Had to lie to him

joytoy

I tried everyway I could to make my partner who is 6 yrs into this nightmare, understand I want him to go to nursing home because I just cant take care of him anymore. I am in such a bad way I cant function as a good human being anymore. I know this because I cant seem to overlook all the crap he says to me. He is so sure I am cheating with the neighbor or anyone else he can think of. This might sound minor to alot of you but Ive been putting up with this for at least a year. I keep thinking he will stop but it wont so Im stopping it permanently. There is no one to take care of him when I leave he has to go so I told him I was having a medical problem taken care of and will be in need of a couple weeks off. Only place for him is the care home and I will be back to get him when Im rested. I tried the truth at first but he was adiment he was not going to nursing home and that me and my boyfriend were putting him there so we could steal his posessions. Luckily with him not having any memory he now believes me when I changed my story to me coming back and taking him home. What else could I do? Now we will see if he actually goes. If not unfortunately adult protective services will step in to do what I couldnt. I just didnt want him to have to go through that trauma

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Denise1847

I am so sorry that you have had to ensure this and I am hoping the move will go smoothly. I pray for peace for you and your DH. This disease is a slow killer for both the patient and the caregiver. Good for you for realizing that enough is enough.

Ed1937

Joy, you didn't lie to him. You were being kind, and there's a difference. I'm sorry it has come to this, but burnout is real, and needs to be dealt with. I hope he will understand that you have to heal from your assumed procedure. Nobody here thinks your problem is minor. It is anything but. You have to do what it takes to take care of yourself.

harshedbuzz

@joytoy

I am so sorry the situation in which you find yourself.

Making these difficult decisions is hard enough without taking on unnecessary guilt caused by your DH's especially challenging behaviors. Please let that go. Your DH is past being able to reason with and it's very likely that anosognosia and a lack of empathy allow him to appreciate the toll his behavior is taking on you. Your fiblet "medical problem" has the potential to become your reality if you don't get relief from this situation.

My dad's dementia put his already difficult personality on steroids. Oh, the things of which we were accused. Like you, mom mostly cheated at every opportunity. A quick trip to Rite Aid meant enduring yet another crude and graphic description of her servicing random men in the parking lot. We did try medication which helped dial it back a bit, but not to the point where he would cooperate with his care. Everything was a battle- hygiene, medication, abstinence, eating.

I encouraged my mom to place dad. She was reluctant because of the cost and being judged. As a result, his care wasn't as good as it should have been, and she was terribly burned out. She did eventually place him. He was much more cooperative with the staff at the MCF and as a result got better care. Mom was able to visit as his wife which was a real bonus. Unfortunately, in the hopelessness of burn-out she wasn't as proactive about her own health which came with real consequences. She was hospitalized twice in the 3 months after he died. Her lack of self-care resulted in her losing the vision in one eye which means she no longer drives and is not living the life she'd hoped in Stage 8. Neither am I.

HB

saltom

Joytoy, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I also used my health issues as the reason for putting DH in MC and then was accused in graphic detail of entertaining men in our home. I persisted with the medical excuse saying I couldn't bring him home until the doctor gave me the OK. I was then told to switch doctors, that I must be going to a quack. Unfortunately the LB hallucinations made DH agitated and combative especially at night when he would get up to look for me. We had to transfer him from a residential elder car home to a MC facility where the staff was better able to work with him. The LB and bad heart won out in the end. But I think having him in MC did save my life. It is a terrible traumatic disease for everyone concerned, and, like parents, we all do the very best we can given the circumstances. I hope you find some peace and time for yourself.

joytoy

thank you all for your encouraging comments. I dont post much but I just needed someone to hear me and let me know i did the best i could just cant do it anymore. I will let you all know how it turns out. thank you so much good luck to you all

ghphotog

All the best to you.

My wife just started a new trend. As soon as she wakes up in the morning she starts yelling at me to get out or she's calling the police. This goes on for a couple of hours then I guess the mementine kicks in. Very hard for me to be pleasant towards her these days but I try my best.

Again all the best.

terei

You dont have to even tell him when you are going to the facility. Tell him you are taking him out to lunch, arrive at lunchtime, and excuse yourself. The staff will take care of everything. Quit discussing he matter entirely. He does not have the capability to make rational decisions for himself + there is no point in trying to get him to agree to anything.

Make a plan + implement it. It will go very smoothly without any irrational input from him.

M1

Do keep us posted joytoy. Agree with Ed that this is not a lie, it is in a different category. And you don't have to explain anything--to him or to us. The accusations of infidelity are especially hard to hear I know.

toolbeltexpert

Joy when it's time it's time. I also wouldn't try to explain or reason. We're going out to lunch or visit someone and just excuse your self. It isn't easy but it will work out. I too had those accusations of a girl friend ect. I just assured I love and care and drop it. You do need to take care of you.

Stewart

toolbeltexpert

CStrope

I agree Toolbeltexpert. When I started on this journey I told one of my sisters that I didn't know how long I'd be able to do this. She told me, "you do it until you can't". I'm almost to that stage. It's not even that anything major has changed, I'm just tired. Tired of not having normal conversations, tired of being yelled at for everything I try and do for DH, tired of feeling so sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, he's definitely progressing, and quite quickly, but I just have hit a wall and I sense my health deteriorating. I've gained a lot of weight, I'm extremely inactive, and I have no ambition to even accomplish household tasks. So for me.....that time is fast approaching. I just need to get my ducks in a row.

Buggsroo

I get all of what is written here. I go out a lot, it keeps me sane. My husband is ok except when he is being bathed; then the swear words, language that would make a sailor blush.

Yesterday, was out with two other friends, one of which had lost her husband to dementia last year. All three of us were watching Leonard Cohen’s Dance me to the end of love. The video included pictures of couples who had been together for years, but there were other people who had lost their loved one and the chair next to them was empty. All three of us cried, mind you we had just killed two bottles of wine.

Walking home, drunk and deeply grateful to my friends for giving me a glimpse of life after dementia. Then arriving home to fresh puddles of pee and turds placed on the furniture. I honestly thought, I don’t think I can do this anymore. Sometimes I think I am in a horrible dream and I will wake up soon.

So save yourself, do what you have to do you can get a semblance of life back.