Letter to my dad

cort323

I would like to send a letter to my dad who has early stage or maybe middle stage Alzheimer's. My stepmother moved him from Maryland to an apartment in Florida. He did not want to move. I was concerned about this and very sad, but I stayed positive and cheerful during the packing and on moving day when we said goodbye. I did not want to make it harder for him. I want to tell him how sad I am about this move. I want to tell him things in a letter that he can look at when he won't remember what I've just said to him. He is probably at that point now. I'm afraid of sounding condescending or making him upset. Any advice on how to do this? Or is a letter like this not a good idea? Thank you!

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Why did your stepmom move? Does she have a better support system in FL, is living there a bucket-list item they once had? FWIW, my own parents split their time between MD and FL before I moved them closer to me; their 55+ community in FL was much more inclusive of PWD than the one in MD or where they moved here. That could be a positive; they were very isolated elsewhere once dad lost his social filter.

I can see a lot of ways where sending this letter could go sideways-

1. A letter that could be seen as criticizing SM's decision could backfire on you. It could make your dad sad that you feel this way and it could anger her. She could limit your access to your dad if she feels you aren't a positive influence.
2. Your dad no longer has the mental bandwidth to process your sadness over his move or do anything with this information. That ship has sailed. It's unfair to burden him with this. Find somewhere or someone else to vent with. Besides this place, I had a dear friend whose mom had dementia ta the same time my dad did, we used to bond over 4-hour lunches comparing notes.
3. Reading can be an issue for PWD. Even if he is still able to decode the letters into words, he may not have the working memory to make sense of what is in front of him. My dad was able to "read" well into the later stages-- street signs, billboards, even a newspaper-- but he couldn't really follow what it meant. One of my nieces was very busy in her career and lived over an hour away; she used to send dad funny or pretty cards a couple times a week, sometimes she'd include and old photograph. He loved getting these. Maybe you could do something similar for your dad. And if you aren't thrilled with your stepmom, include some glitter. -HB

cort323

Thank you! Oh my gosh, I can't believe you suggested glitter. So funny! I hate it so much that I don't allow my kids to bring anything with glitter in my house.

My stepmother moved to Florida to be closer to her daughter. I was close to them in Maryland but I understand that she'd prefer her daughter to me. I didn't agree with the move because my dad was still able to get around in his hometown and have a little independence. I just wanted them to wait a bit longer before moving. I wouldn't tell my dad anything that sounds like criticism. (You are exactly right with point #1 - she's limited all family members' access since they met.) I don't want him to think that I don't care that he moved because I was not upset when he left. It's going to be hard for us to visit him so I'm not sure how often we'll manage it. I will keep all your advice in mind as I figure out what to say/write. Sending funny cards often is a great idea.

Thank you again so much! It was great to have a response so quickly.

mommyandme (m&m)

i would say to write often, short and sweet messages, in large print. Possibly include a picture often too. I know you’ll miss your dad. Stepmoms life and happiness, as much as she’ll have being a caregiver, are important too. There also came a time that I had to open the card, take it out, show it to my mom and read it to her. Hopefully your step mom will do this willingly. It’s another small activity to do with our LOs which always helped with the monotony of being activities coordinator.