How can I protect my DH from making a complete fool of himself?

Palmetto Peg

My DH is progressing and is currently in stage 3-4 of dementia. He is still very social out in public, and people talking to him for a short time would never believe he has any issues. Last week we attended a neighborhood function - we have only been here since late October - and he spent time talking with a woman who is a board member for an area abused women's shelter. My DH was an educator and later an attorney, so on paper he looks like a perfect fit for a board member of an organization of this type. She asked him to submit his resume and a cover letter, and he has been invited for an interview! Of course, I know they will figure out fairly quickly that something is wrong, but perhaps not until after he is appointed, and it sounded like this will happen. I tried to gently remind him that he has some memory issues and this might be difficult for him to keep up with, but he was adamant that he wants to do something useful with his life. What would you do? I have not shared his diagnosis with new friends here, as I want him to be able to continue playing golf and socializing, but when they realize what a mistake this is, I fear that not only will he be devastated when he is asked to resign, but also that our neighbor will share the story with others. He needed extensive assistance from me to find an old resume and to compose a cover letter, so I know he cannot do this job successfully. I thought about refusing to help him, but he was so eager and excited. Should I have just said I wouldn't help and he wasn't up to it? That seemed cruel, and he is so easily hurt these days. Any suggestions will be most appreciated! Thank you all so much!

ButterflyWings

Hi Peg,

I know how it feels to want to "help", or even to stave off a potential meltdown. But the kindest thing, I found, was to pretend I was helping, and silently sabotage to the best of my ability. That sounds so wrong, doesn't it? I used that word because I truly understand the silent conversations we have with ourselves, not realizing we may be "helping" someone drive when it is dangerous, or masking their true (lack of) capacity which can backfire if they end up with responsibility for tasks that are beyond their judgement etc. Say, if funds are wasted or disappear, or just if Board decisions are compromised then it really is like sacrificing others, to shore up his (or our) false hopes for just a little while longer. Postponing the inevitable. For me it felt less difficult and more responsible when we realize it is our job to stop the madness. Our PWD LOs can't. That's what he needs your help with.

It was necessary for me to do this silently and secretly because of my DH's ansognosia. He could not comprehend that anything was wrong, was not in agreement with retiring on Dr's orders (after agreeing, then forgetting) and would have really endangered us (he actually did deplete finances) and would have likely done professional harm to others eventually, if I had not stepped in. It sucks, I know, but we just don't know how fast progression will be, or in what areas, so to wait and see is asking for trouble. Moreso for some than others I know, depending on their career area. I realized hiding his deficits or compensating for them in these kinds of situations would make me complicit and that THAT was actually wrong. Not the act of redirecting, stalling, pretending, disappearing things, not giving him messages, etc., etc. All of which I did, and more, once I realized what was at stake. It wasn't easy and I did have a few discreet conversations - some that worked and some that didn't. In fact, some took advantage of the news I confided in them, in ways that I hope Karma handles since I can't. But still, exiting him from the things he could not/should not do for safety's sake is the caregiver's job. If your DH can't accomplish something like the resume and cover letter, then that's the reality right? He can't. It is best not to do it for him as you are suspecting. But blame it on the computer. The lesson I had to learn (it took lots of practice!): on diagnosis, his neuropsych said I was in charge. (That was a sobering thought). And directed me to this forum to learn as much as I could about how to navigate dementia.

I really understand how you feel. But trust the wisdom on this forum; don't let dementia lead you both around by the nose. It is a trickster. And you don't want him to crash and burn publicly if he gets appointed to this role that you helped him get. Imagine if the person blames you for not being more candid if something goes wrong in the future? That seems more likely to hurt your relationships in this new community. Maybe you can tell the woman a limited amount of information without going into much detail that she need not know. OK, too long, I know. But my heart goes out to you. Been there. You can do it. I perfected the innocent look and shoulder shrug long ago. It did not come naturally to me and felt awkward at first. But I don't regret it one bit.

Denise1847

Dear Peg,

I made sure my surrounding neighbors knew of my DH's problems to ensure that they wouldn't expect him to do something that would be harmful, to help them understand his behavioral changes and to help (when the time comes) if he wanders etc. All of our friends know, as well. I just think that honesty is best, and this is a disease that we should not be ashamed of, but to learn to have compassion for the patient and their loved ones. I know that some people are mean-spirited, but that is on them. My thoughts are to head this problem off at the pass as there will be other times when his behavior is noticeable, and they will eventually wonder.

I wish you luck.

Ed1937

Hi Peg. I think BW's post was excellent! It's hard to pick a best answer, when you will probably get several. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons of all posts, then pick whatever you will out of them to get the answer you're looking for.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd let them know that he has a progressive disease, and would not be able to do the job they would like him to do. You could ask them to keep it quiet because he is early stage, but there's no guarantee they will. Everyone will know in due time, even if you try to keep it secret.

My guess is that if you allowed him to take a job like that, without letting them know, you might be held responsible for any and all damages he could cause them. I doubt the law would look kindly at your decision to allow him to get the job. It really sucks, but you have to protect your assets (and his feelings) as much as possible. Sorry you have to make a decision like that.

M1

Peg there were several circumstances in which I had to go behind my partner's back and let others know that she had progressive dementia. People were unfailingly understanding and kind. Even up until her MC placement, she would occasionally ask if others "knew." Sometimes I said yes, sometimes not. Fortunately she had retired professionally before symptoms became floridly apparent, but i had to say something to our banker and her investment managers without her knowledge--but my telling them only came as affirmation, as they had already suspected trouble based on their interactions with her. I would let your neighbors know, including the one who has asked for his resume for the women's shelter board. She can probably find a polite way of letting him down.

ghphotog

I like what Butterfly said about helping but secretly sabotaging. As far driving and I know there's more, but I guess I was fortunate that I was able to use COVID lockdowns as an excuse that I was the only one in the family allowed to drive. It worked. By the time it was over she never asked to drive much after that. I would take her to an empty area and let her drive around a little. Now I can't even let her drive a golf cart.

Palmetto Peg

Thank you all for your advice! Just for clarification, this is a volunteer position with no salary and he would not be handling money, so I don't think there would be any exposure there. I am going to talk to the neighbor and tell her what is going on with him, and suggest that he could help (actually we could help together) during specific fundraisers or events, rather than him having a permanent position on the board. She is a very intelligent woman, and I am sure she can find a way to make him feel that this would be a great way for him to contribute to the organization. I am hoping she will go along with that idea, as I do feel he would benefit from feeling useful. I was just so stressed over the whole thing that I needed some ideas to help me figure out what to do. Your suggestions helped so much!

Ed1937

Peg, I think that is a workable solution. It sounds like a win-win to me.

Lhuerta

Peg, I feel you. It's been two years since my DH's diagnosis and he has changed drastically. For a long time, I tried to keep it from people, foolishly thinking I could! It finally got to the point where I now tell everyone. I have small cards printed that I carry with me all of the time. They explain that he has Alzheimer's and thanks them for their kindness and patience.

One example - we went to Menard's. He loves that store and was very happy to be there. He still remembers exactly where the pistachios are that he likes so much. At check out, he hovered so close to the cashier and literally grabbed the change out of his hand. The cashier was startled, annoyed, and bewildered all at once. I flashed one of those cards and in a split second, he understood and was incredibly helpful.

Recently, a couple came into my store. I thought the woman was rude and wrote her off as a "mean old lady". When they stopped at the door, closer to me, I recognized though, that look that she had was dementia. The man was visibly embarrassed and I wanted to tell him not to worry, that I understood. I didn't have the chance to tell him that, and he was obviously not comfortable saying anything to me. It would have been so easy for him to show me that card and it would have alleviated the troublesome feeling that we both were feeling.

My DH is unaware of these cards and when I use them. He has agnosia and wouldn't understand. Sometimes people say, "I'm so sorry". I don't do it for pity, but just so they will understand what is happening. I've come to believe that people need to recognize dementia in different stages. There are so many afflicted and with the large boomer generation, there are going to be more and more.

You might not be at this point just yet but know that people can be incredibly kind when they understand what is going on.

Best wishes to you on this journey.

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Iris L.

Ugh, IMHO, I consider it abusive to put or keep a PWD into a situation that he or she can no longer handle.

Iris