What to say when Mom says she wants to die, also what about my own status?

TrumpetSwan

I saw my mom and dad today who live independently in their home of 20 years. I live one hour away and stop by on occasion to drop off groceries. Mom has AD for the last five years, and dad is doing alright, but has COPD and struggles occasionally with breathing and needs medications altered as it progresses. Both parents are in their 80's, and I keep asking about assisted living for them, but their house is paid in full and they refuse to move - for now.

Mom said that dad's COPD has been very bad lately, and she does not know what to do. Dad is the one who manages their day to day life, and when he is ill, everything goes downhill. Mom started to cry and put her head in her hands and told me everything in their life is horrible, and she is confused and does not know what to do about it. She said she cannot do anything anymore, and wants to die. She has awareness of her condition, but does not exactly know what it is. I put my arm around her and told her I was sorry things were so bad right now. I told her I loved her and I was there for her. I asked what I could do. She said her biggest worry is my dad's health. She said his doctor changed his meds recently, and she thinks he needs to go back to the old one. I confirmed this with my dad.

So, with dad's approval I called his doctor's office to inquire about a change of meds. The nurse I spoke with was very aware of dad's condition. She agreed to ask the doctor about trying this, and would call my dad back the next day to follow up. While at my parent's house, I also noticed they had several burnt-out light bulbs which I replaced. I also cleaned out the refrigerator. All this in a one-hour visit, then I returned home. I was drained and depressed.

My questions are, one - what do you do when your parent tells you they want to die? What do you tell them, and how do manage your own emotions?

two - how do you maintain your own equilibrium among such dynamics?

three - how do you balance not becoming 'the fixer' for all that is wrong, but still engage as needed?

Thank you.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you have siblings, or are you dealing with this by yourself? It's not uncommon to have to deal with the decline of both parents simultaneously.

Bluntly put, you or someone is probably going to have be become the "fixer" pretty soon. It does not sound like a safe or happy situation for either of your parents, and what you are describing, including the physical disarray in their home, sounds like an indirect cry for help. Do you have power of attorney for them--financial and/or healthcare? Because someone probably needs to have both, and sooner rather than later---if something happens to your dad today or he ends up in the hospital or God forbid dies of his COPD, what is your backup plan for taking care of your mom? If you don't already have it, you should talk to a certified elder law attorney (CELA) about how to proceed here. A CELA can also help you assess their financial situation and advise about applying for Medicaid if needed to fund long-term care if their own assets run out.

Few people make the transition to assisted living willingly, but it sounds to me like you are on the right track there. I would work on researching facilities and getting them moved sooner rather than later, and worry about cleaning up and selling their home after the fact if you can. It will be both physically and emotionally easier to wait until they are out of it to do so. And you may be surprised, your mother may perk up if she has more help and more people to socialize with, and knows that your dad does too.

I wish you well; none of this is easy. It will take a toll on you, personally, but I don't see a way around it. You can find support for your own needs here, or in online or real-life support groups, and/or personal counselling. Different ones of us have used any and all of those at one time or another. There are a lot of wise and caring people on this forum.

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TrumpetSwan

Thank you, M1 and Victoria. I have one sibling who lives nearby, but does not give her time to addressing the needs of our parents. Ironically, she used to own a Home Care franchise where she placed caregivers with people similar to our parents. She is mostly critical of me, and never helps directly but will reach out to our parent's friends and neighbors to check on things and report back to her. I found it sort of unseemly, and backed away from this sibling a few years ago. I feel like I am alone with finding solutions.

Thank you for your information and advice.

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Quilting brings calm

Unfortunately your parents are not living independently. They are depending on you to change light bulbs, clean out the refrigerator, call the doctor, drop off groceries, calm mom down, etc. Your mom’s reactions are telling you that she feels agitated and confused in her current situation. Symptoms that will only get worse Especially since your Dad’s condition will also get worse. He’s not going to be able to care for her before long.

This is basically the stage where my parent’s situation became apparent to me- except I was 12 hours away and therefore not really realizing it. Mom was the one with the cognitive issue. Step-dad was the one with the physical ailments including COPD. Mom was the one who handled all the finances. A medical crisis for mom showed myself and my sister that they weren’t capable of living independently. Did they agree- not one bit. However we convinced them to move to my state, and I got them into assisted living. Luckily neither of them were capable of researching apartments or homes to rent. Were they happy? No, but they were safe. Their doctor told me that was the most important thing.

There will be a time when you will be told one or both cannot live in their home and you may not get much warning. I certainly didn’t.

Please start researching places for them closer to you where they will be safe if you are unable to care for them for weeks at a time. I say this because I injured myself a while back and it was several weeks before I was able to even visit them. I knew they were safe in their assisted living facility.