Moving before it gets too bad?

Anna2022

In the next few months, I hope to get an evaluation for DH. He has an appointment but is already saying he won't go. We'll see how that goes. My question is related to the near future. I am interested in moving to another community in a different state. The move would be for me, not necessarily for DH. I'm thinking about my life as he gets worse - is that such a bad thing? Any thoughts on moving sooner than later or not at all? Many thanks!

Dio

I think it's great that you're planning for your own future. I'm unsure based on your post whether you plan to move just yourself or together with your DH, but I beleive you're asking about moving as a couple. There's no judgment here. You have to take care of yourself first before you can care for your DH. Sooner rather than later is wise because PWD conditions will only get worse...just IMHO.

Anna2022

I'm thinking of moving as a couple. We have talked about moving for years but now, I am the only one who still has the motivation and memory to do it!

Denise1847

Hi Anna,

A couple of things come to mind as I have been down this thought process. What is driving your desire to move? Will you have support in another state/place? I ask these things because I went through a brief time when I thought it would be best is we relocated because I was fearful I wouldn't be able to handle the maintenance of our home, which I dearly love. I believe my underlying reason for even thinking about it is somehow I thought that if we moved, things would get better, it wouldn't be so difficult etc. I did come to grips with my faulty thinking and realized I am already handling the maintenance, I have confidence I can take care of things, I love my home and running away wasn't going to change a thing.

Keep in mind that moving will bring on a lot of stress for you on top of what you already have. You may be having to do all of it yourself. Also, people with dementia have a very difficult time adjusting to change of any kind so it could increase his behavior problems. You are going to need family and friends to help you through this so please consider where that support is.

Ed1937

Denise mentioned that moving itself will not make things easier. Many times people think they can more or less run away from their problems, but that's just not the case. If moving presents more substantial pros than cons, it could be worth considering, but you really have to be realistic when weighing the pros/cons. There is a lot to consider, and I'm sure you can come up with a good list of things to look for.

What is your motivation for moving? That could play heavily into the decision making.

LJCHR

When my DH was diagnosed-I did the same thing. We moved to an independent living facility over a year ago and just signed a new lease. He totally loves living there. I had some pushback from his son at first, but now he has admitted it was the best move.

I also was considering my future and security when I suggested the move and am very happy I did that. We have to be proactive and look out for our well-being extended past today.

Any move is hard on dementia patients but I think moving earlier in process is easier than waiting until later.

Good Luck with your decision and it’s not wrong to think of yourself.

Anna2022

Thank you for all your comments. There were good questions about my motivation - part of it is the fantasy that if we move somewhere else, it will be better/easier. I know this is not the truth. The other part is that I've wanted to move away for years now - to a smaller community with better summer weather and my thinking is that as DH gets worse, at least I'll be where I want to be. Somewhat selfish, I know, but in reality, I need to think about some of my needs too. In the dark hours of early morning, I think that if I had a summer place to escape the heat for the summer months, it might be a good compromise, especially if I can establish a community and support system while we are there during those months. At least in these early times when DH can be moved....Thanks for letting me ramble a bit while I sort this out!

mrahope

I am facing this dilemma, too. My DH, who was told he had "mild dementia" in March and I are moving about 200 miles to a more rural part of our state to be closer to my son, DIL and granddaughter. Our son and his wife have been urging us to make the move for about a year now. I just decided to do it after an episode where I was trying to get my DH up the stairs while he was quite ill and could barely manage it. We are moving to a house with only one level. We've had really good support from them so far, which is a blessing. But despite all this, my DH's anger and irritability are ramping up ahead of the move and it's gotten to the point where my son and his wife are afraid he might literally physically attack me while we are making the drive to our new home. My son is going to drive him instead. I'm afraid I've waited until too late, but have decided to pursue it anyway because I need more support now and fear the time I'll need to place him is approaching, despite his continued ability to do all his ADLs.

jfkoc

Moving is a huge decision and many things must be considered.

Please check out medical care, outside help with your loved one and support for you.

So many people posting her have moved to their retirement home only to find themselves stranded.

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Laurie1282

My HWA and I are in the midst of moving from our big old home on an acre lot in Nebraska to a small one-story home near our oldest son and his family in Florida. At first my husband did not want to go but is being quite cooperative now. My only wish is that I would have done this a year earlier.

I am doing this more for me than for him. I'm sure I will need more help as the disease progresses and I want to be near our grandchildren and in a place where the weather is better, and the Gulf is near. I am 16 years younger than him and am definitely thinking about life after Alz. Whether that is selfish or not, it is my reality.