One year since placement.

Gig Harbor

I placed my husband a year ago in a memory care that was beautiful and had a lot of activities. After 8 months I realized that he was doing none of the activities and was having trouble feeding himself. That particular facility mixed residents of all abilities together and the staff was not really attuned to those who needed more help. I found an older facility who separated the residents according to ability. It was not as modern and cheery and not as much fun to visit. However the staff gave him much better care. His room is always picked up and tidy and his clothes never go missing as residents are not as mobile. Tables are in a half moon shape and a caregiver sits in the center and helps 4 residents eat. He has gained 10 lbs. The meals are home cooked and much more nutritious than the previous place. The final thing is that it is $2000 a month less and he has a private room not a shared room. It is older but it is warm and homey and since he likes to doze and watch TV which he would be doing if he were at home he is happy. He no longer speaks words that can be understood but he smiles and nods a lot. It takes two people to help him stand and he only walks a little with help so at home he would be in bed a lot of the time. He knows I am familiar but has no real idea of who I am. He does not notice when I leave. However he likes to look at the cute young caregivers and they are all so good to him.

I have overcome feeling guilty and now have a retirement. I found a group of single women within a New Neighbors group and we hike, kayak and go to music events. We are planning a vacation together. He had a 20 year retirement before placement in which I did everything for him. I don’t think he would begrudge my chance at a retirement. Life has to go on and this is just another stage in our life. I still meet in person with my support group and we continue to welcome new members even as old members leave to persue their new lives. I will always make sure he is well cared for and as happy as possible. It is sad that our life together took this path but I am trying to make the best of it.

Elshack

Gig Harbor

It sounds like you have made some very wise decisions re: your life and your husband's life. Glad you found such a good place for him and less money per month for even better care! I hope you can take a vacation with your friends and know that you have done the very best for your DH and he is in a good place. My DH turned 93 today. He has been in memory care for 10 months and the bldg. is next door to my independent living apartment. He still knows who I am but is on hospice and has trouble swallowing so his food is pureed.

I hope you can continue to find some joy in life. I am sure your DH would want you to enjoy your retirement.

M1

Good to hear from you Gig. Glad the change has worked out and he is content.

toolbeltexpert

Gig so good to hear from you, glad you got the chance to move your dh and it sounds wonderful. Also glad to hear your continuing on with life. Thanks for your experiences, I too placed my dw a year ago July. I want to continue to live and look forward to meeting new people. I recently bought a kayak to try out for fishing and very quickly was reminded of my shoulder injury from 30 yrs ago so i sold it quickly now i might go and get a small boat, i had one for 30 yrs and loved fishing. I have gone to some music events and want to enjoy whats left of life. I am also like you my care and love for my dw will never stop.

Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to find Joy in this part of life.

Stewart

Denise1847

Hi Gig,

Sounds like you have done the very best for your DH and I am so glad that you are doing those things. I so miss doing things with friends and being active. I hope by the time this is over, I won't be too old to do it, but that's the breaks. Please keep in touch and let us know of your experiences.

Joydean

Gig so good to hear from you and happy for you that you’re getting out and enjoying your retirement. You deserve it so live your life . You have done a great job taking care of your dh and are still doing so. Best wishes for you!

Ed1937

Gig, it's really sad that it has to end up like this. But you've done an excellent job taking care of him. All the fountains, landscaping, bells and whistles are not the things that really count. I'd take an older building that didn't look as nice, but had great hands-on care any day.

It's great that you are making a new life for yourself. I'm happy for you, and glad you're continuing on with your friends.

Midwest Gal

Gig, thank you for your post. It gives me hope. I noted earlier this week I'm just a few weeks in with placing DH in Memory Care. I have gone daily to visit but I wonder if I'll be able to loosen up and get out and feel ok about having fun without him. I know with the ongoing cost of Memory care that I won't be doing anything extravagant as my DH is fairly young and physically healthy so making sure I have the funds available for his care is a priority. But I would hope to get back to riding our horses, kayaking and hiking. We were very active before dementia. But right now, I feel so tired and don't have any energy. I'm sure it's from the psychological drain of the whole ordeal. I hope that I can snap out of it and feel less tired and sad and get my old energy back and jump back into life. Sounds like you are making the leap. Your ladies group sounds perfect. Good for you...Get out and have some fun while you can. Hopefully someday I will too!! You make it sound like it's possible.

Emily 123

Wonderful to hear. He sounds safe and well cared for, and you sound like you're able to have happy times with good friends.

Beachfan

Gig,

It sounds like you’ve reached a happy medium where your DH’s care is concerned. Better still, it’s encouraging that you are able to reclaim a little of your life after so many years of caregiving. There is an end to all this; I am living proof. I believe that, if in your heart, you know you have done your best for him you will be rewarded with a sense of peace and purpose going forward. Yes, there are moments of profound sadness, but each day is a little brighter. Best wishes!