Mom wants to move back to her house and I need advice!

LB3

Hi, I'd love some advice. My mother has been in assisted living for over 2 years and has been saying she wants to go home to her house often (she's in the moderate stages of Alz). Recently, she's been saying it more and expects to move soon, and she has always been very opinionated and strong-willed. She can never go back to the house she once lived in for many reasons. I have tried everything from being radically honest to lying and saying tenants are still there to make her put it off. I feel so bad because I will likely have to sell it soon to pay for her expenses. I feel like she isn't dropping the subject and was wondering if there were any ideas or tips or tricks anyone could share to distract or de-escalate her desire to move. She's also very paranoid and keeps accusing the staff of stealing (absolutely nothing is missing, she just keeps losing and misplacing things out of paranoia). Many thanks!

Emily 123

Hi LB3. This article helped me understand my mom's behaviors better.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Reading it, you'll see that your mom's behaviors are due to her not being able to use her short term memory anymore. She can't use it to retain references to the here and now. So she will get stuck on a cycle of thought that's difficult to break. It's good to try to redirect her with fiblets as you've been doing, to help keep her emotions about this manageable for her.

Can you try to divert her train of thought and get her off the subject altogether? Maybe just 'Oh, yes, they're having to pull out the pipes in the bathroom. It'll be ready soon. Do you want to go do xxxxxxx/ Did you hear xyzzzz?''

The desire to 'go home' is probably the most difficult one to meet. The person with dementia wants to return to where they felt secure and whole. No matter 'when' the disease makes them think they are in their life, a home represents security and independence. People well versed in dementia care would ask if you can tell if any of her needs aren't being met. A lot of it is just to be secure in a place they recognize as theirs, and so as long as they're in a place that they don't recognize as home, they'll continue to ask about leaving. The caregiver will continue to feel miserable about denying that request, especially since the disease means the person can't remember earlier conversations, and so each time they ask is the first time for them. It's such a tough place to be in, because it's hard to meet that need.

Dana88

My mom is in the later stages of dementia. She has lived in her home for 63 years, and she still asks every night if she can go home. I had to move in with her since my place had stairs. I have tried driving her around, walking around the block to find "her house." I think it no longer looks familiar. She has to be escorted to each room, (bathroom, bedroom, living room), because she doesn't remember where any of them are anymore. But she can always find the front door! I've learned that for her it means it is time to go to bed. I agree with Emily 123 that trying to divert her attention might be the best bet. At other times you may want to talk about the positive aspects of her staying where she is.

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