I did it

Buggsroo

This will be a long post. Please forgive me ahead of time. Last Friday I called 911 and got my husband taken to emergency. His feet were really swollen and he was somewhat feverish. So off to the hospital. I received a call from the doctor asking for permission to administer an antipsychotic and I readily gave it. I explained to the doctor that he was now slapping and biting the psws who came to our home as well as me. The doctor asked me if I was ready to have him placed. I said we were on crisis mode.

My social worker phoned me and she told it was time to act. She told me not to accept his return home. I knew she was right. I felt really weird and sad but knew I had to make the call.

So I did call the hospital back and explained to the nurses that I couldn’t take him home. He has slapped and bitten me in the past.

I have been cleaning the house from top to bottom and fighting off feelings of panic wondering if I have abandoned him. My rational self knows he is being cared for at the hospital and they are stabilizing him for admittance to long term care.

I vacillate between ecstasy and depression. I didn’t realize how much of my life had been eaten up by his care. Cleaning is my zen and the house is starting to smell better, the cats are calmer and I feel a bit better. It is like trying to fill my days with activities so that the hamster in my brain won’t castigate me for putting my foot down.

I usually wise crack my way through life, because it is safer than acknowledging that I am feeling grief for what was. My husband has been gone mentally for a very long time. Thank you for letting me speak my truth, I am afraid of being judged, but on the upside, I am starting to enjoy my freedom.

I honestly don’t know what is next but I have to trust that things will go the way they should.

Marta

By George, she did it!

Buggs - I’m sooo relieved for you!

Jeff86

Buggsroo — thank you for your post. Many of us here on this forum have followed your journey, and I for one am amazed and how challenging caring for your DH has been. You have been a stalwart caregiver through thick and thin, but your DH’s disease progression has reached a stage where he represents a danger to himself and others. There’s no better argument than that for placement.

Judge you? Only with kindness, enormous respect, admiration for your patience, and ultimately now doing the best right thing for both of you.

a wide range of emotions is unsurprising. It’s natural to feel some relief, both at reaching a resolution on the placement overhang and at beginning to get some of your life back.

You're a caregiver heroine in my book. Hoping for a good placement for your DH, once he’s stabilized, and you are at peace with this necessary decision.

Dio

Buggs, there'll be no judgment here, for sure! We've all been there or will be there, too. Hope all goes well with your husband's placement. While placement won't be the end all to this journey, you'll have your life and freedom back...so go and enjoy it. You may find yourself wracked with grief and guilt in the days ahead, but that's only natural. Just let yourself heal. We all need to heal after this wicked journey caring for LOs with dementia. You can build on this recuperation to deal with things to come. Hugs to Buggs... 🤗

ladyzetta

(((Dear Buggs)))))

You have been through so much, you have given your DH the best care possible. But the time came a long time ago that you needed more help in caring for him. I'm amazed at how long you lasted, in your caregiver roll. Now you can be his wife and watch out over his care.

No one has the right to have any negative judgement toward you, we all know what you have been through and how well you handled it.

Now it is time to take care of yourself, try to enjoy your life, relax rest and do whatever you feel like doing. Hugs Zetta

toolbeltexpert

Buggs I can say I am gonna judge,hold on now, I judge you as someone who has gone above and beyond, your capacity for caring is beyond what I could have endured. So well done, NO GUILT PERIOD. I know that doesn't help your heart though,no words can help what we all feel, it's another one of those losses that just tries to bring us down. I fight it all the time. I have been praying for a long time that you would get the help you needed. Take some "you" time, put the food back upstairs, if I remember? was it you who liked eclairs? If so get a box of the along with that drink you liked so much that I never heard of. BTW The chores did help me get thru a certain period of time. I am so happy for you and at the same time acknowledge what has to be. Prayers to continue for you as well.

Stewart

Joydean

Oh Buggs, sorry it had to happen this way but so glad for you that you’re finally getting the much needed help you deserve!! Have a glass of wine (or whatever) sing a song and come out of the basement!! Come back to the sunlight. You have gone through so much and was still able to maintain your wonderful sense of humor. By the way I admire your sense of humor. Please treat yourself kindly and know that now professionals are taking care of your dh. Judging you only with a great deal of admiration!! Take care of you!!

Mint

Bugs I am so glad you have received help.

June45

Thumbs up!!! Don't know how you did it this long!

Quilting brings calm

No judgement here- there’s nothing to judge. You’ve done your best. Now it’s time to let a staff of people do their best and you be the advocate. This disease will take multiple family members down if you let it.

Jgirl57

Anyone who has followed your journey knows what you have been through. We all knew you could not keep going the way it was and we were happy when you started having a bit of help at home. This is the next step in this awful disease and time for you to get some rest. So many hugs to you and your DH

M1

Amen to all of the above. It was way past time for it dear. Most would have cried uncle a lot sooner than you did. Keep us posted how it goes.

EMC5287

Grappling with similar circumstance re my 74 year old Mom. My Dad (78) has been her primary caretaker and has gone way above and beyond for her over the last five years. I left my full time job to help three days a week and my sister also helps. We were sort of keeping it together until Mom completely stopped sleeping at night. Through trial and lots of errors we added locks to the door to keep her inside the bedroom, a railing to the bed to try to keep her in the bed, a stable step to aid getting her into the bed. The doctor kept giving anti anxiety meds I guess you need to knock down anxiety adrenaline before the body will even consider sleeping. My Dad asked them for sleep aids. He was about at the end of his rope from lack of sleep and started encountering his own health issues. He was so frustrated and he let the doctor know. At that point the doctor stopped her mirtazapine completely but doubled the dose of the lorezapam, zolpidem and risperidone all at the same time. My Mom had been sleeping during the day but this is now zombie level sedation during the daytime and still hit and miss with sleeping at night. Prior to this it was much easier to help her with ADLs. It is now practically impossible, She has now fallen several times and my Dad has needed to call my brother or my brother in law to lend a hand to get her up from the floor. I echo earlier notes this really does suck. We are going to put my Mom into Memory Care towards the end of this month.

EMC5287

AND you are very strong and you absolutely did the right thing. Stay strong and firm on your decision. I hope you find peace with your decision and remember to look forward not backward. We make the best decisions we need to based on the situation we are presented with at that time.

Elshack

Buggs, I have followed your journey and commend you for hanging in there for as long as you did. Now your DH will have the care he needs and I hope and pray you can gain some strength both mentally and physically.

Ed1937

Buggs, you said "I have been cleaning the house from top to bottom and fighting off feelings of panic wondering if I have abandoned him." WHAT? How could you even possibly have thoughts like that after what you've been through? It amazes all of us how you could have done what you've done for such a length of time. You might have abandoned him if you did not advocate for him. But we all know better than that. If someone else were in your shoes, he would have been gone a long time ago. Pat yourself on the back, and try to find some enjoyment from life now.

Denise1847

Buggs, I echo the comments of everyone here. I don't know how you have done it. I am relieved for you that you have made the decision. Know you have done your very best and now it is time to move forward, not look back and try to forge a new path of peace for yourself. I have learned that it does us harm to focus on the past with saddness. It will take awhile, but every time any glimmer of guilt dares to enter your mind, you must fight hard to sweep it away and replace those thoughts with gratitude that you have beautiful memories and you have survived a horrendous situation and survived. My best to you - rejoice Buggs, you fought the good fight and you are a heroine.

mrahope

I am so glad that something has finally changed in your situation. Clean as you must, or do whatever feels right to help you adjust to the new reality. You are so amazing..no judgement, just admiration and respect.

jfkoc

Huge milestone.

I completely understand the bag of mixed feelings you are carrying. In the moments after my husband died I suddenly felt relief. For a minute I felt guilty for that but quickly realized his death did carry relief with it.

Please keep us updated.

Judith

loveskitties

Buggs, your feelings are real...but each time you feel you may have failed since you didn't keep him home longer...look to the sun or the stars and see everyone here offering their arms for a hug for a job well done.

I know of no one who could have walked in your shoes 10 steps much less the miles you have been in the loving care of your DH.

White Crane

Dear Biggs, God bless you! You have been on this journey a long time and done everything you possibly could to keep him at home. You have gone above and beyond what I could ever have handled. I admire you and wish you peace and rest in the coming days.

Vitruvius

As difficult as your decision was emotionally, I'm sure know intellectually that your DH's placement will almost certainly result in a higher quality of life for both him and you.

Jo C.

Buggs! Our dear, stalwart and amazing Canadian friend - What a happening and having it come together in the way it did. Not heartfelt easy to take that big step, but you indeed did it - WHEW!

We have talked over time during this long ongoing time of helatious challenges. I think I pretty much understand what you are relating. You have been in the trenches as a mighty force in one of the most difficult ongoing caregiving situations we have seen and you have valiantly persisted beyond where the rest of us would have thrown in the towel long, long ago. Caregiving under long lengths of time and acuity of needs can also became part of one's identity and that takes a bit of time to evolve.

Your deep caring and love are not in question dear Buggs; maybe feelings of regret for how things have been and must be, but no guilt is deserved. (We judge our own selves too harshly and mostly undeservedly.)

From my own experience, it may possibly take some time to reformat yourself and adapt to who you are now without all that 24 hour over the moon behaviors and constant uber-vigilance going on and deep, deep ever focus on caregiving and waiting for the next shoe to drop; relentlessly over and over again. Probably it feels like there are large gaps in the day and it is so very quiet. Things will settle and feel more even as your husband is treated for his condition and then admitted into care.

I am hopeful that soon it will feel more comfortable and bring serenity. It may well be that your husband will do better in a care setting. He will have structure and routine; no more home based triggers; increased socialization at his speed; activities he can watch or participate in; 24 hours of multiple staff; meals and snacks. He will be safe and secure round the clock. His penchant for stooling here there and everywhere will be part of the intervention plan of care - all of the huge needs will no longer be on your shoulders which allows you the ability to begin to recoup at your own speed to become the loving wife who visits as much as she wishes and can and is rested in body and spirit.

Big, big hug Buggs, I am delighted for this turn of events and that your own health will be able to even out. No more hiding food and stuff in the basement, and you will work your way through this to evolve in many ways yet to be seen. I so wish you peace and serenity and to be able to acknowledge to yourself that you have done well and stayed the course when it was the worst of times. (You by now probably own the Clorox company!)

Please let us know how you are and how your LO is doing; you are certainly part of this big electronic family who all care about one another, you are a very special person who somehow kept a sense of humor as much as could be through the very worst of challenging times. I have been and still am very much in awe of and admire you.

J.

tigersmom

Buggs, I don't think anyone has tried harder, and for longer, in more trying circumstances than you have. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I understand that you must be experiencing a rush of conflicting feelings, but as someone has watched you manage your husband's care practically single-handed for a very long time, I am glad that you will both finally get the help that you deserve. You have done an amazing job with the hands-on part of care; now you will manage that in a different way as his advocate. I wish you peace, and a little rest, and some quality comfort time with your cats.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Buggsroo

Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you all. Your posts make it easier on me and I am so touched by all your support. Clorox will still be a big part of my cleaning lexicon as I navigate this new path ahead. I have to admit I am still antsy and sad at times. I put my radio on and am really loving the music back in my life. I realize my grieving will take its time. Thank you all my friends.