How to Cope with Mom’s Dementia

Yvonne61

My dad passed away in 2015, my mom has known this. Just yesterday she called me to tell me he had just left the Assisted living facility where she stays, She asked me to hurry and try to find him. I got 2 calls from her about this, first time ever! I was in shock and scared! What do I say and do!!!

M1

Welcome Yvonne. This is a pretty common phenomenon, although it's certainly painful when it comes up, and especially when it's new. You might want to see how she responds to a gentle reminder that he's no longer with you. My partner (now well into stage 5 and edging towards 6) persistently forgets that one of her beloved sisters died in 2020, but she doesn't get upset when i remind her. However, more recently she also asks me repeatedly if her parents are still alive (both long gone).

I think it's just part of the inevitable disease progression. It might be worth checking to be sure she's stable otherwise (no UTI, for instance, new meds, or anything else that could be upsetting her applecart).

You've come to a supportive place, hope it helps.

harshedbuzz

Yvonne-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

What you are describing is very common. As the disease progresses, PWD become less oriented to time and in doing so often regress to a different stage of their lives in a kind of time travel.

How to best handle this will depend on her stage of dementia. Often it is suggested that, at a certain point, coming up with a fiblet about their deceased LO being on a business trip, at the cabin or on a cruise (whatever is most like the individual) in a matter-of-fact manner and then redirecting to another topic or maybe a snack. If her AL is a higher acuity facility with dementia-trained staff, you could contact them to help redirect her when she gets stuck on one of these thoughts.

This strategy avoids the PWD receiving the bad news for what feels to them to be the first time. My dad was iffy on whether my late sister was dead or not. When he brought her up, I would segue to a cute or funny story about her rather than answer yes or no.

HB

Yvonne61

Thank you so much for your input!!! It really helps. I did tell my mom my dad was gone, and she started to cry! I quickly changed the conversation to something else.

She lives in an Assisted living facility, they will be checking for an UTI, and also for a new medication she started.

Great to hear we are taking the right steps! But I am sad and scared that she will continue to ask about dad….I will have to come up with a story!?

secondcor521

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/174758#Comment_174758

Sorry about your Mom.

I've been "coming up with stories" for my Dad lately based on advice given here.

Thankfully, it's not that hard in practice. First, I try to pre-game - what kind of question is he likely to ask about? What is my general story going to be? Thankfully, because of dementia, I have figured out that the story doesn't need to be very complicated or even sensical - just a sentence or two that is plausible should work: "Oh, they're on a business trip and should be back in a week." My Dad never has follow up questions like you might expect a non-dementia person to have.

He does tend to ask the same questions over and over again, and I just repeat the same answer. Although I also have figured out I usually need to make it simpler and shorter. I might start with "They're on a business trip out of town and will be back next week on Tuesday" and go to "They're on an out of town trip and will be back in a few days" and maybe even "They'll be back in a few days." The shorter and simpler answer seems to be easier for my Dad to grasp (he's in late stage 5/ early stage 6).

It obviously can be hard emotionally though. I still sometimes feel guilty or unsure about fiblets (the term they use for this tool) even though they seem to be very effective. They also are just a painful reminder about his dementia and decline every time I have to use one.

solerdr

Yvonne,

Sorry to hear that you and your family are having to deal with this terrible disease.

Reminding our loved ones of painful memories is not beneficial nor helpful, and only causes them pain.

Like Harshedbuzz suggested, we found that "therapeutic lying" was the better route for my father. If your mother calls worried about your father, do tell her that he is on a trip and will return. I HIGHLY recommend NOT REMINDING your mother he has passed, there is no purpose to it and only causes her pain; even if it is only temporary pain, it is still not good.

Therapeutic lying is an act of love and we must overcome our feelings of guilty for "lying" to our parents. And let's be honest, I am sure our parents "lied" to us at one point in our lives or another to spare our feelings. They did so out of love.

I wish you the best.

May God's light guide your day, and may His spirit bring you peace.

Damion