Parents in separate facilities

diancald

My parents have had a volatile relationship for over 60 years. My father has always been selfish and verbally abusive. My mother couldn’t ever bring herself to walk away, despite other family members urging her to do so. Now here we are, mom is 88 and frail with congestive heart failure and dad has been diagnosed with FTD at age 90. She can no longer stand up to his bullying and can barely take care of herself, much less him. He has refused all help and insists there is nothing wrong with him, despite having diabetes, macular degeneration which has rendered him nearly blind and significant hearing loss in addition to the dementia. We tried paid caregivers but MOM usually ended up firing them because she was so embarrassed by my dad’s aggressive and often inappropriate behaviors. Over the past couple years I witnessed my dad getting rough with mom and called 911 once but stopped short of sending him to geriatric psychiatric unit.

Things came to a head 3 weeks ago when, after a 6 day stay in cardiac care for my mom, I decided to move her to assisted living. The plan was for dad to remain in their independent living apartment with caregivers that he seemed to like. My dad had other ideas and packed his suitcase and took off on foot down a busy highway. He fell and a passerby stopped to help. 911 was called and he was taken to the ER where he punched and kicked the paramedics and ER staff. He spent 12 days in Geri-psych and is now in a MC facility. I had only one choice of facility because of his violent behavior. No one else would take him.

He is heavily medicated with anti psychotic drugs, but hates where he is and hates me for “ putting him in jail.” Still says all the same things, just less aggressively. Wants to see my mom. He doesn’t understand that they are in separate places due to their different medical conditions. He views it as a romantic break up and thinks she left him for a boyfriend!

My mother is thriving where she is and has said that she thinks about him but does not miss him. It’s like she wanted someone else (me) to make the decision to separate them. She does have days where she says she wants to see him but not live with him anymore.

Should I allow them to see one another? If so, when and where? I still view my dad as a flight risk and have no plans to take him out of his place for visits or outings. My mom would be upset to see the place he now lives and how he is now with the meds.

I have two siblings on opposite coasts and I am the only daughter so all of this has fallen on me. I have POA and have petitioned for guardianship. Hearing is in July.

Thanks for listening and any advice is appreciated.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.

I have a family friend who had a similar issue with her parents. Mom had a history of bipolar disorder which wasn't always under good control even before she developed dementia. Her dad had CHF and early dementia. The dad had zero empathy for his wife or patience in caring for her; I think he was just worn out.

They were in their 80s when their kids split them up. The youngest son and his wife were already POA/caregivers for one of the wife's aunts with dementia who was living in a cottage they owned with 24/7 caregivers. They brought mom in and operated a tiny nursing home for the pair. Dad was OK for a time at home, but as he got sicker, one of the daughters moved in with him. The other available siblings-- helped where they could and would sometimes arrange for a date for the parents. Sometimes they brought dad to see mom (the youngest son was his favorite child and they shared many interests) at the son's home and other times they'd meet for lunch together at a casual restaurant.

If your mom is interested, you could bring her to see him but I don't think the other way around would be workable given his behaviors.

HB

Emily 123

I think if your dad is still filled with anger and misconceptions that it might be more peaceful for your mom to wait a while longer, or even see if she wants to see him as more time goes by. She sounds like she's doing well where she is, and she's not breaking down the doors to try to see him.

What if you take her and he verbally abuses her? And you already know it will upset her to see where he is. Kind of a choice between having two upset people on your hands or just one.

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MN Chickadee

I would also consult the attorney helping you with guardianship. In the mean time maybe you could tell dad that mom isn't strong enough yet to get in the car and go places. Would a face time or video call work to see how things go? I guess if it were me I would not be trying very hard to give dad what he wants after years of abuse. He sounds like he will be unhappy no matter what, that's where he is at and probably always has been. I would focus on mom's wellbeing and her finally getting the peace she deserves in her final months and if visiting him threatens that I would not do it unless you think it will come up with court proceedings. I'm sorry you are in this position. Some of the decisions we have to make on their behalf are really difficult and there isn't always a right or wrong answer.

ghphotog

I understand, my father was very similarly verbally abusive to my mother but she continued to care for him and was his caregiver until he died, even though they were divorced.

However, It sounds as if a visit wouldn't be the best idea for either of them from what I've read but that is only my observation and no one knows the true dynamics of their relationship better than you. Follow that still small voice as it is usually right. I wish I had listened to my still small voice that told me not to do something or vice versa but I rarely did and most of the time I regretted it and paid dearly for years. Hard lessons.

Teachertee

Sounds like they're both in the safest places for their situations. I agree with what others said about letting your mom have peace and would be concerned about the hearing results if you did reunite them. Maybe she could send a card or you could take photos of them to show them individually? Or a video? Sorry you are in this position but also seems to have helped remove your mom from the verbal abuse she should not have to tolerate. It helps to remember that our parents are acting this way because of the dementia although it sadly seems like it may have been a bit more for your dad prior to dementia. Wishing peace, love and strength for everyone involved.

diancald

Thanks to everyone for the support. I’m so glad I found this place to vent.

I have to take comfort in the fact that they are both safe now. But I keep second guessing myself. My dad is so diminished due to meds and living in a facility where he doesn’t like the food. I hardly recognize him. He’s not even asking about my mom anymore.

On the flip side, mom is stronger, has gained weight and is now asking about him. Still doesn’t want to see him, just wants to know if he ever asks about her! Now she’s the one who is looking at their situation like it’s a romantic breakup!

Their relationship throughout life, pre-dementia, was just like this. Fight, make up, fight. Not a healthy or mature relationship in my experience, as it was always him promising not to verbally abuse or hurt her resulting in her taking him back until the next incident. With dementia these fights become worse and physical at times. I don’t think he would lash out at her now due to his medicated state. However, putting them back together won’t work because she doesn’t need memory care and he wouldn’t qualify for assisted living. Living independently would only work with 24 hour care because neither can or will take meds properly or eat properly. They can’t afford a live in caregiver.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I’ve done the best I can and that they’re safe. It’s hard, though. I cry a lot.

Quilting brings calm

You have done the best you could. Your Mom doesn’t need the stress of being around him. She deserves some peace at this age. In addition, she might get upset when she sees him and beg to get back with him somehow/ since she’s always taken him back before. My parents are similarly challenged in their relationship. and I would love to be able to put them in separate facilities. They can’t afford that - both need the same level of care - assisted living. In addition, mom is so co-dependent that she won’t hardly leave my step-dads side. If he leaves for an errand, she sits in the lobby watching for him to come back rather than enjoy her day. So separating them would cause her additional stress. They’ve been married 59 dysfunctional years and I’ve just learned to do what I can do for them and not feel guilt about what I can’t.