Anger

CanyonGal

My mother passed away at the end of April. She was in a MC facility and on hospice. For the last 4 years, it has been only my husband and I taking care of her (medical needs and finances).

My sisters did not help. There were several attempts to get money from her and bullying her to get whatever they wanted from her (correctly labeled, this is called elder abuse).

My older sister passed away from cancer in February. My mother was marked as imminent by hospice starting in Feb, until she passed in April. Suddenly, my younger sister materialized, either from guilt or to show an appearance. She wasn't there when mom passed.

I managed to get through the funeral but my younger sister pulled some stunts that I should have confronted her on, (i.e. insisting the funeral be on her day off so she didn't have to take off work) and deciding she was in charge of the service (when everything there knew about her abuse of my mother). I just needed to keep things in motion, to get through the service, to get Mom buried.

There was no assistance in the follow-up tasks or clearing out the storage building of her things. The estate lawyer said once she received 50% of the 'estate' money, she would be gone. True to form, that is what happened. Cut the check, out the door, no thank you for taking care of our mother, or anything.

I am just so angry. Angry about having to do it all on my own. Anger at two sisters who refused to help her. Angry at the loss of 4 years that impacted my marriage, my health, and any earnings toward my retirement. Sometimes the anger surpasses the grief, or perhaps it is part of it.

I start a grief support group with hospice at the end of the week. Perhaps they can help me work through these emotions.

mommyandme (m&m)

I hope the support group does indeed help you? I’m so sorry for the complete losses of your mom and sister, 2023 is a real jerk so far?

When I’m deep thinking I often think of the people I know, relatives too, in two ways, they’re either deep thinkers or shallow thinkers. IMO shallow thinkers can’t really become deep thinkers no matter what they try. I know a couple of deep thinkers that wish they were shallow thinkers but that’s no use either. I would expect caregivers to mostly be deep thinkers. Takes a lot of empathy to do what we’ve done and do. Not much empathy = shallow thinker (add narcissist too)

IMO your sister is a shallow thinker. My theory suggests there’s nothing you can do to change it. You will “accept and adjust”, as with everything else you’ve had to do on this journey, just to survive. Anger is definitely part of the grieving process. You’re grieving for so much. There’s plenty to be angry about. Your mom’s and sister’s death are huge losses, even when we know their end with us is coming. You’re grieving who you wish your sisters were, but weren’t and aren’t even now. You’ve probably been grieving that for quite awhile. Forgiving your sis for being a selfish, shallow thinker may go along way for your healing (of course not all shallow thinkers are selfish and there are selfish deep thinkers too in my theory). When I have to deal with someone that’s difficult for me to understand, “how can they be this way?” etc… if I can identify their thought process or lack thereof, it helps me when my shallow thinker label fits. I can kind of get off my internal drama train. None of this, obviously, is one size fits all.

I hope you will find some relief and peace with your husband soon. Give yourself the time and patience you need. I hope your husband can be supportive of your time too. I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re experiencing. You’re strong for sure and will endure and survive.

jfkoc

I would be angry too and now that all is said and done would sit down and write my sister a letter...no holds bared. Would I mail it? Probably. Would I open a reply? Perhaps.

CanyonGal

m&m - you are on track with the sister, a shallow and selfish person. She will never change so it is best to move forward, without that person in my life. If anything, I have learned life is too short to spend letting useless, uncaring people in my life, even if they are "family." I have enough pain to deal with without letting this person add to it, with unkind comments, demands, or just plain being 'mean' to hurt me.

So, now I focus on cleaning up and sorting through the paperwork left behind. I have so much to shred because it is no longer needed. (Do I need tax forms from previous years? Probably not, just keep the last 3 yrs.) Old bills that have been paid. And there are things she kept that were meaningful to her but have no meaning to me, so deciding if I really need to keep that object or paper or article. And some days, just keep it all until after 6 months pass, or a year, just in case there is a claim.

On the positive side, I was finally being successful in getting her credit card company to close the account. It was ridiculous explaining that she doesn't need a credit card anymore. (The account has zero balance, so why can't you close it?) Sometimes it was easier when I was the POA because I had access to what I needed to do to get a bill paid or check to see if something was resolved. With her death, I have no access, and there isn't any probate, so no personal representative applies.

Quilting brings calm

I think you could still get a personal representative appointed by the court even though the estate isn’t large enough for probate.

I understand your anger- my LOs are still alive, but I am the only one of their six combined offspring doing anything. Three step-siblings live within 10 minutes of my parent’s AL. I live 35 minutes away. I understand that their dad wasn’t much of a parent to them- he wasn’t much of one to me. I still shouldn’t have to do this by myself.

i suggest that you don’t allow your remaining sister any more space in your head. Positively or negatively. Let your remaining time be for you and your spouse.