Recent Memory Care Placement

Grandma Sandy

If you have recently placed your LO in Memory Care, how have you coped with the transition? How has your LO coped with the transition?

ghphotog

Both my DW and mother have dementia, my wife is far more advanced for her young age but I just placed my mother in MC about a month ago and it hasn't gone well. She feels I betrayed her and thinks I'm a horrible son for doing that to her but there was no choice.

Anyway it's hard for me and keeps me awake at night but I have to remind myself it was the right thing to do. I try to turn that guilt switch off or at least down a little. It always gnaws at me regardless. My DW will be next at some point but she is still manageable so the decision day to day until she becomes too unmanageable every day then I will think seriously about her going to MC as well. Somedays are very bad but lately they have been a bit better so I hold off.

Ed1937

Hi Sandy. Your brain will find negative things much easier than positive things, so guilt is typically a problem. You literally have to force your brain to find the pros about placement. If you can't/don't do that, it will find reasons why he shouldn't have been placed. GUILT!! It is common for it to be harder for the caregiver than it is for the afflicted.

Having said that, we really can't know how they will react when being placed. Some people adjust right away, while others take a very long time. These are the extremes, and most people adjust after a period of a few weeks/months.

Joe C.

I placed my wife 19 months ago and the transition went far better than I ever expected. At the time of placement she did not recognize our house as her home or me as her husband. DW has never once asked about home but did ask where I had been when I would visit but a simple excuse like “working a lot” would be a satisfactory answer for her. I think thing that helped the transition were her being mid stage 6 in the progression at the time of placement, having many more people around since DW was very social and all the activities at the MC which I could not provide at home. She has been generally happy and content living in MC.

The transition was probably much more difficult adjustment for me. Initially I really did not want to be home alone, the house felt so empty and I was quite lonely. After 4+ years of being a 24/7 caregiver my world suddenly changed and it took some time to adjust to a new normal.

annewilder

Thank you, Joe , this is very helpful to me.

Grandma Sandy

ghphotog and Ed1937 . . . . guilt is exactly what I feel. Keeping me awake at night, yes. And yes, the sudden change in lifestyle. He mentions home some of the time, but I am not exactly sure what he calls home. Before placement, one day, while at home, he turned to me and said "let's go home". And of course, I told him we were home. Yesterday I walked him outside of the MC unit, in the halls of the Assisted Living, to get a haircut. We walked down some halls and made some turns. I am sure it must have made him uncomfortable because he wouldn't stay for the haircut and said he wanted to go back to his room. The facility is nice, but I do wish they had more activities and individuals he could align with.

PatK108

For whomever this can help, I found a philosophy a long time ago that helps me sleep at night. My DW is MCI and still at home, so I can't pretend to know how hard it is for any of you who had to put a LO in care. But while I was on active duty, I learned to set troubling things down at night because you absolutely need rest.

This is the philosophy: when it is time to go to sleep, you need to tell yourself and believe that you have done everything you can that day, and that there is nothing else to do for the night. You have to tell yourself it is okay to put those things aside because you've taken care of as much as you can. You must make yourself believe that tomorrow, you will continue with whatever needs your attention. Knowing things are at the point where you can do no more for that day allows you to feel a little more relaxed. You must understand that it is okay to think about yourself. It is okay to say that your LO is safe and being cared for. Then start your sleep by making a pleasurable scenario in your head. Something like walking on the beach back when your LO was doing well.

Get your rest so that tomorrow, you will be prepared for whatever you need to do. I hope you all find a way to do this.

SDianeL

I'm following this post because I'm afraid that decision will come sooner than later. Thanks for all the responses. This will be the most difficult decision I've ever made. My DH is mid stage and is declining much faster than the last couple of years. I need to start looking but can't bring myself to do so.

58Years

> @ghphotog said:
> Both my DW and mother have dementia, my wife is far more advanced for her young age but I just placed my mother in MC about a month ago and it hasn't gone well. She feels I betrayed her and thinks I'm a horrible son for doing that to her but there was no choice.
> Anyway it's hard for me and keeps me awake at night but I have to remind myself it was the right thing to do. I try to turn that guilt switch off or at least down a little. It always gnaws at me regardless. My DW will be next at some point but she is still manageable so the decision day to day until she becomes too unmanageable every day then I will think seriously about her going to MC as well. Somedays are very bad but lately they have been a bit better so I hold off.

Hang in there! I am going through the same thing with my wife of 58 years! How do we learn to 'care less' for them - while knowing we have made the right choice for both of us?

58Years

> @SDianeL said:
> I'm following this post because I'm afraid that decision will come sooner than later. Thanks for all the responses. This will be the most difficult decision I've ever made. My DH is mid stage and is declining much faster than the last couple of years. I need to start looking but can't bring myself to do so.

The best advice I can offer is - do not wait! Better to make preparations early than late... My wife transitioned to MC about 7 weeks ago after 4 years + of home caregiving. It is not easy, but it is necessary - for each of you!

Denise1847

As I read all of your posts, my stomach tightens and I become nauseous. I have visited facilities and have selected one when and if I need it. My husband was a foster child and has been forever scared by his childhood experience of abandonment. I absolutely dread the thought of MC. He has heart disease and I pray every night for either a healing of his Alz or that God takes him in his sleep.

I continue to be amazed at the bravery, sacrifice and pain of the people on this forum.

nannyritch

Can’t thank y’all enough for posts. It’s good to know I’m not the only one out there going thur this. I have a question. My DH wakes me up constantly during night just reaching out. It’s so hard to go back to sleep. Any suggestions?

Davegrant

Tomorrow, I have arranged to visit my first memory care facility, My stomach also tightens and fear spreads though my body. I don't think that we are at placement yet but this is planning for the future. I can almost predict that placement will not be as bad as I will imagine it to be between now and that time. For the last six years I have been following these sites and following the suggestions of others who have gone before me, and things have worked out even as I have not understood the direction.

M1

Let us know how it goes Dave. Big step for you, after all this time......

58Years

> @"Joe C." said:
> I placed my wife 19 months ago and the transition went far better than I ever expected. At the time of placement she did not recognize our house as her home or me as her husband. >> My wife has been @ MC for about 6-7 weeks. She still wants to 'go home'<<I think the thing that helped the transition were her being mid stage 6 in the progression at the time of placement, having many more people around since DW was very social and all the activities at the MC which I could not provide at home. She has been generally happy and content living in MC. >> My wife is also 'stage 6d', but seems 'better off' than many others in MC, which actually makes things a bit more difficult for her to accept those conditions around her...? <<
The transition was probably much more difficult adjustment for me. Initially I really did not want to be home alone, the house felt so empty and I was quite lonely. After 4+ years of being a 24/7 caregiver my world suddenly changed and it took some time to adjust to a new normal. >> Boy! You took the words right out of my mouth! The transition is STILL more difficult on me - I think? I find myself constantly wondering how she is being cared for - or IF she is being cared for...?? I see her from breakfast to lunch each morning - being assured she is getting some good care to begin her day and has good meals...Do you think it would be easier on her if I were at MC less often? How have others gotten over the hurt and loss of MC transitioning after 58 terrific years together?

Sueforshay

This is helpful to me to hear of your concerns. My husband of 40+ years was just placed in MC 2 months ago. I’ve been visiting quite often-daily in the beginning and now trying to go down to 4 days. I find it hard to not go- as I know if he’s having any anxiety I can pull him back to calm fairly quickly. I wonder how you are cope with trying to “move on” even when they’re still very much a part of your world. I feel guilty having fun outside his day. I know he can’t participate in any fashion close to normal-I guess my memory of who is was bubbles up and makes me doubt.

Paris20

My husband was diagnosed with AD in 2015. I cared for him at home until he had a paralyzing stroke last year. DH is the poster boy for anasognosia, the inability to understand his condition. At first, he was angry and confused at the nursing home because he saw no reason to be living in a different place. When I visit, he assumes we’re staying in a hotel together. As his decline continues, my DH has calmed down a bit but I’ve changed my visits of three hours daily to 2-3 times per week for 60-90 minutes. We’ve been married for almost 59 years and when I see what has happened to this once-vibrant, capable, and loving man who had a PhD in Finance and taught at a major university for decades, I want to cry. Part of my self-care is to recognize that DH no longer knows whether I’ve visited or not. He can no longer complete a sentence or converse. Over time it’s important to accept what is happening to your LO. We can’t save them but we can salvage our own health. Doing the best we can under horrific circumstances is all that’s possible.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/178675#Comment_178675

nannyritch: when my husband wakes me up, I just tell him to go back to sleep and I get up and do something until I get sleepy again. I also take a nighttime CBD gummy that helps. I hadn't slept in 3 yrs due to side effects from radiation. My son-in-law takes CBD oil but I didn't want the oil due to liver bile duct blockage. So I found the gummies and the first night my DH said I snored! The company is called FAB CBD. Very good products and great customer service. I have no financial interest in that company.

toolbeltexpert

So I want to comment but I also want to acknowledge all of the voices of the new members, welcome. I am hearing, but not hijack Grandma Sandys post.

@58Years yrs you asked if visiting less would be good. For who?

The pwd won't remember whether you have been there every day, we do!

And here is where guilt trys to tells is we are not doing enough. I have just posted about this cause I needed to visit less.

I had received the advice to not visit every day.

Like you, I was a 7 to 11 every day and maybe more. That was killing me though i had a hole in my chest every day when i left

I took a week off just recently. First time not being there for me,and I started coming back from guilt anxiety depression. We have to take care of us.

Am I following my own advice and that of others Not yet I need to though.!. Married 45yrs last month.

@Sueforshay your doing a great job, 4 days wow. But moving on is hard to do. I get the " having fun" part. I let go of that notion that I can't have fun My dw would want me to have fun, live life. It is too bad none of us live closer together. Maybe they should have a caregiver cruise!

Maybe not! Lol

@nannyritch good question I don't have any advice except you might want to start a new thread with your question as the topic you will get a lot more responses as it will reach a targeted audience. Just click the yellow + symbol tap new discussion

@PatK108 nice emoji. Solid advice for us caregivers.

@Grandma Sandy Let me say the caregivers do not cope near as well as the pwd. We remember, they do not or not for to long.

I don't remember any posts where the caregiver was coping well with being alone, the pwd has a new family. The caregiver deals with all the stuff still, taking care of business so to say. The stress of falls, med changes, thoughts about, is a behavior gonna get my lo kicked out. I mean the list just goes on.

But now because we have a team, the trick is letting go, something we are all gonna have to deal with to survive and ultimately face one day.

This is a great thread because it seems right now alot of you are facing that decision to place or not or are contemplating placing.

Either way is best,for each one has their own certain situations. No one shoe fits all.

@Joe C. I am ready for some more clams

Hi @Paris20 I am glad to see your post

My prayers are with you all.

Stewart

Look boss the plane!

Ernie123

I had to place my DW four years ago. Married 55 years. My lessons learned: don’t assume staying at home as caregiving demands grow is somehow better than placement. My DW is definitely happier in the quiet social environment of the MC unit. She responds more positively to the wonderful PSWs than she does to me. Before the move I was overwhelmed and stressed and she picked up on that vibe. No good.

Second lesson: the move was probably harder on me than her. My first weeks home alone were awful. I had to seek medical help to deal with the stress and grief. Four years on I am of course doing better, but am still very lonely and emotional especially when I remember what a wonderful life we shared. DW is now in very advanced stages, in a wheel chair, difficulty talking, does not recognize me sometimes. But she smiles and still enjoys the wonderful environment provided by the unit. She sits in the common area with a few other ladies, always music playing. They smile at each other and engage in simple activities prompted by the PSWs. So much better than alone in a house with a stressed caregiver.

Third lesson: this is a progressive disease. At some point, for most caregivers, the demands of care become impossible. It is better to move sooner than later to avoid a crisis placement. My DW now often requires two PSWs to dress, toilet and bathe her. I could not physically look after her if she were at home. In hindsight I realize I probably waited too long to place her. But at the time my brain was a snow globe. I was full of fear, anxiety, guilt and confusion. If you are wondering about the challenges of placement it is probably time.