Fixation

smu1974

My mom is fixed on going home. She has progressive dementia. She constantly calls my sister and me wanting to know when she can get out AL. I realize that is not uncommon. We continue to lie knowing that she is not going home. She is in great physical shape but her short term is completely gone. She is not
capable of going home. Of course, she doesn't see that she has a problem and I understand that. She sometimes calls up to 20 times a day with the same speech. It's gotten to the point that I stop taking the calls. Distraction may work for a few minutes but then she's right back at. I think she forgets that she'd called. My sister and I don't want to go visit her because we have to listen to the same thing over and over. My question is if she has such short term why does she always remember about going home?

harshedbuzz

@smu1974

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you have found this place.

The answer to this common question is nuanced.

In terms of memory, there are different kinds. In Alzheimer's information is LIFO, so it makes sense that she is going to forget more recent things like having just called or what she had for lunch. Longer held memories like her home or her children will be held longer. There's also the notion that information of an emotionally charged nature is held better than more neutral events; dad could recall his neurologist saying he couldn't drive until days before he died but wasn't sure who my husband of 35 years was.

When dad went to MC, we told him it was a rehab to get him stronger which allowed us to kick the can down the lane by telling him his doctor would decide when he was ready to return home and then pivot to a sweet snack we brought him. I get that visits can have a real Groundhog Day quality to them; sometimes it's best to come at a mealtime (maybe bring her a treat from home or fast-food lunch) or during an activity and help her engage.

If phone calls are a problem, you have options. You could disappear her phone. You could get an inexpensive burner phone with a personalized message for her when it goes to voicemail.

HB

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smu1974

Thank you for your helpful feedback

ghphotog

Wanting to go home is very very common and it might not mean getting out of AL per say but going back to a safe, secure place they remember as a child.

My DW has ALZ and has been crying to go home for a year or two now. That part has been relentless. It's funny, if she establishes a memory or event on her own, whether it's true or not and most of the time it's not, she will remember that for a long time but if I tell her something she will forget within seconds. She knows where to look for the horses when we drive by or the friendly, smiling people in salon window, aka giant posters in the window, she will know where they are and wave to them every time we go buy but doesn't remember our own home, our marriage, that we just ate and she wants to eat again, etc. Funny how that works.

My mother has been in MC for about a month now and is still planning her escape. I try to pick her up and take her out to lunch or to our home so she can spend time with her beloved little dog but it's a nightmare when I have to take her back but I don't have the heart to just leave her there for more than a few days at a time.

KahluaTCat

We just moved my mom (has ALZ) into AL and she, wants to go home. We tell her we are working on the house (painting, changing carpets, etc., which is true), and that she can't go home yet, although we don't plan on taking her back. She won't do any activities at AL and says she's lonely. I visit her almost every night because she is so happy when I come. One, I can't keep this up, and two, am I making the situation worse by being there all the time? She's only been there a month or so. She likes the facility and I keep hoping she will get used to it and want to stay because now she is close to my house. I don't know how to handle this? I also want to bring her to my house occasionally, but am afraid I won't be able to get he back into AL. Any suggetsions?

terei

I would not bring her home until she has stopped insisting on ‘going home’. I think you would regret it. You dont say how long she has been there, but it would not be unusual to take up to 6 months to acclimate to her new situation. I would try to get the staff to be more proactive about getting her to activities if that is possible.

VKB

SMU,

My mother had severe dementia. Our caring caregiver that was hired with my parent's money, often heard my mom say she wanted to go home. She'd put her coat on, gave her a handbag and walked her outside. When they came back it, she'd say, "We're home!"

I think dementia patients remember home since it is a memory from early childhood. It may bring them feelings and memories of a good place, a happy place, a soft place, a secure place.

I know it is hard to visit her, but that's the only way you will know she's ok and well. You don't have to stay a long time. Yet, you both are her only advocates there. I wrote our experience below as an example of why it is so important.

My husband's mother was in a nursing home and contracted pneumonia although the nurses and doctors did not pick it up. We hired a lady to visit with her a few times a week, and I know she would have called us to let us know, but when we came to visit Irene, we immediately knew something was awfully wrong. Bill and I took her to the ER (against the desires of the NH). It was already too late. She passed from pneumonia soon after.

I prayed for your mom, sister and you. May God bless all of you!

You will never regret the sacrifices you make for your mother.