I Lost the War, but Never Gave Up

FloydSnax

It comes with a completely destroyed heart... That my war is over. I never gave up. I tried my best and my best wasn't enough. My mom passed away on Monday the 12th of June at 6:05 pm. And everything about it was horrible.

With all the ER visits and sleeping with her in many ICU's, It came to this. It felt like a movie. Like it wasn't really happening but it was too real to deny. She had an appointment to see her Primary Physician at 4 o'clock. I started getting her ready at 2. We were still running late. She was out of breath but not more than usual. She had air pumping from her tank. Suddenly I needed to make a decision...her breathing now becoming erratic. Well, her appointment is at Kaiser Hollywood and we're two blocks away, her Doctor is there...within a half hour to an hour, right there on the 3rd-floor parking lot, about 10 physicians are all yelling, administering CPR, trying to keep me away as Im screaming and crying...Like I said, a movie.

I didn't know some hospitals aren't real hospitals. But the crew that was out there wouldn't give up. Then the firemen jumped in...it was a nightmare. It was hardcore. My mom's name is Hope. And I feel I lost all of mine. I made a couple of decisions that will haunt me for a while. But my mom almost got to 91 years. That's a long life and in the last 10 or so, I tried my best to make her feel safe and to laugh a lot. And when she sees her sister on the other side, her head will be sharp with no signs of severe dementia. 

Again, I'd like to thank everyone on this site for saving my mental state at the beginning of this fight. Im in debt to you all. I'll be checking in from time to time...because we can never give up.  

GothicGremlin

@FloydSnax - My deepest condolences. Please make sure to give yourself some space, you worked tirelessly for your mom, under very difficult circumstances. And no, you never gave up.

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Ed1937

Floyd, I'm so sorry. My wife died one year ago, and I made decisions that I could look back at, and wonder if I made the right choices. But you and I both did what we thought were right at the time, and it will do no good for either of us to dwell on what might have been if we had made a different decision. We did our best.

LicketyGlitz

You know what else I think your mom's going to see on the other side? How you gave her your all and the failures won't be a part of that vision for her, just your devotion and her pride in you.

Hang on, Stage 8: Caregiver Recovery is kinda rocky too. Be kind to yourself because you are a dementia caregiver superstar - it just may take you some time to realize it.

Jgirl57

I am sorry for your loss and stress of the situation. Like the others have said, be kind to yourself and know that all you can do is what you have done…. ; Hugs to you

FloydSnax

Today was the first day I didn't hopelessly cry and I knew there was a chance I might if I logged on here...I hate that we all have gone or are going through this. Maybe tomorrow will be the first day I don't cry. Again, thank you all.

harshedbuzz

@FloydSnax

I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother Hope. That's such a beautiful name.

I am also sorry you and she were denied a gentler passing. In time the memory of that chaos will fade, and you will be able to remember better times. You've been a passionate and relentless advocate and protector for your mom in exceptionally difficult circumstances. Be gentle with yourself.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

Floyd, I’m so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing, kind of suddenly. We know it’s gonna happen…some day… but are never truly prepared for it. You were her rock, regardless of how the chaos rattled your worlds. Her comfort was your focus throughout. She must be very proud… and…you never gave up!

Please be patient and kind to yourself. Time does seem to help bring the good memories back. The emotional rollercoaster will finally start to settle down. Give yourself lots of time and know you’re still not alone. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymousjpl123

Im so sorry. I cannot imagine that chaos. I am glad you checked in here and I hope it gets easier: for sure be gentle with yourself.

M1

Floyd I'm sorry there was too much drama, codes are always hellish. 91 is hard to argue with, for sure.

zauberflote

@FloydSnax I am so very very sorry. You worked harder than anybody I know to make your mother's life better. Indeed, you never ever gave up. May peace come to you as you work out how to live jn Stage 8.

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ChicagoGal

Floyd - I am so sorry that you lost your Mom and especially in such a traumatic way. I have some regrets about decisions I made while carrying for my Mom as well. At that time I thought I was doing what was best for her - something I have to accept and live with.

FloydSnax

Let me just say, I never would have made it through this whole ordeal without this site and the kind people who have followed my path and given me their insights. I haven't been on this site since that cruel day and only came to quickly write a new post about the aftermath, but I stopped to read these few messages, and Im back to an emotional wreck. I mean, I cry a lot but I feel I have more of a connection with the people here and its bringing back a lot. Sometimes I feel Im losing my mind. I still hear her call my name. When an event takes place I want to call her, grabbing my phone. It's only been almost 3 months and I know I will get better.

If some of you remember my relationship with my sister and how she never helped me with my mom...well, I have cut complete contact with her. Im now an only child. She turned her back on me shortly after the funeral. Saying all the right things(Come stay with me, we'll get through this together...bullshit!) She made staying with her impossible. I stayed at motels more than I stayed with her. Even taking her key from my keychain. That's my older sister. She should have made sure her little brother was safe. She sent me a text the day I was supposed to go that I barely even read. Something about her needing to find her happiness and peace...really? I text her back: Good luck with that. As of now, I do not have a sister as you no longer have a brother. The end. Do not contact me. And I blocked her number. In my most devastated, most lost...Shit! I can't believe Im going on about her.

Im way better off and have finally landed on my feet after a few moments of deep despair, not knowing what I was to do. That's what my post was going to be about. Having a plan. Because I have a good solid amount of friends. And when I was on the brink of sleeping in my car, nobody stepped up. I get it...It's difficult for everyone, but I even had one very good friend tell me, "I always have a room for you. Whenever you're ready." This from a lifelong good friend! Im still waiting for his return call.

I always knew that I was going to have to start over at 55. And that scared me. But, like I expected every person I've ever met... to take me in and let me grieve and rebound and get straight, my old drummer stepped up and that's where I am now. Picking up the pieces. For the last decade or so, I had no life but watching over my mom. Now Im slowly getting my life back.

Dont really believe in all that religious talk or Karma... but someone, something was looking out. This was headed down a dark and ugly path. And in a short time, a complete 180. Laying in my own bed, in my own room, and healing. To anyone who thinks there are no more options, believe me. Give it a day or two. No one has been lower than how I was feeling. And someone was looking out. It will happen for you too.

GothicGremlin

Hi @FloydSnax - I'm glad to see you and know that you're slowly getting your life back. I've wondered how you're doing....

I'm sorry about your relationship with your sister. It resonates. My brother is like your sister. I haven't blocked him yet, but only because Peggy is still alive. If I outlive her, then I'll block him. But for now, I have to keep the channels open.

I hope things continue to get better for you.

SusanB-dil

Floyd - so sorry. Yes, you did your best. And I do believe in karma - what goes around, comes around - you reap what you sow, and you did great. We all know there is no 'win' to 'this thing'. Do post again to let us know how you're doing. You do have friends and you have us.