Should I stay away from her

livlea

Mother is showing signs of dementia , has not been diagnosed yet , she would refuse .

• 8 months ago she started accusing me of stealing from her bank account ( I had POA and was paying her bills ) she did not understand the statements and believe her withdrawals where done by me, my sister and I explained to her it was not possible , and yet she persisted , to the point where she removed me as POA ,closed the bank account ,changed her will to name my sister and on and on. Keep saying she has proof when there is no proof
• I believe it would be better if I stayed away from her, not to trigger anger in her. I am confortable with that.
• I dont think she will come back to trusting me even though I was her trophy child

Emily 123

I'm sorry. It's not easy.

It might be better to stay away for a bit and see if she forgets that she's angry at you. If money, POA, bills, etc are triggers that bring her back to thinking that you stole from her, then those conversational topics or visual cues need to be avoided, even if you aren't around. If your family can divert her attention/the conversation when she starts to go down those pathways it might help. She's always going to think that she's correct, and so discussions about the situation or trying to reason with her will refocus her anger back on you--best for everyone to avoid the subject and see if she'll forget after a bit, and then test the waters.

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BassetHoundAnn

I think your mother's paranoia that you're stealing from her will pass as her dementia progresses. This is a common stage of Alzheimer's/dementia that many people go through, accusing friends and loved ones of stealing. But it may take a while for it to pass. Possibly even a year or two.

About five years ago my mom was absolutely obsessed with the idea that her best friend was sneaking into her house at night and stealing things like mops and brooms and electrical cords. It was completely bizarre and nothing could convince her otherwise. Then she began of accusing relatives of similarly stealing things. It eventually passed and she forgot all about it, and her best friend was her friend again. But it took perhaps a year or two. A long time.

I think you should do what you feel is most comfortable. Instruct your sisters to tell her that they are the ones handling the bills if that will put her at ease. Stay away if you think it is best. Nothing you say or do will dispel the paranoia.

The strange thing with my mom is that she completely trusted me and her neighbor to help her with money, but she became focused on certain other people, accusing them of theft. She would rage about it whenever I spoke with her. That's how the mind deteriorates.

It's frustrating and heartbreaking for you. I can certainly sympathize. I felt so bad for my mom's BFF. After 30 years of their being girlfriends who saw each other almost daily and went everywhere together, my mom suddenly starts calling the police on her. My vote is to stay away from her if you think that is best--and if that is most healing for you. You need to think of your own mental health and peace of mind in all this.

harshedbuzz

Have you shared this new development with either her neurologist or a geri-psychiatrist? There are medications that might tamp down the anxiety and agitation that drives this sort of thinking.

Until you get a handle on this, if you're the trigger, for her quality of life, you need to lay low. Perhaps you can re-enter the mix eventually, but doing so before you will be accepted will not go well. I can appreciate that this means the burden is 100% on your sister to provide hands on care but perhaps you can still do the banking and such for her.

Is mom living alone? Is this still safe?

Is your sister a safe choice for the role of being your mom's agent? You might want to discuss guardianship with an elder law attorney if you feel mom wasn't competent to make the change to her legal papers or if you feel your sister isn't the right choice for this for any reason.

HB

livlea

All your reply’s are appreciated thank you !

Mother is 92 and living alone in a residence for the elderly ,she has a friend living in that same building, he helps her with groceries and errands, she is safe there.

We would like to figure out what stage she is at …She most probably has Anosognosia, cause she thinks she is fine and not crazy and would explode if we were to suggest a Dementia test. she is paranoid , manages her bills herself and refuses to have her mail sent elsewhere , she doesn’t want anything taken away from her , and afraid will we lock her up .

One of my sister’s is definitely a safe choice and a natural caregiver .

So we kind of have to wait ?

Meanwhile , she is pestering my sisters with my wanting to destroy her, and accusing them of being enabler’s , they don’t know what to reply to her anymore , I even suggested to be thrown under the bus but that was discarded ;)

when I did call her for Mother’s Day she said she loved me ! , and that she had to talk to herself louder , she tries to put us one against the other , but my sisters and I are very tight and intend to stay that way !

The most difficult is to know that she is tormented for no reason

ButterflyWings

I agree with Victoria2020 and the other feedback here. It is important to protect her, even (especially) from herself. And it sounds like there are lots of attempts at candid conversations and negotiations that are not realistic with a PWD, especially at the stage she seems to be exhibiting. It is great that you and your sisters are unified though. What a blessing. I'm sorry you are getting the bad guy treatment right now. So hurtful even though it is this darn disease.

One thing to consider is if mom can be checked for a urinary tract infection -UTI? This can cause abrupt behavior changes with no other symptoms. I learned about it here from Ed and when some sudden very adverse behavior popped up at our house, I checked that out just in case and sure enough DH was having his first UTI. He was like a different person until we got it treated and within a few days he was back to baseline, as if the extreme drama and really wacky delusions (false beliefs) and hallucinations (he saw things and people who were not there) had never happened. It is worth checking your mom for medical answers to these recent changes (like a UTI), while also connecting with a CELA to sort out the legal side. Good luck to you.

mommyandme (m&m)

Here’s a link that might help to stage your mom. https://www.dementiacarecentral.com/aboutdementia/facts/stages/