Feeling guilty and anxiety

admarise

Hi all,

my mom is at a nursing home a little over an hour from me and has been for a few months now. Before this she was in the hospital for 4 months awaiting placement. In the last year or so my husband and I had not really taking time off due to moms increasing paranoia, hallucinations, and all the symptoms that come with dementia. They had finally have her in the correct medications and is doing much better. Her behavior had improved and we had been able to have normal conversations with her without her been angry all the time. My normal routine is that I visit on Sundays. But we decided this weekend to go overnight to celebrate my upcoming birthday. I am visiting her today, I already told her I will not be in on Saturday, but I am anxious about not visiting on Sunday, and feel guilty about it. I know that I need this weekend away, but I feel anxious and so guilty I want to cry!!! I don’t know if I am over reacting or been dramatic about it, we are not even going that far… just about 2 hours away from me and her. Any thoughts or suggestions?

thanks,

Maria

harshedbuzz

@admarise

I hope you are able to get past this and enjoy your birthday weekend.

If you mom has reached a place in the disease process where a nursing home or MCF is the needed level of care, she is very likely past tracking time in a manner that would allow her to figure out that you came 2 days earlier than you typically do over even if you skipped a weekly visit entirely.

When my dad was in MC, my mom and I split the week so that he had a brief visit (most days 30-45 minutes was enough for both of us; mom tended to stay a couple hours) most days. He was only about 8 minutes from mom's and about 25 from me-- not the long drive you have. Dad believed that I was there daily and that my mom almost never came.

PWD tend to live very much in the moment. If one of us didn't make it, he never seemed to notice.

HB

admarise

Thanks, mom is at the nursing because when she was at the hospital it was so bad that they deemed her unable to make decisions. She also told them she will not come back to live with my husband and I. Her mental issues and behaviors got so bad after been admitted to the nursing home and she became so aggressive that she was send to the behavioral unit at the nursing home. They found the right meds and now she seems to be back to herself in a way. She does noticed when I don’t come in, specially on the weekends. It is also hard because there is no one that speak Spanish in the facility and this makes it even more difficult. I know she will be ok… I know this is my anxiety talking!!! But I will try my best to enjoy this. I think is because is the first trip we are taking after she has been in the nursing home and I am really anxious about it.

thanks,

maria

M1

I'm with HB, that even if she comments on your absence her sense of time is unlikely to be very accurate. My partner does not remember from day to day whether she's had visitors or not. It helps with the guilt somewhat. She told me Wednesday that she hadn't seen certain friends in months---they were there on Monday for a Memorial Day picnic. So when I leave I tell her I'll be back tomorrow, even if it's going to be longer than that. She doesn't remember and doesn't notice, and it seems to help her to know that I'll be there soon, regardless.

Emily 123

I visit my mom on the weekends as well--I'm closer, but can't get away from work and over there on the weekdays because they start dinners at 5. There are some weekends I skip because I need to get things done around the house. At first, I worried when I would miss a weekend, but she's lost any sense of time passing in terms of days. I still feel guilty if I miss one but not from anything she says--more because her AL can't get a handle on their laundry and it doesn't get done if I don't put it in the hamper.

I hope you're enjoying a nice weekend, and that you'll be able to treat yourself to more weekends in the future.

storycrafter

Maria, it's great they found a combo of meds that helps your mom. The right meds restore a sense of quality of life for both the care receiver and care giver; less suffering all around.

Sometimes it helps to remember that guilt inevitably comes with the territory of caregiving. If we're a caregiver it's very common, and almost a given, we'll feel "guilt." It's a well-ingrained pattern of thinking that requires awareness and the intentional practice of letting go, over and over and over again.

We've all been indoctrinated by family, culture, and society - especially women - to believe we are "bad" if we don't give 100 percent to our loved ones' care, in fact, give it to the point of our own detriment and exhaustion. It's an old impossible standard and does no one any good. If we buy into this belief, it's a perfect setup for false guilt. Rather than continue siphoning off our precious energy in draining guilt, we can notice the thoughts, pause, and let them go.

When we come up against our limits, instead of imploding on ourselves, we can choose to nurture ourselves with positive self-talk, such as...I'm doing my best at this time; it's good enough; my needs are important and self care is mandatory.

I hope you're out there enjoying your weekend guilt-free!

Elshack

I too hope you are able to enjoy your weekend. Even though your mother may seem as if she notices your absence I really feel that dementia patients don't really have a grasp on time, when family visits, how long are the visits etc. Please, Maria, take care of yourself. If you find anxiety is really taking hold, perhaps your family Dr can RX a mild antidepressant. Know that she is in the best place right now and being taken care of.

Sahara_merakoi

No advice, just wanted to say you're certainly not alone in feeling that guilt. I used to see my gran every saturday too - even throughout COVID, the nursing staff would open a top window and I'd talk to her from outside! Any time I wasnt able to make it, I was plagued with guilt. However, I'm not certain my situation was exactly the same as yours, as my gran was pretty far gone and she would genuinely not have had any idea I'd not gone. Every time I saw her she was certain she'd not seen me for years anyway.
I do think it's part of the journey, and a totally normal emotion though <3
I hope you were able to have a good weekend