Changing from Memory care to Home

SusanEL

Has anyone ever thought of taking their LO out of a Memory Care facility and just bringing them back home? I placed my DH in Memory Care due to wandering. He has only been there about 4 weeks. I definitely wasn't ready for this. I pay about $9000 a month for him and really don't know how long that will be possible. I am good for now but thought about a little time down the road bringing him home. He is probably in the late middle stage. I visit 3 times a week and the drive is 45 minutes away. When the weather gets bad, I will not be able to drive there like now. Although the place is a good, I don't like seeing him there. Trying to get peoples thoughts.

Yasadora

Have you inquired about 24 hour care in your home? How much a month would that be? I don't know if you have the space for that. I hope you find the support you need .

Joe C.

Susan, I have thought about bringing my wife home but when I shared these thoughts with my stepdaughter she talked me out of it. She reminded me just how challenging things were for both of us when DW was at home and how well she acclimated to MC. I placed DW 18 months ago, the MC is 40 minutes away and I visit 4 or 5 times a week. I still miss her presence in the house everyday but it is not as painful as it was in beginning.

loveskitties

I am certain that most have "second thoughts" about having placed a loved one in a facility for any number of reasons.

Perhaps it would help you to make a "pro/con" list for bringing him home. On the pro side, you have more time with him...con side - you are needed by him 24/7. On the pro side, you are not spending $9,000 a month for the facility.. con side - you are spending unknown dollars to get in-home assistance which may or may not be reliable. On the pro side, you are not having to drive so far to see him...con side you can't go where you want/when you want or need to without figuring in his need to go with you. On the pro side, you don't have to deal with bad weather trips to the facility...con side - etc.

You get the idea. You should also honestly assess where he can be the safest and best cared for. As much as we want to do all that is humanly possible for a loved one, a single soul can not be everything all the time for another.

M1

Susan I fantasize about being able to bring my partner home--because it's always been where she's happiest. But you can't dementia-proof a farm. Just last night I found a whole case of cat food under my bed that I had forgotten was there---from the days right before placement when I was having to hide the cat food because she'd feed them over and over and over. I don't think I could go back to that. As much as I miss her, the having to be on alert 24/7 was killing me.

I sometimes think that if she got to hospice stage I would think about bringing her home. But it might not matter then.

harshedbuzz

@SusanEL

Have you sat down with a CELA to talk about Medicaid planning? This is critical as Medicaid acts as the safety net for folks who don't have the means to pay $9K a month for years. There are strategies that need to be in place now to make this work when you need it.

It was my mom's plan to bring dad home once he settled down a bit. He was placed because she couldn't afford the level of in-home care needed ($30+/hr) and he was resistant to her care which was just exhausting. Once she saw how much better he was cared for by professionals who didn't need to fight with him, she changed her mind.

HB

SusanEL

HB thank you for your advice. If bringing him home was something to think about I wanted to make sure I am considering everything.

SusanEL

I am not sure how to write individual responses. These were all great things for me to think about. I am also glad I am not the only one who has thought of doing something like this. If it was something for me to do, I would not be doing it for awhile so I have time to really consider this and look into all these responses. I was thinking I was crazy for even thinking this.

Ed1937

Susan, we had one member who brought her husband home. I think she posts more on the "I am a caregiver" forum. Her name is Lady Texan.

I know how tempting it is to bring him home, but please remember the reasons he was placed initially. Those reasons are not likely to get better until he progresses further down the road of dementia. At that time, new problems become your new normal. I agree that if you haven't seen a CELA, you should consider that. It could make a world of difference for you.

DJnAZ

My wife was placed in MC a year ago. Although she has basically adjusted to her new home, for the first 6-8 months she really wanted to leave. Seeing her there and then having to leave her, there were times I seriously considered bringing her home. At that point I would remember what a challenge/struggle it was with her at home. As much as I miss her and hate seeing her in the facility, there is no question that she is much safer and more secure now than she would be at home. Although I constantly miss my best friend, I'm doing better too.

toolbeltexpert

Susan your not alone in that thinking. I hate being alone, but if it means my dw is safe then I'll have to be the one to adjust. Not sure where you are and if the place where you have your dh takes Medicaid? I had found that all the places around me that took Medicaid were all close to 9k, then I looked into places the didn't they ranged from 3659 to 7 k around me. There were some really nice places with good staff and beautiful settings for just over 5k. My choice was the low end but I was very familiar with it and the staff. 11 months in and I still think about taking dw home,except home is no more. I sold our farm to finance her care and moved closer to where she is,definitely not for everybody hard leaving a place we had been 30 years. I have at least 5 years of care probably more as I try to grow it in cd's.

In my research I found that the "9k Medicaid places" were all snf. It is the type of staff more lpn's that drove up the cost not the beautiful facilities. I did find one lone place that was 2300 personal pay that could transfer to Medicaid but that wasn't good at all!

Stewart