My 84 yr old mother

luvtadanz

Hi. I'm new here and this is my first post.

My 84 yr old mother was always abusive and is a narcissist, and as I'm sure you can imagine, Alz has magnified that tremendously.

Her memory loss has really created a challenge because she does know that she has Alz, and has also been aware for many years now, about 20, that her memory is quite bad, and so she accuses me of using it against her.

She will say that I'm lying to her and taking advantage of her by saying that something did or didn't occurr or that something was or wasn't said, and that she just doesn't remember. But the truth of the matter is, is that she DOESN'T remember. I'm NOT taking advantage of the fact that she has Alz and I'm NOT lying to her.

For example. She will say something very cruel to my daughter-in-law and she bullies her. When I try to talk to her about her behavior (because she does still have some self-control) she will deny everything. I just got to the point a few times where I said to her, "Just because you can't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen."

I know my mom. I know how she is. I can tell when the Alz really has a hold of her and she's having a rough time, and I can also tell when she's pulling an act.

She's always been difficult, stubborn, and will lie through her teeth unless you have physical proof that you can hold in front of her face and say, "See!".

Has anyone else had this problem with a parent? Where they accuse you of taking advantage of them and using their Alz or other form of dementia against them?

loveskitties

Has your mother actually been diagnosed with Alz.?

It sounds as if your past relationship is impacting your perception of current events.

You indicate she "knows" she has Alz. Please understand that patients may have been made aware of their diagnosis, but as time passes that memory fades.

One of the hardest things to do as a caregiver or family member is to stop correcting mis-statements of the patient. Correcting them is only required when their safety or that of someone else could be impacted.

It is difficult to be accused of things which you did not do, but there is no up side in trying to convince them you are right and they are wrong.

M1

Agree, it sounds like you are still trying to "win." there's no winning to be had here, and no point in trying, as you are dealing with a broken brain here, if she has in fact been diagnosed. Likely, you were always dealing with a broken psyche, but that's another story. It's hard to learn to just not engage or not respond to these statements, but that's probably your best course of action. Does she live with you? Is that a must?

Welcome to the forum, btw, there are lots of experienced caregivers here who can share their experiences and help.

harshedbuzz

@luvtadanz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but happy you found this place.

You said: My 84 yr old mother was always abusive and is a narcissist, and as I'm sure you can imagine, Alz has magnified that tremendously.

The intersection of mental health issues and dementia can be difficult. My own dad had addiction and likely had either bipolar (his geripsych's thought) or some sort of psychopathy (a friend whose a clinical psych who met dad prior to dementia). As he lost his social filters with the onset of dementia, he basically burned through his friends and family and it was very difficult for my mom to provide the care he needed because of his difficult personality/behavior and their history of his emotional abuse.

Has your mom been professionally diagnosed? She might benefit from psychoactive medication which could relieve her agitation and make looking out for her easier.

You said: Her memory loss has really created a challenge because she does know that she has Alz, and has also been aware for many years now, about 20, that her memory is quite bad, and so she accuses me of using it against her.

Two thoughts come to mind around this.

Firstly, Alzheimer's is progressive and a terminal illness. The average life expectancy of a PWAlz is 10 years from onset of symptoms. There are those who live longer, but 15 to 20 years would be outliers and would likely be in the very late stages. Could her memory problems be related to some other condition or the use of medication, recreational drugs or alcohol?

Secondly, being told-- and even recalling-- that she has Alzheimer's doesn't mean she understands her current level of cognition and memory. My dad's neurologist reminded him of his mixed dementia diagnosis at every appointment and because it was an emotionally charged revelation, he did recall it early on but he couldn't appreciate the degree to which he was impaired and incapable. He knew his memory wasn't great but could not accept that he couldn't handle finances or drive. Later he developed anosognosia and was completely unable to appreciate that that he'd lost his IADL skills at all and believed he was still doing them independently.

You said: She will say something very cruel to my daughter-in-law and she bullies her. When I try to talk to her about her behavior (because she does still have some self-control) she will deny everything. I just got to the point a few times where I said to her, "Just because you can't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen."

I know my mom. I know how she is. I can tell when the Alz really has a hold of her and she's having a rough time, and I can also tell when she's pulling an act.

While it is typical for some PWD to have days when they are more with it than others, if she's progressed enough for a diagnosis, she gets a Get Out of Jail Free Card going forward. This is the part that was so hard for my mom and me to accept. You don't get to even some sort of cosmic score for how horrid she'd been growing up-- that ship sailed once she developed dementia. My mom, especially, struggled with this as she felt she finally had the upper hand for a change. She was very angry because his one dementia was alcohol-related and because he'd made some disastrous money decisions early in the disease. Sometimes when he was being a bully or otherwise a jerk, she'd snap at him as you describe. It never went well.

The goal is to keep the PWD calm and validated even when they accuse you of all manner of malfeasance. I'm not saying this is easy. Or fair. What you are describing is pretty common really. I'm not saying it's OK, just that it's pretty routine even in situations where the PWD was previously a lovely person. Dad routinely accused mom of having sex with random men while I was guilty of stealing money from him. Also, she looked "really old and I am "really fat". As a caregiver, to be effective, you have to let it roll off your back. Apologize even if you are innocent.

This helped me a lot. Making sure dad was adequately medicated did as well.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

If you cannot do this, maybe you aren't the appropriate person for the task. Not everyone is cut out for the job. If you are her last remaining family and can't manage, I would look into a secure MCF for her. If there is no money, I would contact your Area Agency on Aging and ask about having her care managed by a state appointed guardian.

HB