How do you face your own demented future?

Peonie60

Mom is in MC and well cared for and seemingly content. She does not know who I am but she enjoys spending time with me during my frequent visits. As her child, I stand a pretty good chance of also getting dementia and this fills me with dread. I’ve had so many ugly crying sessions thinking about a time when I may not recognize my family. How do you come to terms with this potential future?

I just read mom’s medical power of attorney, completed 30 years ago. In it she stated that she did not ever want to be dependent on anyone for her daily care. After she helped her own mother thru her losing health battles, she told me that she would never put me thru that. And yet here we are. I adamantly feel the same way that mom did 30 years ago. Words of advice or comfort?

mommyandme (m&m)

Our getting dementia isn’t necessarily a probability. Although, I sometimes see signs in myself that I worry about. I’ve just told my kids and husband that if there comes a time, put me in a facility, do not take on caregiving for me. This after I was in the middle of caregiving for my mom which I did at home until she passed. (I support placement, it just didn’t need to happen for us). I also know my husband and I need to consult with an elder law attorney ASAP about our own futures, for our children.

With that being said, I try not to worry until there’s something to worry about. I’d go crazier if I thought about all the “what if’s” . I’m pretty sure if I get dementia, I won’t be worrying too much about my family, it’ll all be about me me me! (Adding some humor in a disgusting situation, sorry.)

Try to stay in the present as much as possible. While on this journey, this helps me a lot. It can go from focusing on one day at a time to one minute at a time. This is all very hard and I’m so sorry you find yourself here.

MP8

Hi, Peonie60. I think this is a concern for many of us.

My mother, whom I am now caring for, got a DPOA and will done and bought LTC insurance at the time that she was caring for my father, who had Alzheimer's. She stated then that she would rather die than have this disease.

Yesterday, I signed documents updating all of my papers so that my children wouldn't have to go through what I'm going through with my mother - and I'm about to purchase LTC insurance. I've also given my children clear instructions on moving me into a facility rather than trying to take care of me on their own.

The big difficulty is that just at the moment when we need to be clear-headed and recognize that we need help, etc. is likely to be the time when we no longer have that capacity. I am hoping that my family will catch it early enough that we can still have a rational discussion. (Of course, I'm really hoping that I won't have Alz. or other dementias, that I'll die peacefully in my sleep while still strong in my body and mind. But best to have plans and open discussion now.)

One thing that I find helpful is to make sure I am taking care of myself now, taking on new challenges, keeping active, eating well, etc. When I do these things, it helps me feel better, like I am doing something for what I hope will be a good future.