By QBC- a vent about parents

Quilting brings calm

I visited my parents in the AL today. My mom was out walking with the physical therapist when I got there. Which gave my step-dad the opening to tell me he wasn’t going to his first neurologist appointment next month. Because, of course, there is nothing wrong with him. It’s just so frustrating to try to deal with all his stubbornness ( nothing new- been that way since I met him 59 years ago). I tried everything I could think of to cajole him into it. Both the neuropsychologist and the PCP recommended it -‘I don’t care’. They’d help his anger and depression - ‘ I don’t have any’.They’d help his memory -‘ I don’t have memory issues’. They’d help his walking - he leans forward, shuffles and takes baby steps. ‘ I only walk this way when I’m with your mom because she uses a walker and I slow down for her’. Mom wasn’t in the apartment as I watched him shuffle across the room. I even tried telling him that the doctor could help keep him able to care for mom longer. No go.

Yes, I know all the normal things to try- but he’s just stubborn. I will never get him in the car if he chooses not to go. I finally walked down to the nurse’s office and asked her to try to persuade him to go. She usually has better luck with him. Her first thought- tell him that the new doctor (a female) is young and pretty. That’s a thing for him- he flirts with all the younger staff. Not a new behavior for him. His symptoms are different than mom’s. She has the earmarks of Alzheimer’s. My thoughts are that he has FTD- but we’ve not gotten any MRI or CT yet. Just the neuropsychologist testing which stated stage 4 dementia. You’d never know it by talking to him. You would just think he is a jerk. I am not even sure that the AL nurse realizes he actually has dementia as I’ve not mentioned it to her using that word. She sure hasn’t mentioned it to me using those words either.

The nurse and the activity director filled me in on Mom’s recent behavior. She continues to be fixated on him, his health issues, his sleeping habits, his eating or lack thereof. She won’t go to activities unless he goes. They eat at a table by themselves in the dining hall - their choice. Yet she complains about him and their 59 year marriage constantly ( for good reason). My thoughts are that she’s progressing in her dementia and he’s both her security blanket and the bane of her existence at the same time. I am going to ask her psych resident to increase her anxiety and depression meds at her appointment next week.

If it were possible, I’d put them at least in separate apartments. However money is an issue. Plus they’d be in each others apartment all the time anyway. Then there is the fact that he wouldn’t agree to it. I don’t have a financial and legal POA on him ( he refuses), only a medical one. So at some point, if he lives long enough and his dementia progresses, he will become a ward of the state.

These behaviors are why I can only make myself go there once a week unless there’s a reason to go more. Mom has two doctor appointments that I will take her to next week. I try to attend most of their appointments. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

I am so sorry. He sounds very unpleasant all around.

Have you considered having him attend his appointment under the guise that it's for your mom?

HB

MN Chickadee

Vent away. It sounds like you have done everything you can for your mom, but if she put up with him being a mediocre husband for 59 years she isn't going to willingly stop now. You may just have to wait him out and move your mother away from him to a different unit or facility when an opportunity arises. Is he a jerk to the staff or just you? You would think eventually the facility staff would be pushing for next steps to get him some help or assessment. I also wonder about Parkinson's related dementia given his bent over gait. Eventually something will happen. He will fall or have something that lands him in the hospital and that's when you push for imaging or assessment. Or your mom's condition will change and necessitate a move just because of her care needs. Waiting for the crisis is no fun, I'm sorry.

Quilting brings calm

HB - It’s already listed on the calendar for him. He wouldn’t believe me if I changed it and he has never come to any of her neurology appointments. I take her to every doctor except her podiatrist and eye appointments. I leave those to him. He only comes with me for her annual wellness visits- because I make them at the same time for both of them. I wanted to schedule his neurology appointment at the same time as my moms, with the same NP. However the NP doesn’t treat spouses. She didn’t say why, but I can guess.

MN- yes, I am playing the waiting game. He has a lot of ailments, a few of which go in only one direction (emphysema, thyroid cancer nodules in the lungs, heart issues etc). I attend all those type of appointments with him.

He’s a jerk mostly to family members. Although his temper often comes out. The staff say they like him, even though they admit he has his hateful moments. They don’t seem to realize he has dementia because his symptoms are so much different than hers. Plus he can blame a lot of things on his hearing aids. He spends a lot of his time in the apartment. Especially when his physical ailments get the best of him.

Iris L.

QBC, how about making the appointment not about him, but something external? Like his insurance requires a visit! Depending upon his awareness of the news, you might throw in something about the debt ceiling impacting his insurance. I regularly get letters from my insurance about this or that, mostly they are FYI letters, so this tactic might work for him.

Iris.

Addendum: Now that I think about it, I got a letter back in late March that I was supposed to return, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Ew!