When your skin gets thick

Jinx Darling

When you finally get thick skin just to protect your heart

When you just shake your head instead of crying tears.

When you realize rational dialogue is gone 

When you are so alone but always with someone

When you are hyper alert and can never let your guard down even when your sleeping

When each day is a ground hog day only differing with the amount of daily drama

When the anger and aggressiveness of you loved one leaves you afraid

When the medical teams leave you frustrated 

When there really is no help, you are on your own

When you wonder how you will do it each day 

When there is no other choice but going forward 

When you dream of a different life while drowning in your current one

This is the short form of where I am at, the daily ugly that the paranoid delusion life my DH spits out is wearing me down. I am at the point of my health declining due to my medical issues along with the stress of living this nightmare, it's making me numb.

Life has been really bad since Feb. and I am at the point where we have discussions of if his anger and aggression can’t be reined in ( he refused certain meds) that I will no longer be able to live in the house and that Adult Protective Services need to come in to access his ability to live alone. The neurologist says “ give it six months and it will be easier on you worse on him”.

I see the signs of decline and my DH is fighting the decline all the way with the blame and ugly directed at me. It’s a sad way to see a love story of a marriage end. (41 years).

Just another day in paradise, thanks for listening!

jfkoc

You have exposed the reality of it all.....clearly.

6 months and things will change???? That is a long time. How can we help?

Denise1847

Dear Jinx,

I wish there was something I could say to lessen your pain, fear and lack of hope. I will throw out a few thoughts just in case they may help. Can you grind the meds into a drink for him that he is not aware? Next time he has an angry outburst, is it conceivable for you to call 911 stating that you fear he is going to harm you. Now that might be an exaggeration, but the goal is to try to establish a boundary for your DH's behavior. It may shock him to consider what could happen to him if he doesn't back off his behaviors. I know that the executive function is no longer working well, but it may be worth a try. One of the biggest issues for my sanity is whether I am a victim or in control of what is happening. Try to think of what it will take for you to feel better, to be in control and to have options. You CAN do this. You are capable and you are deserving of so much more.

Jgirl57

Jinx Darling, that was a very good read. Thank you.

????

We are in the same boat, my wife has had a terrible two weeks. Last Wednesday she got very angry, started hitting me, threw things at me. I should have called 911, will do next time. My wife finally called our daughter at work. She came over and pick up her Mother for a couple of nights, trying to give us some space. I called and scheduled an appointment with the Nuerologist for today. On Friday a robo call reminder for todays appointment came to my wife before she was back home. My daughter said she threw a fit, thinking she was going to the looney bin. I was going to tell her about the appointment when she was home. She thinks everything is my fault. Our daughter will be at todays appointment, not sure what will happen. This morning I had an email from my wife telling me all the things I am doing wrong and how she feels. I printed it out and told her when she got up that we would take it to the Doctor to discuss. Going to be an interesting afternoon.

toolbeltexpert

Jinx I know how hard this is. I am sure the last year has been hell and when the doc said things will get better, I thought really? Things do change and maybe meds can calm things down, hopefully for you. But it's always a flood of change and emotions, 41 years and now it all seems gone, wondering how am I gonna get thru this? Change, we have to change, constantly changing, constantly learning, learning how to get off this roller coaster.

Jinx you have to take care of you right now. If you can get some respite anyway way you can. It maybe an 911 call that starts that process, that's how it goes for so many of us. You are an army of one that's needs reinforcement. Call in the troops. We all need help. I am noticing that this time of year is when behaviors start getting worse, are Long days causing it? there seems to be times when they get worse. I noticed you joined about a year ago, same time of year?

Your post is well written and resonates with me. Please post again. My prayer are with you.

McK

My DH gripped my hand so hard that he bruised the thumb bone. My hand is in a splint. And today wouldn’t take his medication until I was loving and caring, which I no longer want to be. It’s a job now and not much more.

M1

Six months sounds way too long to me. He could kill you. I would have him admitted and say you can't take care of him at home any more.. Believe me, this is the route i had to take last year, very unwillingly.

michiganpat

My brother became violent and my sister in law knew it was time to place him. Before she could he took a knife after her daughter. Before dementia he was a kind person but with hallucinations it all changed. Her daughter locked herself in the bathroom and called 911. The ambulance came along with the police. He was taken to jail where he spent 6 nights (due to it being a holiday weekend) and then was transferred to the local ER where he spent 8 more nights. He is late stage dementia and has no memory of what happened. He is now in a memory care locked unit. Mental health care is nonexistent in small towns. This never should have happened but it did. Please be careful and act sooner than later. You never know what a PWD is capable of. Good luck.

islebabe2014

I am new to this my husband is 86 and i am 65 he has shown signs for a litte over a year. I had to move to florida from hawaii for better medical care finally got him diagnosed with dementia dont think the meds are doing any good. Ran out of options

Jo C.

I am so very sorry for all that has been happening and can imagine what a nightmare this is being. And the heartbreak of it all as well. Even though it feels there may be no way out, there are options.

What is concerning is the aggression and anger; that is of course of danger to you. If the aggression and acting out anger are frightening and if EVER you are physically attacked - punched, pinched, slapped, or any other physical contact, or if he is making physical threats, it is time to have him admitted to a GeroPsych Setting.

One can do this by calling 911 reporting the aggression, or severe agitation, his threats and your fear, and always call 911, if physically attacked in any way. Let the responding officers know there is no gun, but describe the aggression, any physical threats or attacks, let them know you are fearful for your life . . . . and ask for him to be taken to care where he can be assessed for admission to GeroPsych. This is usually done by ambulance and being taken to an ER setting; the officers can facilitate that if they can see danger exists. From the ER setting, an assessment for GeroPsych admission can be done.

Sometimes, a primary doctor or specialist is willing to make arrangements for a GeroPsych admission. Sometimes it is done through the ER. NEVER ever consent to taking your Loved One (LO) home from the ER if you have reached the end of your tether or have fear. Simply tell them you cannot take care of him any longer and that you are deeply fearful of his aggression and he is dangerous when you are alone. Ask for them to have him admitted or transferred to a GeroPsych setting. You cannot be forced to take him home.

Once in GeroPsych, he will be assessed on a 24 hour continuum, meds started and assessed for effectiveness as well as for any negative effects. His admission will be involuntary, so he cannot simply demand to go home.

At this point, if it is your decision, it is important to let the Psychiatric Social Worker and doctor know you are NOT going to take him home as you can no longer provide the level of care he needs. Let this person know placement is the only option. The SW should be able to give you the names of some facilities to screen for placement and you can find them online.

If your LO goes to an ER for any reason, also let the MD know that he is aggressive and threatening and you cannot take him home. You cannot be forced to do so.

It may be a good idea to look at which nearest med center has GeroPsych, and also perhaps screen long term care facilities that have units for dementia residents. This will give you an idea of what is out there so you do not have to later begin initial screening under time constraints. Sometimes it is a good idea to seek the advice of a Certified Elder Law Attorney to ask about Guardianship should that become necessary, but also to find out how to position yourself best for financial and long term care issues and if perhaps your LO would qualify for Medicaid reimbursement for Long Term Care.

In the meantime, if there is aggression or any fearful concerns, please be sure there are no guns in the house; it is also best to remove anything that can be easily weaponize such as knives, scissors, hammers, wrenches, other tools, golf clubs, etc. Simply lock them away or remove them from the house as much as possible, or hide other items; even kitchen knives are best locked away out of sight. Dementia related aggression can happen in a split second and there is no understanding of consequences; the person with dementia can simply act on a split second's enraged feeling and that is high risk.

Be sure you have a room or a couple of rooms in which the doors can be locked so you can feel safe if you cannot get outside to escape; always have your cell phone with you. If you feel you may have to leave instead of your LO should circumstances warrant that, it is a good idea to pack yourself a "go" bag kept in the car trunk. Also have some cash and credit card and cell phone available with your "go" plan items. You will also want extra keys and car keys you either hide or can access quickly. Once you are in a safe place, you can then take the next steps in having your LO removed from the home for Geriatric Psych care admission.

None of this is easy; it is a dynamic with so many layers and it is hard to make the first step, but once done then there is the ability to take the next step and to ensure your LO is receiving very necessary care which will also hopefully enable the LO to have a better quality of life to whatever degree that may be. This frees you to be the caring and loving wife who visits and advocates rather than the exhausted fearful caregiver that feels there is no way to manage.

Please let us know how you are and come here to talk with us; we all understand and there is no judgment. You have been doing a herculean job of all that has been needed and now it may well be time to get some help that can make a difference for both of you.

With warmest of thoughts being sent your way,

J.