Too much of a cynic?

M1

So i had an interesting talk today with the occupational therapist who's been evaluating my partner. She had a number of suggestions for things she wants to try- all of which she says my partner heartily endorsed when she was there, and almost all of which i completely expect to fail. For example, she wants to put her in a back brace-BTDT, she won't leave it on. She wants me to put up a calendar or white board to remind her where she is and when I'll be back--BTDT, she's past visual cues helping, i bought one of those nice Alzheimer's clock/calendars last year but she constantly unplugged it and kept packing it up. She wants me to bring in more familiar things from home-ditto, they'll just get packed up.. But I didn't want to come across as a complete naysayer-i dont know if it's my cynicism or her naivete or some combination of the two. And I'm sure sure my partner was showtiming her, saying she just loved the brace and why hadn't anyone suggested it sooner. Well sure enough by the time our good friends got there to visit this afternoon she was complaining about how uncomfortable it was and couldn't wait to get it off.

Soo...im going buy a cheap whiteboard tomorrow and let them try it. Not much to lose- but i was very aware of my own negativity, nihilism, whatever you want to call it. Feels like spitting in the wind. But try, try again I suppose. Just a little observation.

Ed1937

We're pulling for you, M1. Hopefully the whiteboard will work out well.

storycrafter

You're not "too much of a cynic," M1. Just a realist. You know your LO better than anyone.

People think they "know," and they want to help, be optimistic, and share their expertise. (I know you already know this. Wouldn't it be wonderful if people really "got it" and would/could acknowledge/convey that to us so we felt heard!❣️) Sometimes there's no telling them; they just have to see and experience it for themselves.

You've had so much experience with your partner and know the likely outcome. It's great you're still open-hearted and willing to let the occupational therapist try her experiments. I hope something might work as the therapist intends. ... You are not a cynic. You are full of experience with your LO and have in-depth life wisdom. You are big-hearted such that you allow that you may reasonably have a bias ... and you're tolerant enough to let others learn from their own attempts.

Vitruvius

No one who has cared as much for your LO could possibly be considered a cynic. A realist certainly, all diehard caregivers are realists. But a cynic, never.

Dio

M1, you know your wife best, and you have gone through hell on this journey. A realist, for sure. But I hear you. I've become a cynic, too, having seen and experienced what I had to endure. Still, I don't want to give up on hope, ever. Hope is what keeps us going. But I must remind myself that within that hope there's reality, too. I will try everything and anything, at least once. If it fails, I'll try the next thing and continue until I'm incapable of trying.

harshedbuzz

@M1 You are not a cynic-- you have wisdom born of experience and a deep understanding of your LO.

Kudos to you for allowing her to try and for not saying "it's cute you think that" aloud.

HB

toolbeltexpert

M1 I got the same suggestions, like, write a note telling her I had to go to work and would be back at 7am. I took them with a grain of sand. Calenders pictures all ready to go home TODAY! every day the cats I bought her are going home with us. Everything is packed never looked at,worried about being stolen. I minimized the stuff so I can keep up with what's missing. Now I am not saying that some of those suggestions are not helpful. There is one lady at the mc who has a notepad and writes every detail,like what time breakfast was served, who sat at the table,what her blood pressure was. She still plays rummy with another resident. I am not sure what type of dementia she has but she is higher functioning than 90%. I am glad your time with your dw has improved greatly. I will be interest in how the white board goes I have one I just never tried it at the memory care. Dw used one at home. Thanks for this post maybe I just need to try that. Anything that would help is worth the effort.

Stewart

Quilting brings calm

Sounds like the occupational therapist is going down the list of standard therapies. Most of which you’ve already tried, and they failed. At some point she will get to the bottom of her list and then have to become inventive.

I’ve run across the same thing at my parents’ AL. Every time we get a new director, nurse, activity director, we go through the list of standard suggestions. It’s sort of comical except it’s annoying due to the turnover rate. Yesterday I was told that the latest director has been fired. No idea why. I think that was number 5 ( or 6) in 3.5 years. So we will start the process of running through suggestions again with some interim director and then a new ‘permanent’ one.

one therapist recommended writing everything down on notes and keeping a monthly calendar on the table. All that did was cause mom to obsess on the notes and the calendar. It’s very annoying to repetitively discuss an appointment that’s three weeks from now.

jfkoc

Realist not cynic. Just be mindful of "incoming" spit.....

Note; your partner might just use the whiteboard to draw/doodle on. Amazon has washable dry erase markers.

White Crane

M1, If you’re a cynic, so am I. I have a large calendar on the wall that my husband refuses to look at. Yesterday, I was talking on the phone to an Alzheimer’s specialist. She was telling me ways to get my DH to take a shower. I had to smile to myself. I had already tried them. They didn’t work.

Jo C.

Dear reality based kindly person . . . cannot count the times I had to say, "We have tried those dynamics in the past and they did not work. Perhaps, (being kind), things have changed; you can try again if you wish." Let it go, and without exception, things turned out exactly they way they had in the past.

O.T. is trying with all her education to do what she has in her bag of O.T. approaches and is trying; she will learn by experience for your Partner.

J.

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Iris L.

Professionals nowadays are going by "evidence-based research." They can only go by what they have been taught rotely to do, they are reluctant to step out of the box and treat the patient according to where the patient actually is. It is a form of group think. They should be asking, "what have you already tried?" and take it from there.

Iris