Help needed with severe situation.

mlowe6

I have posted about my current situation before. That both parents have cognitive problems. My dad went out for over 1 hour and 20 minutes on Sunday on a suspended Drivers license and no wallet with id. Then my mom tried to erase the camera system by powering down the cameras on the power strip. She additionally told the lady that comes in that she would do anything to protect her husband. The physical therapy lady also told me that my mom said my dad always does the driving. I pleaded with my mom for all the car keys that were left and she refused to. So I put a steering wheel lock on the car so they couldn’t drive anymore. I do have DPOA. This morning however when I checked the cameras for a moment to see if they were ok my mom the first thing I heard when I turned on the cameras is that she could have put me and my husband in jail last night because she called the cops because we put a steering wheel block on the car. Then she said she was going to call our pastor and make sure we were kicked out of the church and sit my but down and settle me down and tell me the way it’s going to be from here on out! I just want to keep them safe and I felt like that was the only way I could do it legally. Did I do the wrong thing?

jfkoc

No. How about removing the car.

I would go ahead and notify the police re your father having a suspended license.

I would then try to explain to your mother what could happen if your father has an accident. The liability is enormous!!!!

Emily 123

Hi mlowe6,

You did great! Dad shouldn't be driving.

I would be curious to know if they actually did call the pastor or the police-kind of curious you didn't receive a call, right? You noted before ...''They don’t do their mail make phone calls anymore or do any financials''. I'm wondering if either one of them have the ability to make that call or really assess what's an emergency. My mom couldn't. Why not call the police on the non-emergent line and explain the situation--that gives them a heads up if there are further accusations. it might be helpful to get a social worker involved as well-discuss with their physician to get a referral.

It sounds like they're really cueing off of visual triggers (car, cameras). Is there a way to get the car 'to the shop' and keep it away, or go ahead and sell it like you wanted? A better way to hide the cameras?

Even with the cameras, do you truly think they could rescue themselves from an accident or a scammer? Trying to care for two fractious adults with anosognosia is impossible. Even one is exhausting. It's clear that you love and respect your parents, but they are no longer independent or able to make good decisions. You are the glue that holds this dog & pony show together and allows them to live safely. You've looked at alternatives and had a plan for placement-it sounds like it's time to keep moving in that direction. Your uncle, who works with the elderly, will support you in this. He sounds like a great resource.

At this point they may be feeding off of each other's emotions and creating a feedback loop where you're the villan. I do think that you should discuss medication management with their primary physician or specialist to get a better handle on the agitation. If they don't both have a diagnosis of dementia on their charts then now's the time to get one. Then there shouldn't be issues with the POA, but I defer to the group's knowledge about this.

When your parents were healthy they would not have wanted you to sacrifice your health and well being like you are, right? But the disease has taken away their ability to have empathy or be able to look at their situation with awareness & good judgement, and see that it's not sustainable. You've made good progress, it's just that the dementias progress too, and the plan needs to adjust before you end up sick.

Hang in there.

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marier

I am so glad you thought of the steering wheel lock. I agree with trying to remove the car from the house and notifying the police regarding the suspension of the license.

If you have other members of the family to help support you when you discuss with your mother the liability issues involved might help in getting her on board with the no driving concept.

mlowe6

I did contact the police and they told me I did the right thing. They also said if she really did call in I would have been notified. I am moving forward thru real services to get guardianship asap! The elder law thing is just too expensive but I still have a couple things in my back pocket I’m working on.

HollyBerry

So sorry you're in this situation! Re the argument about liability - that may not make any difference to them at this point, so if that's not something they care about, then you'll need a different angle. I predict what matters most to them right now is the perception of independence and control over their lives. When my partner and I get into arguments, that's what seems to be at the root of things even if she can't articulate it. Cars represent freedom in our society. I don't know what the workaround is... but if you can avoid one argument, that's a win.

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Jgirl57

Steering wheel lock ?!?! Genius !!!! I definitely like that and think you did the right thing

mlowe6

Well I am seeking guardianship of them and already do all this stuff for them. I am getting my ducks in a row and getting legal aid involved and all my documentation in order. Real services is already involved but too many people have financially taken advantage of them and I’ve had to step in to get things under control and put out all the fires. This has been a quick learning process and things are going downhill quick so I’m on it but my main goal is to love them, give them dignity but above all keep them safe.