adjusting

SusanEL

How do I adjust to placing my DH of 50 years in memory care? This has been so hard on me and I am not adjusting well. Overall he is doing ok. It had only been a little of 2 weeks.

LSUshad

SusanEL, it sucks. I put my DW in MC a month ago. After 48 years of marriage, I miss her, even though I don’t miss her fear of our home and of me. I worry about her all the time. When I visit, she is still angry with me because I put her there.

I have a wonderful daughter and son in law who have helped me so much. Also good friends who check on me. The house gets mighty quiet. I am trying to get back into an exercise routine after months of 24/7 caregiving.

I guess I would say to try to spend time with family and friends and try to stay as active as possible. I’ve tried to do things I haven’t done in a while. The hard part is that I remember how we did those things together.

I hope you don’t feel the guilt I feel. I know she needs to be there but sometimes I feel like I have abandoned her. I am trying to tell myself that that is BS. It’s so hard.

Please know that this disease has in some ways robbed you of your DH’s beautiful life. But it cannot rob you of your love and devotion to him. That is forever.

Lifting you up in prayer.

ghphotog

Placed my mom in MC a couple of weeks ago and soon will need to place my DW. There is nothing easy about it. My mom feels abandoned and hurt but I had no choice as niether did you. Will they adjust and accept what we had to do? IDK but they are safe. Very difficult decisions and the only consolation is knowing they are being cared for better than we could care for them. They are trapped in this disease with no way out and they are also trapped behind locked doors. I'm probably not being very encouraging but we also have been trapped and as the disease tightens it grip on them we feel guilty and selfish for trying to preserve what little is left of our own sanity. They are gone but not yet physically. IDK there is no solution and placing them in MC feels wrong and we feel like we let them down after promising them over and over that we would always be there to the end, at least I do. It's horrible and there is not much that anyone could say. I thought I would be able to endure to the end with them. Didn't I promise that in our wedding vows? Feels like betrayal and failure but actually it's not.

Ed1937

Susan, welcome to the forum. Sorry you need it. This is a very difficult thing to handle, no doubt about that. The thing that helped me through the hard times was music. Sometimes I wouldn't feel like doing anything but lay around the house. But when I put on some relaxing music, it helped.

If you can bring yourself to connect with friends you haven't seen for a while, do it. You might not feel like doing it, but you will likely be glad you did. Not long after my wife passed on, I went to see a major league baseball game with 2 of our sons and 1 daughter. It was one of the worst days of my life because she wasn't there with me, but I'm glad we went even though I knew it would be hard. I know that doesn't seem possible.

SusanEL

Thank you for the advice. It does seem all wrong but I know it is the right thing to do for his safety.

toolbeltexpert

Well Susan welcome, you may take some comfort or not in the fact these are very normal reactions to loss and it may be helpful to write them out and let them go.I placed my dw of 45 years, our anniversary is June 17th. She has been gone from home since July 10th 2022. I think it is starting to get a little better for me. I had lost over 30 pounds partly to stress and diet, partly to the physical work of selling our home and having to move 2 times, setting up my New home. Lately I have slowed down just a little and have been spending more time at the mc, even after saying I was gonna try to stay away more. We don't deserve any guilt but we feel it any way. I feel like I lose her every time I leave. This morning dw wasn't out in the dining area so I checked her room and I really thought she had passed away. No movement, no response she had a blank stare till I touched her. Lately there has been more residents sundowing and wanting to go home, she thinks everyday I am gonna take her home. This is not easy at all and maybe I need to take some time away, I just can't do it. Maybe some of the others who have different experiences and are farther down the road will chime in how it went for them. I bought a fishing license and I am thinking of getting a kayak because for me being out in nature where it's quiet really helps me. I have started to get out and meet people, I eat out a little and I hate doing that, we always ate out together so it's taking some getting used to, but I am not gonna let Alzheimers take me any father.

I know that we are all gonna die of something maybe even old age! But I sure wish dementia wouldn't torture the pwd or the caregiver so long. I don't long for the day when she doesn't recognize me any more, but when and if that happens I might just miss a day or two?

We are all here for ya, you're not alone in this. Somebody almost 24/7 is here.

Stewart

SusanEL

I leave also and am constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing. And you are also right about not wanting to do things because we did them together. Even walking in the yard we did our 30 minute walk and now I don't feel like doing it. Unfortunately taking walks is a little harder for me because of bad knees. Walking in the yard gives me the opportunity to stop when I need to. Thank you for your response.

RickM

I moved my DW to MC for a respite care at the end of April. I got away for a rafting trip, returned home, and still didn't know what to do. So I decided to extend the stay. Big time second guessing and guilt once I was back home and living on my own in the house. Fortunately, I have some friends, including one who lost his wife last year from EOD, that I can talk to about this stuff.

Toolbeltexpert hit it on the head. It's torture for the PWD and the caregivers. For me, having my wife in a community living in Dementia Land where she and I can get support on this journey is necessary. It's too hard doing this on my own at home. I watched it take my dad down (who my wife and I ended up caring for). I told my wife I probably wouldn't be able to care for her until the end. Amazingly, I think she understands.

I hope it gets easier for me. I hope it gets easier for you.

LSUshad

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/173384#Comment_173384

Susan, I understand about the knees. Had both of mine replaced (former runner here). I have a Peloton bike and love it. Easier on the knees and strengthens quads, which helps the knees. A regular spin bike can do the same. Any kind of moderate exercise helps me. Even vacuuming the house.

Vitruvius

I placed my DW in a MCF nine months ago. We have been married almost 49 years. She is only 71 but is very far along in her dementia.

I write this to let you know you are not alone, but I'm afraid I have no answers. It is hard and I'm still adrift, I am unable to find the distractions that everyone recommends. So I take solace in knowing that as unfortunate as it is, DW's placement is the best for both of us. DW is safe, well cared for, and by all accounts, calmer and more content than she would be at home. Knowing this is how I make it through each day. I think about her constantly and constantly second guess myself, did I do the right thing? But I always come back to the facts I noted above. Life is fairly hollow still, but I'm surviving, I hope that you can find your own way as well.

DJnAZ

My wife was been in memory care one full year on May 29th. I miss her every day and there are very few things that don't remind me of our time together. The year without her has been and continues to be the most difficult thing I've ever done. I visit her 2-3 times each week and she is always excited to see me, but I realize the visits are probably more for me than for her. I just really miss my best friend.

I try to keep as active as possible both physically and mentally. Alone time, especially in the evening, can be particularly brutal at times. As others have said, I take some comfort knowing she is safe and secure and in better hands than she was, or would be, at home. I hope you reach the realization that placement is the right thing for both of you.

M1

I'm in the same boat as DJnAZ, just entering our second year in MC, and I'm still adjusting. We had a horrible first year, and just changed to a different facility, which is helping some in that she is calmer and letting me visit almost daily, but that still means no routine and not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. We've been together 29 years. I don't know if you ever completely adjust. But you do it with love and with sadness.

Colt99

Moved my DW of 52 years to MC just 7 weeks ago. It is horrible to make the decision and carry through on it. Questions, guilt, loneliness…. First week was really tough as I did not visit at all. Our son and daughter have been great and tag team visits and support. The fiblet I used was that I needed medical procedures that would continue for some time. At end of the first week I was able to visit explaining I had a short break between procedures but needed to return. I am now able to come and go without questions or anxiety (the fog of dementia). Initially she was very agitated and upset by staff showering, dressing, etc. She is an adult woman and does not need help - I received this lecture many times myself. Now she accepts assistance but does not relate to all those “old people” - the other residents.  She enjoys activities that include music and movement but she is unable to participate much in crafts or follow basic instructions.  I visit every morning to make sure she will go to breakfast with those other people and I return before dinner as well. Actually, we have shared some close moments as we confirm we are still a couple and will remain “together”. It is a relief to not deal with ADLs and just spend time together. As you see from these posts, there is no one clear path but many variations of the same journey. Good luck going forward.