Oh no! That's so hard; such a difficult turn of events. Such hope, only to have it dashed like that. I wish it weren't so discouraging. Your thoughts about trying again later are worth a shot. I send strength, comfort, and wish you relief.

Noemit1966

It's sad and I understand how you are feeling and going through. My DH no longer wants to go out of the home only to church on Sundays. I have to beg him to go food shopping with me by telling him he can buy whatever he wants. He never wants to be away from me. I had to retire early at 22 years of service from a job I truly adored. I was only 55. Stay strong and try again! Take care, Noemi

Dio

Mommafour, so sorry for your DH's reversal. It doesn't even matter which dementia he suffers from; the disease has taken over the mind and makes caring for them so much more difficult. I hope he'll have another change of "attitude" and embrace adult day care again, and soon. My DH didn't, among many other difficulties. So I placed him in memory care. I wish I had better info to share. Just don't lose hope. The universe will open the right door for you and your DH.

Iris L.

Can you tell him they would like him to return to help them out with the other attendants? Sort of like a volunteer job? Don't make it about his need to be supervised.

mrahope

I wish I had good advice for you, mommaoffour, but I can only say I understand your pain and frustration. So far, my DH has continued to refuse almost all options for care that I've tried to offer him/us. First was a care planning process, then an adult day care (even despite a successful visit) that he refused three times to even try for part of a day, most recently I got an in-home caregiver/driver to help in the afternoons and he ended up fighting with her. We are now waiting for the agency to try and find another person to work with him. I am feeling like I'm at my wits end. Feel like no matter what I try, it's doomed to failure. Does anyone else have a LO like this?

JudyMorrowMaloney

Mrahope. OooooH Yeah! I have a DH just like that. He won't cooperate with anything!! He won't even try an adult day care and practically went ballistic when mentioning it. I have had people come into the home to help out and he won't cooperate with them. He says he doesn't want anyone else in the house. He won't take showers, won't allow anyone else to bathe him, won't go to doctors appointments, won't use a wheel chair. I can't get him to go to the doctor regardless of explaining why he needs to go, He has an eye infection but won't go to the doctor to get it treated because he "feels like sh-t", has back problems and has trouble walking but won't go to a doctor for the same reason. He falls alot when he tries to walk even with the walker. He can't sit upright without assistance. All he wants to do is lay on the couch all day and not do anything that will make our lives easier. I have to wash him in bed, help him get up an walk using a walker, fetch the urinal... nada! nada! nada! Yet he complains about all of his ailments! When I try to explain to him that they are not going to get better without going to the doctor, it doesn't seem to register with him. I get it!

Dio

Same here. Nothing has worked, not even the Teepa Snow suggestions. I've concluded that DH has mapped his own destiny. I can't "make" him happy since he doesn't seem to want to be happy. I can only make sure that he's well cared for in this wretched journey.

tigersmom

Mommafour, I am so sorry that this didn't work for you and your DH. It was so great to read how successful your first try had been. I hope you can take a deep breath and at some point in the future, try again. Sometimes it seems with this disease, that'll that we can do. Feeling a little frustrated myself today; DH had a great day at daycare, then came home and had a meltdown when the only one of the 20 fleece jackets he owns and wants to wear was in the wash. It's always something.

mommafour

Thanks for your comments everyone! We all know how difficult this journey can be. I've decided to take the same attitude, for now, as I do with his lack of nutrition. "You want to eat nothing but ice cream for lunch? Okay, whatever." For this issue my attitude is "You want to sleep in bed all day instead of socializing and engaging in fun activities? Fine, whatever." His non-compliance is very frustrating but I refuse to let it stress me to the point that my own health is affected. I'll let this problem go for awhile but I know I'll eventually need to be more forceful about his care in order to keep him safe.

gampiano

Hi Mommafour,

IMO its perfectly fine to take that approach, and I'm doing the same thing. Nothing about our situations is predictable, and boy, have we learned to "go with the flow"! The dietary stuff used to really bother me, but now, i simply don't plan "meals" the way i used to. There's always something available if my DH decides to eat real food (as he picks the greens and most vegetables out of the dish and puts them aside like he did when he was a kid). I'm taking care of myself with a healthy diet, and trying to keep him ambulatory in between the many naps.

Today we did a "spa" at home, and i shaved him and put a shampoo cap on his head. Then he went back to bed . So, i decided to color my hair and i even used a glaze at the end! (you tube) He's still sleeping, but i have nice shining hair and I might even attempt nail polish! Its either that, or garden work. Somehow the two things don't go together :)

My DH is also a day care dropout, by the way. I found a lovely person to come to the house a few days a month usually for 6 hours so that i can go out, make a plan with a friend , etc. This is working well, and hubby is much happier being at home (even though he thinks his real home is at his parents' house)

Hang in there, and treat yourself to something.

M1

Add me to the list with the uncooperative spouses. It is very frustrating, pretty much everything is met with a negative. I put up a whiteboard in her room today at MC, telling where she is, why she's there when i will be back, and-most important- not to be a jackass. It makes her laugh but is quite true.

Northeaster

Hi Mammafour,

Your journey sounds similar to mine. I signed my DH up for a day session once a week at the suggestion of his neurologist. DH has a hard time speaking (aphasia - PPA), so having him talk with others while I am not around for him to lean on was the objective. Needless to say, it's a HUGE gift to have a few hours to myself, just to work at my job remotely while he's out of the house. DH has been three times so far. The first two times, he did well, was looking forward to it, and went happily. Yesterday (his 3rd time) was a very different experience! While he's unable to speak clearly, I clearly understood the word "NO" when we arrived in the parking lot at the beginning of the day! When I unhooked his seat belt, he refastened it and tossed his sack lunch into the back seat. I got out to walk around the car to him, and he locked the door and waved "goodbye" to me. (Thankfully, I knew to keep the keys with me.) I was able to convince him just to go in and tell them that he may not be coming that day. When we did, the staff was at the door cheerfully greeting him with huge welcoming smiles on their faces. This greeting turned around his resistive attitude and he agreed to stay and began participating with others. When I started driving away in my car, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my DH walking out of the building with one of the workers chasing after him. I just smiled and waved to him, saying the words "I love you, have a good time and I'll see you later". While I anticipated a phone call to come and pick him up, the phone did not ring and at the designated time I went back to pick him up. When I asked him if he had a good time, he said the words, "great time". I'm so thankful! I'm wondering what next week will bring and don't have high expectations. Even if he only participates 3 times, I'm thankful for the three days that he was able to socialize and very thankful for the time that I enjoyed.

Good luck to you! I like your attitude of not letting his behavior stress you out!

Sometimes overwhelmed

I'm so sorry about the day care reversal. My DH agreed to try it out (after three months of searching for and finally finding semi-local daycare).

We visited the facility, and he liked the people, was agreeable about attending. On his first day, I took him inside, and then sat in the car for an hour before leaving the parking lot. Fifteen minutes later, I got a call from the staff saying that he had gone into the office, grabbed keys off the desk, and was in the bathroom. I went back, and convinced him to come with me to the car.

I didn't try it again, as the daycare is over a half hour away from our home, and there are no nearby places to wait while testing out whether he would be more cooperative the next time. But everyone's different, and hopefully, your husband will agree to give the daycare another chance.

I'm very fortunate that I have found a caregiver that he likes, so I can get out to do things a couple of times a week on my own.

This is my first comment here. I've been reading the discussions for a while, have gotten some useful information and have found it comforting to know that I'm not alone on this journey.

mommafour

Sometimes overwhelmed - welcome. The info from other members here is so valuable.

Sorry to hear that many of you are experiencing the same day-care refusal by your LO. Next step for my DH, in the near future, will be getting an in-home caregiver for a few hours per day / 3 days per week while I'm at work. I work from home 2 days/wk to watch over him. I predict that he'll refuse that too, but ultimately he won't have a choice. I'm 16 years younger than DH and love my job, not ready to retire. Going to work is currently my only respite.

M1 - I love your whiteboard joke. I'll keep that in mind for future use.

Jeff86

My DW a few years back went for a test run at a great adult day care facility. After an hour, she refused to stay for lunch, andwould not return. Everyone’s experience is offering, of course….