How to deal with father with moderate dementia

Paige39

Hi,

This is my first time posting. My father was diagnosed with mild dementia in December. He has always been private about any health issues but he has started confiding in me (mostly complaining about my stepmother or how people are treating him now). He told me had gotten lost a few times when he was not going to places that he routinely goes. I knew he probably shouldn't be driving but my stepmother really wants him to get out and be social. Recently a doctor did say he has moderate dementia and should not be driving anymore. My stepmother still wants to talk to a neurologist about if he can do closer trips to the grocery store and just not be on the beltway.

He worked with computers his whole life but now any technology is frustrating for him. He is also embarrassed about having dementia. He wanted me to speak to his therapist a few months ago and I did ( he has a history of mental illness most of my life). At the time he was doing better.

My issue is that now he can't drive I would like him to still be able to go to the same barber and dentist that he has seen for 40 years. They are 30 mins from his house. I feel like with everything changing for him, I'd like something to stay the same. I offered to pick him up and drive him home ( I would wait in the parking lot for him so he isn't embarrassed). My stepmother said it's was a nice offer but not a priority. She made it seem as if he may need to just go somewhere new.

I try to give my stepmother a lot of credit for dealing with everything but she is not very compassionate. I don't think she ever wanted to be a caregiver and it's just not in her personality . I know that may sound mean, she is a wonderful person. She doesn't really know how to deal with someone with dementia and there is a lot of tension in their marriage. She has a strong personality and I bite my tongue because I don't want to overstep or offend her

I have two young children and my only brother who lives close is not helping me. I try to take my dad out for lunch as often as possible. He has issues walking ( not related to dementia) and I'm not really sure what else to do with him. He loves any time I take him out or invite them over. He has always been an introvert and is tired of people telling him to go to a senior center.

This is progressing faster than I thought. I do find myself bursting into tears at times due to being overwhelmed. I know it's also anticipatory grief so I'm going to find a therapist. I don't know anyone else who is going through this personally.

I will take any advice on how to better communicate with my stepmother. Or any advice at all

Questions

Have you spoke with your Stepmother and brother one on one and explained your concerns? If not, it might be time.

M1

Welcome to the forum Paige, though I m sorry you are facing this. This is a very supportive place with a lot of wise caregivers.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad and that he recognizes you as a very important support person. If he is turning to you more than to his wife, i can see how that could become problematic. Does she have power of attorney for him? If this has not been clarified, it needs to be asap. Will become more and more important over time.

If he's been told not to drive and is still doing it, he could lose everything he has, financially and otherwise. You are absolutely right about that, and your stepmother could also be at financial and legal risk if she is allowing it.

Maybe you could refer her to this forum, for starters. Or maybe try to attend a support group together? Just throwing ideas out. Im sure others will chime in. I wish you well, he's lucky to have you in his corner. None of this is easy to navigate and with young children you have a lot on your plate.

Ss