Verbal abuse and neglect from mom's husband

lear1000

My 75- year-old mother is suffering from dementia along with A-fib and a history of falling and losing her balance. She is living with her husband of 15 years who is an unsupportive, critical and cold man. Despite her mental deficiencies, she is ridiculed and neglected by him daily for forgetting things or not doing something correctly. I have heard him criticize her while I've been on the phone with her and when I've been in her house. He is always confrontational with me and anyone who questions his supposed authority or how he talks to my mom. It's awful how he treats her. I have confronted him about his attitude and behavior questioning him about how he treats his wife. He instantly gets mad and yells at me for questioning him. He also withholds medical information about my mom considering she has frequent doctor appointments. He refuses to tell me how any of the appointments have gone. Mom also fell in her house in April and he waited TWO DAYS to tell me BY EMAIL that she was in the hospital for surgery to repair her broken hip. He is clearly unqualified to care for her. I worked with the county social services agency at the hospital to investigate his behavior and lack of care and concern toward her. Adult Protective Services went to the house and asked him questions. They did not find enough evidence to continue investigating. But my mom is giving me hard facts about her home life that indicate she's being abused and neglected. She calls me while hiding in a bedroom and tells me her husband criticizes her for benign things. She tells me she wants to get out and live somewhere else but she can't figure out the steps to leave due to her dementia and her fear of ending up in an underwhelming mental facility.
I am thinking I need legal advice to figure out how to detach her legally from her marriage while preserving assets. I have a lot more details to share but I don't want to keep going on and on here. Her husband lacks skills and interest in caring for my mom. Meanwhile, mom suffers in her latter years.
Thank you for any advice.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Wish I had some specific advice, but others will--there are several members with legal backgrounds who hopefully will chime in. I agree that you need to pursue this legally, and you may have to petition for guardianship, which is expensive but may be necessary. Does her husband have power of attorney for her now? that is going to be important to know.

Teachertee

lear 1000,

I'm so sorry to hear this. So glad she has you to encourage her, trying to check in on her. Does her husband have POA? It's also good that you pursued the check in from social services. As a teacher, I have learned when there's suspected abuse or neglect of a student, to continue reporting even if social services opts not to follow through with an investigation. Documenting incidents and suspicions with the agency creates a paper trail and when they see you've contacted them more than once, it may make it more likely for them to look into things. Maybe keep a document or journal of your own indicating each incident (ie. phone call where mom said she was hiding due to being afraid of husband, dates of hospital stays, screenshots of emails to time stamp dates and times of husband notifying you about medical problems and hospital visits).

For my mom with Alzheimer's, it's difficult to know when her stories or relaying of information is accurate / misunderstood at times. She calls my father a dictator, says he curses at her (he never curses) and how mean he's being. But after being there with them multiple times a week and witnessing his love and kindness I see how my mom often embellishes and manipulates him, as she's very combative. *But...it sounds like you have witnessed his abusive words and attitude in person and over phone conversations.

Again, sorry this is happening. Wishing you the best as you determine how to step in. Hugs to you and your mom.

Tara

lear1000

Thank you both for the helpful feedback. I do not have power of attorney. Her husband has created a fortress around them as a couple and isolated them 2 hours away from any close family or friends. This is a reason he doesn't share medical information with my sister and me about her various doctor visits and test results. Trust me- there is nothing else to this story. My sister and I have done nothing to deserve the treatment we're getting from him. We love our mother immensely. We just want her cared for as she did for us growing up.

I have two lawyer friends who have offered basic advice. They have said that it would be an expensive and lengthy process to wrest control from him and get mom into another home where she'd be better cared for. But I'm willing to head that direction at this point.

Teachertree- as for a record of phone calls and emails, I do have that. I have a large Excel file documenting all communications going back a year. What I regret not doing is recording phone calls where her husband can be heard scolding mom in the background or recordings of him berating me in their house for confronting him about his horrible behavior.