DW Diagnosed with ALZ last 6 months.

sailor1944

My DW was diagnosed with ALZ 3 years ago with mild memory loss. Her memory loss has progressed rapidly over the last 6 months. Just recently she forgot who I am, thinks I might be her BIL. She has not been driving for 6-8 months, but recently wanted me to teach her how to drive her car. I told her no and that has not gone well. DW has lost interest in reading, most other activities and wants to be with me constantly. Suggestions on how to deal with driving issue?

M1

Welcome to the forum sailor, though I'm sorry you have a need to be here-its a supportive place. Its good that she's out of the habit of driving, part of me hopes that maybe she'll give up on it soon, and maybe you could just use deferring tactics-we'll do it soon, tomorrow, when it's cooler, etc. But i know from personal experience that this is an intense issue. You may need to disable the car somehow or even move it or sell it-out of sight may be out of mind. Or deliberately let her insurance or license lapse. Many states have ways you can anonymously report an impaired driver to the DMV. Another tactic is to tell her it's doctors orders and blame the doctor, and some folks really do take it seriously when they hear it from their doc.

I feel for you with her wanting to shadow you all the time, that happened to us too and is still an intense emotional issue even though my partner is now in memory care. I think we spouses become our loved ones emotional and cognitive scaffolding, and they know at some level that they need us to continue to function. My partner tells me all the time that she just wants to be with me. The love and the need for reassurance are both intense, even though she doesn't know my name any more.

Denise1847

Hi Sailor,

Welcome and very sorry you have had to seek us out. I am a bit shocked at how quickly your DW has progressed. I am not a medical professional; however, I have not heard of dementia/alz progressing so quickly. Please request the doctor to order an MRI, spinal tap (if needed) and to check for other possible causes. Has she had a head injury, which could have caused the quick downward spiral.

I reported my husband's issues to our motor vehicles site but they did nothing about it. He had an eye injury which caused blindness in that eye so he gave up the driving issue. Thank God.

nannyritch

I’m new to group but wanted to say my DH was diagnosed 4 years ago but I got him to stop working at 61( saw it was affecting his job) Almost 8 years ago. I’m trying to get him to stop driving too. It’s so hard. I track him and he stays within 10 miles of house but it’s so hard. He tells me to just let him die if I suggest no driving. I know it’s feeling sorry for myself but really wish I had someone to vent to. No one understands around here what it’s like. He is no longer the man I married but love him anyway. He still knows almost everyone but can’t do much. So he’s bored. Will not leave house or my side. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

Vitruvius

I have to note that although most PWD who are the subject of posts on this site have a fairly slow progression of their dementia, there are some like my DW whose path through dementia seems different and much faster than others I read about here. My DW has the Semantic Variant of Primary Progressive Aphasia, aka Semantic Dementia (SD). She is now only 71. As the name suggests it profoundly affects her communication abilities. It has not exactly followed the stages given for Alzheimer's, but it's close, particularly in the later stages. 

Early 2019, just four years ago DW seemed pretty normal. She was beginning to act a little quirky, and I chalked it up to her recent retirement. Neither of us had anyone with dementia in the family so I honestly didn't see her behavior as troubling. She was very fit and athletic and we walked or hiked daily.

Fast forward just four years and my DW is now in early stage 7 and on hospice. She can no longer walk more than a short distance and then only with two people helping her. She cannot feed herself. She sleeps much more. She can not communicate in any meaningful way. 

The point is that your DW's journey will show many characteristics common to PWD, but her path is likely to be unique in subtle ways. It's your job now to suss out her peculiar ways and how to best manage them. 

As for driving, I didn't have this problem as my DW gave up driving early when I offered to take her anywhere she wanted to go. Since she wanted to be with be all the time anyway this seemed to work. This happened before she began to misidentify me as say one of my nonexistent brothers. 

Otherwise deflect, defer, redirect is all I can offer.

sailor1944

I appreciate all the comments and input. Today we went grocery shopping and she wondered why I always drive her car. I told her it was because I have an SUV gas guzzler so hers is much cheaper. Since she thInks I am her BIL, she said she doesn't want me driving her car anymore to which I agreed. Maybe, it’s time to sell her car as some have suggested.

Iris L.

Regarding boredom, read about failure-free activities for PWDs. They have to do activities on their level. Some have low initiation, so you will have to start them off on an activity.

Iris

sailor1944

My DW continues to think I am her BIL. She confronts me asking where her husband is, asking me to call him to call her. She says she just wants to know why he left and isn't coming home. Even showing her pictures with me and my brothers she doesn't acknowledge that it is me in the picture. She then gets mad and goes into silent mode.

Any suggestions to help with this situation?

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65446/dw-diagnosed-with-alz-last-6-months

I told my husband that the doctor said he can't drive anymore and if he did and was in an accident even if it wasn't his fault we could be sued and lose everything. (which is true the Neuro Psychologist did say that). Once their medical record lists cognitive issues, they should no longer drive. He's still not happy but he complied. I hid the spare set of keys and keep mine hidden. I'm afraid my DH is declining faster now. He's forgetting names of children & grandchildren and is having difficulty getting his meds together. He can't count them. He doesn't recognize certain foods and can't find the word for them. He has developed an aversion to food. When he eats breakfast he shakes his head left to right as if saying "no" to himself about eating. He was diagnosed 2 years ago but looking back has had symptoms for about 5 years. It's terrifying.

vjw

Diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Giving up his license was a nightmare. The neurologist submitted a medical valuation to DMV. I completed the medical form stating why my husband shouldn't be driving. My husband put me through hell and fought it every step of the way. He was allowed 3 attempts to pass the written & driving.

He failed the written on his first attempt.

2nd attempt, passed. I panicked. While waiting for the driving examiner to come out, I made my way inside and spoke to the the examiner's explaining my concerns. At any rate he failed the driving portion.

With still one more chance, I spoke with our local DMV and the DMV safety officer and explained that his neurologist submitted a medial valuation, I submitted a valuation and I was trying to get him OFF the road, not back on. For the safety of himself and others on the road, if he got his license renewed, I would hold DMV personally responsible if anything happened. It was insane to allow someone with dementia the opportunity to get his license back Thank God he failed the 3rd and final attempt

For months I had to listen to his versions as to why he failed , of course it was not only DMV's fault, it was mine too

The good news, we eventually sold his cars and though once in a while he will still bring up the fact he can't drive anymore, and I just change the subject

Many years ago, I helped take care of my mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's while my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer. After dad passed mom wanted to drive We told her dad said absolutely NO to the driving and we weren't about to disobey him. Oh, she was so angry with dad. Luckily it worked

M1

Sailor, my partner still knows me as her partner but doesn't know my name, and doesn't recognize anyone in pictures any more including me. There are others on the forum in the same boat, that their spouses think they are someone else, and this becomes a big issue particularly at bedtime if they are still sleeping in the same bed. Hopefully some of them will chime in on strategies, it would seem to me it might be best to just play along. Does it work to tell her that her husband will be back soon? I know others have even changed clothes or left the house to come back and be recognized temporarily. No permanent solution though.

Denise1847

Hi Sailor,

Thank God it worked out. I remember going through the worry of my DH driving. God stepped in and my DH had a detached retina. My DH was not compliant with keeping his head down during recovery (put me through hell) so he had 2 more unsuccessful surgeries. He still mourns the loss of his ability to drive, having no idea that he contributed to the loss of his sight in the one eye. If he didn't have AD, his sight in his one eye would allow him to drive. Interestingly enough, before the detached retina, I reported the issue to our motor vehicles and they did nothing.

JoseyWales

Driving was a big issue here for a while. What worked for me when he said he wanted to drive were lies.

The car has been acting up and I want to drive to see if it does it again, and I need you to sit in the passenger's seat to listen for me.

Oh, I'm already sitting in the driver's seat, you can drive home (he'd forget of course).

If you don't mind, I'll drive because we need to get there quickly and it's a way I know (He knew he would need directions no matter which way we went.)

We never revoked his driver's license. I'd always tell him, "Of course you can still drive, and you're a really good driver. You can drive home."

The lies worked better the further along he was. The real struggle was in the in-between stage when he no longer understood he shouldn't drive, but wasn't so easily put off by the lies.

easy23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/175766#Comment_175766

My DH thinks I'm different people. Sometimes I'm his mother. I just go along with him. He recognizes my voice on the phone so I go out and call him. I tell him I'm coming home soon. I call out "hello" when I walk in the door so he hears my voice before he sees me. Then he knows who I am. This works 75% of the time.

sailor1944

Thanks for the many responses. Still battling the car issue. I tried to blame it on her adult children, but she says they’re just kids, what do they know. Also battling DW emotional response to her “ husband” leaving her. She spent 2-3 hours sobbing yesterday because she can’t understand why he left her.