We all need to laugh everyday

PookieBlue

I posted this earlier, but for some reason it didn’t show up on messages so I’m trying again. Funny thing, it does show up when I access through notifications. ????

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Denise1847

Thank you. I needed the humor today. So cute.

Ed1937

😂 I heard something similar before. 🤔

M1

We used to have a humor thread during the pandemic. My son is a fount of stupid jokes. Here are two:

How do surfers say hello to each other? (They wave).

Two fish were swimming in a pond and ran into a concrete wall. One says to the other, "Dam(n)."

White Crane

Thanks! I needed a chuckle this morning.

mommyandme (m&m)

It did show up on the I am a Caregiver (General Topics) board. I thanked you there and I’ll thank you again here.

PookieBlue

I finally saw that m&m. Thanks.

PookieBlue

I love the quick minds of our kids. THIS IS WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?

Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY,GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

Denise1847

Loved the jokes. Thanks for the uplifting.

GiGi1963

Best part of my day. Thank you!

PookieBlue

This story is hilarious

Middle Wife :-) I’m sharing this post because I literally laughed till I cried. I’m thinking we all need a laugh these days. Read to the end to get the best laugh🤣 have fun!

The Middle Wife' 

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

 I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. 

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.' 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone laugh.

Denise1847

Loved this. Thank you.

toolbeltexpert

Thanks I needed this sorry I can't add to the humor.

Ed1937

It doesn't look like this thread is going to die easily, so I might as well jump in, even though it's kinda long.

A guy was driving in the country, when he came upon an old farm house, with the owner sitting on the porch in a rocker. There was a big sign near the road that said "Talking dog for sale".

Intrigued by the sign, he stopped to ask the farmer about the dog. The farmer told him the dog was in the back yard, and he could walk back there to see him. So the guy walks back there, and says to the dog "Your owner said you talk. Is that true?" The dog replied in the affirmative. The guy asked the dog to tell him a little about himself. The dog said "One night when everyone was sleeping, I smelled smoke, and the house was on fire. I woke everybody up, so they got out before the house burned to the ground." "And another time, my owner took me to see the president speak. While we were there, I noticed some guy pull a gun, and he was pointing it at the president. Luckily I was able to get to him on time, and I held him down until law enforcement came."

The guy was astounded, and went back to talk to the farmer. What do you want for the dog, he asked. The farmer told him $25.00. WHAT?!! Why are you letting him go for $25.00? The farmer asked him if the dog told him how he saved everyone from the fire. Yes, answered the man. Farmer: "And did he tell you how he saved the president's life?" Again, the guy replied in the affirmative. "Well, (said the farmer) he never did any of that shit, and I can't stand a damn liar."

PookieBlue

That’s a funny one Ed. Thanks for sharing

PookieBlue

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp." "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to the elderly man and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....NOT dolphins!"

Iris L.

Don't stop! Keep them coming!

The middle wife, oh my!

Ed1937

🤗