When is it time to think of assisted living

walfan12

My husband has had alzheimers for a few years now but it seems to be taking a negative turn, both physically and mentally. Nights, for me, are the worst as he is unsure of himself going to the bathroom (which he does alot), getting back to bed, etc. We have a helper most days but I work and this lack of sleep is making me very impatient with him.

He's still engaged, aware, though he sleeps most of the day.

Is there a way to determine when he needs (I need) to move him to assisted living? Heart breaking decision. When my mother's dementia progressed, and she lived alone in a different state, it was easier to make that decision.

Sigh..

Thanks!

Alita

M1

welcome to the forum Alita. This is a very difficult decision for all of us caring for a spouse (my parter is in MC for over a year now). Two truisms that come up often: First: if you are thinking it might be time, then it is likely time. Second: by the time many of us consider "assisted living," that ship has likely already sailed, and you may need to more realistically think about memory care. The ability to manage a "hospitality model" assisted living probably requires more independence than he has, especially if he is sleeping most of the day. I wonder if you would benefit more from a helper at night--but of course that adds to the cost of care, too.

The other thought that occurs to me is whether you've discussed his urinary frequency with his doc. This is many times a symptom of prostate problems in older men and might respond to medication, which might buy you a little time. Just worth thinking about but you may have already considered that.

I'm sure others will chime in. This forum can be a good source of support and advice.

MN Chickadee

Like M1 said, usually once you are thinking about it it's probably time. Although we were able to buy a couple years due to 2 things: a sleep medication and adult daycare. My mother was never aggressive or anything. But even after a while with those two interventions it was too much for me and my father to keep mom at home. The incontinence is what really put us over the edge.

Adult Day Care was a godsend. It kept mom engaged and busy during the day so she came home tired. It gave us respite. Dad could take a nap and run his errands and I could care for my own family. After dinner she was ready to sleep. And the sleep medication helped her sleep longer stretches. It wasn't perfect but she slept well at least 75% of the nights which made a huge difference. There are a variety of meds you could try on this front if you haven' yet then you might want to consult his doctor. In the mean time, I would tour and assess memory care facilities. Better now than when you desperately need it. My father went from doing ok to "oh my gosh we need to move her to a facility now" really fast and that was not expected. Things can change quickly with dementia so it's wise to do the research when you aren't in crisis mode and get on wait lists so they are there when you need them.

ghphotog

I'm in the same boat with my DW. I know it's time but can't bring myself to do it yet. Maybe I don't want to spend our retirement savings up on this or feel like I'm abandoning her, IDK. Anyway if we are wondering if it's time then probably is, just have to make a solid decision to do it and follow through.

As we use to say when I was a rodeo cowboy, "make your move and go on with it son!"

jfkoc

Bottom line...one needs a Plan B which means finding a facility. Doing this now rather than later avoids an emergency placement when the other shoe drops.

It is also good to look into long term care insurance.

Ducks in a row.....a good thing.

-J