mixed emotions

joytoy

someone tell me how do you take your LO to a memory care facility without feeling so bad on the inside. I know in my heart this is the right thing for me. caregiver burnout is for real. i have it and i cant control it anymore. what makes it even worse is i know he would be ok at home if only one of his children would take the initiative and care for him. not going to happen so i just have to come to the realization he has idiots for children. that being said i have one week before i drop him off that is if i can get him to go. of course he is fighting me the whole way. not going to be a good day thats for sure.

Ed1937

Joy, I'm sorry. I don't think there is a way to place someone without feeling bad about it. One thing is certain. You are doing what has to be done. Having kids like that makes it worse than it has to be.

ghphotog

There's no way around the feeling. I've taken my mom and that has been hard enough. I know the struggle of trying to get family to help. They don't want anything to do with it.

Maybe try it for a month or two until you catch your breath. If it's going well then leave him there longer or permanently. Tell him it's just temporary. That may not make a difference but worth a try.

It will be my DW's turn at some point soon and that will be heartbreaking.

toolbeltexpert

Sorry on so many counts Joy. Don't tell him!, I brought dw in and told her we were going to visit a friend. We talked with staff had supper and I let the staff distract. Then it's whatever fib works best. The docs gotta clear you, you have a problem. With your blood platelets! Whatever. Not everybody visits and whatever works, or if they recommend not visiting, they said it was up to me. I haven't miss a day yet, but to be sure the toll it takes is on the caregiver not the pwd, in our minds we might think it's bad on them but it's worse on us. I am at 11 months plus so I am trying to get back into life, also not easy as guilt is always knocking at a restaurant or a favorite place anything I did with dw anything. Songs are gonna bring tears from nowhere, sorry this sounds so bad but I ain't gonna sugar coat this. It's hard so is keeping somebody home and safe. But also if you place or not your doing the best you can given your situation and your doing it out of love.

I pray for us all every day.

Stewart

Denise1847

Joy, I feel your fear and pain. I pray it goes well. I pray every day that God takes my DH before placement becomes necessary. I wish there was something I could say to help you.

CStrope

I'm pretty sure most or all of us will feel some level of guilt and pain when we have to place our LO. I agree, my husband could stay at home longer if I wasn't tackling this by myself while working full time from home. We have 2 grown children (unmarried), but I don't want them to change their lives to take care of their dad. They do come and help when they can, but it doesn't really ease my daily load. This disease has taken so much from all of us already I don't want it to take any more from them. I'm sure I will have to place DH before the end of the year, I just can't do it any more. I find myself getting upset with him for things I know he can't control, simply because I'm worn out, stressed out, and just tired of having to be so overly accommodating 24/7. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm only 60 and I'd like to go into this decade without severe health issues.

Joe C.

Joytoy, You are doing what you need to do but there is no way around the guilt. I will give you a heads up that when you return home alone after placement it will be more difficult for a while. I placed DW 19 months ago, and although she is very happy in MC, I’m still miss everyday.

Pinkscarf

Hello joytoy,

I will never forget that first day; it was during Covid and he had to be isolated for a week and he was all alone in that room. I had taken leave from work and I went every day and stayed until they kicked me out. Then I went home and cried tears of sadness and grief and relief and anger.

Feel the emotions you feel and go from there.

Vitruvius

I have yet to find relief from the guilt and loneliness, only a counterbalance in knowing that placement was the best for both of us. Our powers of reason never seem to quite overcome our emotions.

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Dio

There are no words to ease the pain. It will be there along with guilt, sadness, loneliness and a whole myriad of emotions. No matter what our logical brain says, the emotional side will win. Surrender to it and allow yourself to grief. It's part of necessary healing. If you have any friends or church folks who can help on the day of placement, you may consider asking for their assistance in the guise of taking him to lunch or checking out the place. It's never easy, but hope all goes well.

Grandma Sandy

I feel your struggle. This is the third day for DH to be at Memory Care facility. These comments are so spot on. Guilt, loneliness, fear and wondering, sadness, loss of normalcy, separation anxiety, worry, isolation . . . . all immediate feelings. I did not take him to the facility. He went there from the hospital. I have yet to visit him. I have talked to him by phone and of course he always says he wants to come home. That breaks my heart. I tell him I know he does, but the doctor needs him to stay there until he gets better. I keep asking myself, "DID I GIVE UP TOO SOON". I keep thinking to myself, maybe it will be better tomorrow, or the next day, or next week.