Adult Day Care Experiences by PookieBlue

PookieBlue

May 26, 2023

   This post is directed at spousal caregivers and their experiences with getting spouse to attend adult daycare. I hope to be able to leave my DH at adult day care so I can be away from the house for a couple of hours every eight weeks to begin with, and more frequently as needed. My DH has always been the most introverted person I have ever met. His only few friends have passed away. I don’t expect him to actually participate in activities, but he might watch for a short time. He is ambulatory, but not real steady. He takes frequent naps, but these have become shorter with time. He walks out to get his newspaper and reads it daily. He rarely initiates anything on his own and mostly only watches the news. He counts on me for everything. He does shave and takes care of his bathroom needs without my micromanaging.

    My plan is to treat that day as any other day that my DH accompanies me on an errand or to his eye doctor. I basically take him everywhere with me, albeit most of the time it is just getting groceries. I need to take him to his primary doctor mid June as he needs a physical and referral to attend day care. He hasn’t seen this doctor since before lock downs, but did have memory tests etc at that time which showed mild to moderate cognitive impairment. I will give the doctor a written message prior to his being seen. I prefer the doctor not mention anything about adult care to DH as I know that will just complicate my mission. 

    My DH most of the time will cooperate with me when I am directing him. The problem will be that I am ALWAYS around to micromanage his needs. I think he is probably rated a 6C on the FAST scale. I do not plan on any discussion with him regarding Adult Day Care. I probably need to take him on a trial run before my appointment day just so I am available for a worse case scenario. If this is not successful, I will have to ask my daughter for her help with her step dad. I’m sure she will be more than willing to help me. I just rarely ever ask for anyone’s help for anything. 

    I would be appreciative of listening to other’s stories about their successes and failures when they were going through this type of scenario.

    Thank you in advance. I have learned much from this site.

Valerie from Pacific Northwest 

tigersmom

Hi, Valerie. Congratulations on taking this step -- I know you have been thinking about it for a while. I have posted about my husband's journey before, but here is an update. Today marked the end of four months of adult day care, one day a week. It is going better and better all the time. My husband is still not happy at being separated from me when we arrive, but once I leave, he is fine. Today he colored some wild animals (beautifully), took a break to pet and give treats to the visiting dog, and spent the afternoon socializing with everyone, but in particular with a new male client whom he likes. He went through an adjustment period for the first two months. It got better when I let him take his phone so he could call or text me when he wishes, and packed a lunch for him since he wouldn't eat their food (I added a note saying when I'd back, and that I loved him). It also got better when his doctor started him on a low dose of Celexa, an antidepressant that helped quell his separation anxiety. All in all, it has been a success. Next month I am starting him on a second day. He really benefits from it because he is bored at home and no longer able to entertain himself. He is also a pretty social guy, and I think being able to be that way with like-minded people is helpful to him. I wish you luck with your DH. Tell the staff about anything he likes doing at home (reading the newspaper, etc.) so they can try to tailor some activities specifically for him. Let them help you when you arrive so you can make your getaway. And don't stop trying. I could easily have given in and stopped taking him, and now I'm glad I didn't.

P.S. I agree there is no need to discuss it in advance. I tell him when we're outside the door, ringing the bell for admittance.

PookieBlue

Thank you tigersmom.

I wish DH was more social, but luckily he is rarely rude to anyone unless that temporary dark dementia cloud shows up. He has a good sense of humor. I know he is bored, but much of the time I am too busy to entertain him much. It would be great if he could develop new interests. He did start going to church with me even though we are of different religions. Prior to dementia he wouldn’t ever have come with me, but now he doesn’t really differentiate between our two religions. It does break my heart to see him wander around the house in his own lost world, so hopefully adult day care will be of benefit to him. Thanks again for the input.

gampiano

Hi There,

After doing day care last fall, September through November, we took a winter hiatus. My DH tolerated the program as long as her was able to be outdoors for part of the time, where he helped with the patio garden and bird feeders. As soon as the weather got cold, he was miserable being confined , and kept trying to leave the facility. Getting these reports on a daily basis from the staff was very stressful. Also, as the days got shorter it was difficult to get him out of the house and over there by 9:am. Too early for him in Winter.Their hours are 9 to 1.

So.. I opted to put the money that we were spending on 3 days a week in day care towards hiring a private care giver who comes a few days a month for 6 to 8 hours, depending on what i have to do, etc. This is working much better, my husband is happier, and I have much less stress . Her primary responsibility is to keep eyes on him, maybe take him out on a walk, make lunch, etc. Thus far, she hasn't had to help him with PC, so that could be challenging, as he even gives me a hard time with this stuff. We are always adapting , aren't we?

I hope this works out for you, as it is a great resource.

Best of Luck.

Ernie123

Hi Valerie. I am glad to share my experience with day programs. My DW went once a week for a few years until her condition progressed to the point she had to be placed in memory care. As mentioned above, don’t discuss in advance, just go. She would always resist going, be grumpy on the drive but once there would immediately smile and enjoy the friendly social atmosphere. Then on the way home she would say how nice the people were there! Looking back, she was very anxious about being separated from me and felt threatened to be going somewhere unfamiliar. For the first few minutes I would stay and then quietly leave when she was distracted. An Alzheimer’s Society counselor pointed out that as the condition progresses simple social interactions with people who are not family members are important and that type of communication remains when other cognitive skills may fade. Smiling, saying hello, responding to simple questions are great for someone with dementia. They would play Bingo, read stories aloud, play music and engage in simple conversations. It also was a few hours of respite for me, which was so important for my mental health. My DW is now in advanced stages living in a small memory care facility. She is in a wheelchair, incontinent, has difficulty talking, does not always recognize me. But she still wants to be out in the common living area with the other residents. She smiles and tries to respond to conversations. Though she cannot verbalize her feelings, I know she likes being part of a group, much she did years ago at the day program. When living at home alone with a spouse, that social component is missing and that is why I think the day programs are so valuable to our LO’s as well as providing respite time for you as caregiver. Such a challenging journey for you, let us know how things go.

PookieBlue

Gampiano,

Thank you for your input. The facility I am in contact with seems to be flexible with their hours, and I just emailed them to get more specifics. It would be difficult for me to get DH anywhere by 9 am. I believe we will have a punch card and with some notice can drop off LO. I have only looked into this facility as it is quite close to where we live. I will be touring it prior to drop off.

Ernie,

Thank you for your input also. My DH doesn’t always recognize me. However, he always calls me sweetie even though he often miss takes me for his sister, mother, cousin, etc. He no longer recognizes our home for the past 25 years as his. He is always seemingly headed someplace, anyplace so he can go back home. Earlier today, I went to the garage to try to figure out what was wrong with the new new garage door sensor. He had a box of 12 bottles of his wine and his shirt sitting on his Nova ready to take home. He hasn’t driven for quite awhile. I also found a steak he had taken from the garage freezer that was still cool, but thawed out. I guess I will grill it for him tonight. I’m thinking that when I do take him to day care he may perceive home differently. Thanks again for your response.

Jeanne C.

@PookieBlue my dh has been going 2 days a week for about a month now. It started roughly but it has gotten much better. There are still some mornings when he tells me he doesn't want to go, but I push through it and it works out. We had an especially hard day 2 weeks ago when the usual staff were all at a training session (40+ calls asking me to come get him - oy) but we had a great day last week where he did the art project for the day and came home saying what fun he had.

I definitely need the respite. But I also think the socialization is helping him. He now shakes hands and thanks them when he leaves.

So, until he got the hang of it, I took him without saying where we were going. Now I just say we're heading to Easterseals and he's fine with it. And remember that you are doing this to keep him safe and cared for while you take care of yourself.

PookieBlue

Jeanne C.

Thank you. I think I will need to sneak away some morning before he gets up and tour the adult care center. I believe I will have numerous care centers to research as this metro area is pretty populous. My DH hasn’t used his flip phone for awhile and even though he worked in operations and has experience programming, he hasn’t touched a computer in 40 years. So I will give him his phone also knowing he probably won’t be able to use it.