Mother refusing to go to respite care

MP8

Moving my mother into my house was, in retrospect, a terrible decision. Now she won't leave.

We've crafted a story that my daughter, who lives across the country, needs my help and I need to go, so she is going to a "hotel" while I am gone. My mother thinks she can stay by herself in my house. I explained that I can't leave her here and if she doesn't go, I can't help my daughter, to which she replied that my daughter doesn't need help and if I don't want to go, that's fine, but she is not leaving the house.

Not sure what to do.

The reason she gave today is that she is afraid of losing more things - if the house is empty, it's likely that her things will be stolen. (This is a long-term issue. Not only does she misplace things but she's a hoarder.)

I tried to be empathetic (I understand you're worried about your things. They will still be here. You can take the most important things with you.) and positive (It's a nice place. You liked the man who came to meet you - he was the nursing coordinator.) and played the grandchild card (She really needs my help) and build her up (I really need your help, this would mean so much to me, etc.)

Nothing worked. She just started screaming "no, no, no, I stay here." This is the woman who hit me with her cane because she didn't want to go to the senior center. Medication calmed a lot of that down.

We were supposed to go to see the respite apartment in assisted living on Thursday, but now I'm wondering if that's a bad idea. I just don't know how I am physically going to get her there, either to see the apartment or to actually go for respite.

She does not know that our plan is to move her from the respite care into her own apartment in assisted living after one month. Once she's out, I can't let her back in because I will never get her out.

Any ideas on how to handle this? I just can't physically and psychologically have her in my house any more. Not to mention safety for her. But I don't know how I am going to get her out.

She's around Stage 4, still physically very able but has anasognosia.

loveskitties

You mention that you are trying to get her into Assisted Living. It sounds as if she might possibly be better cared for in Memory Care. If in assisted living, even on respite care she could elope in an effort to get home. They are not set up to keep a resident who tries to leave.

Contact her doctor and relay the issue. Perhaps some mild medication could be given to manage a transfer to the new location.

terei

My first thought was to give her a med to calm her down + take her over there. Don’t tell her anything except possibly that you are going to lunch.

She does not have the capability to empathize with your problems or to accept ‘explanations’ of why or where she is going. Just do it + deal with the fallout(if any) later. The facilities know how to handle people who arent happy to be there. Remember you are doing something FOR her, not TO her.

MP8

Thank you for the replies!

Loveskittles, the facility actually sent the nurse manager for their memory care unit to assess her and assisted living was the recommendation, at least preliminarily. It's seems that it's the thought of change that creates a panic and everything spirals out of control. I was talking to my brother and he reminded me that this is her pattern: Lots of emotional angst, screamed pronouncements of not doing whatever it is, etc., then once whatever it is happens (moving, not driving, etc.), lots of complaining but the behavior that's really difficult to deal with stops. So I am crossing my fingers that, if I can physically get her to the facility, things will be okay. The backup is the locked memory care unit located one floor away - let's hope there's space, if it comes to that.

Terei, yes, that's a good suggestion. I've sent a message to her doctor to see if she can be given medication, at least short-term, that will take the edge off of her anxiety/panic.

BTW, in a previous post I made, several people mentioned calling the Alzheimer's number. The social worker was very helpful. We are going to have my daughter leverage her relationship with my mom and try to calm her down and get her into the facility, and I'll talk to the staff at the facility to have them meet us at the door so that she is distracted and more likely to walk in without a fuss.

Last night, she was yelling about her things being gone if she isn't home; I think I'll tell her we can pack everything and take it over, although we'll only actually take the things she uses the most (e.g., specific books, not the actual thousands she has).

ButterflyWings

MP8 - you got some great advice here, and your ideas sound wise. Especially your plan to agree with her. Why not? One of the MANY gems I learned here is, the correct response is the one that gives the most comfort and calm in the moment.

My vocabulary with my DH, especially when trying to survive those challenging Stage 4 stand-offs, became very simple: "Yes", "of course", "definitely", "uh huh", "whatever you think", "that's a great idea", "I agree" said with a straight face and a pleasant smile. (Then divert, distract, and then do what is needed without discussion or "permission" which dementia cannot handle). Rinse and repeat.