New Here and hoping to connect

CorrieG

Hi Everyone,

My DH was diagnosed with vascular dementia just over a year ago and is 50. We moved to a new city and so I'm struggling to find support, especially since I tend to be an introvert.

My biggest difficulty so far is not taking things personally when he is sooo mean to me even when he's nice to everyone else! It's really embarrassing in public and I get tired of the side eye from people in the store, the gym, or wherever we happen to be. I used to catch him bragging to other people about me but now I catch him complaining. He has also started patting random people and approaching women to tell them how beautiful they are. He's always respectful but it makes me really nervous.

I know he feels that I am limiting him like a parent would: He only has access to a cash allowance since he gave a bunch of money to a scammer. I put a sensor on the door so I know when he leaves the house and I follow him outside. I wouldn't want to deal with me if I was him.

Anyway, happy to be here!

Ed1937

Hi Corrie. Welcome to the forum but sorry you need to be here. You have found a good place to get help and understanding. Wherever you are in this dementia journey, someone else has been there. They will more than be happy to share their experiences and give excellent advice. I hope you keep coming back to the forum because it will make things much easier for you and help you avoid mistakes. If you have not seen a certified elder law attorney, you need to do that as soon as possible. They can help protect assets, explain how Medicaid works in your state, and draw up legal papers that you will need.

Denise1847

Hi Corrie G,

Other suggestions would be to put a luggage tracker in his wallet, if he carries it. The tracker will help you locate him if he wanders. Read the "36 hour day" and look on You Tube for Tepa Snow.

I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this but you have come to the right place.

Drapper

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is a difficult situation when your DH behaves in this manner. My husband can be very difficult and mean towards me too. And at times he will be nice and “flirty”to others too. Sometimes I am able to let it roll off me, by telling myself it is the disease, not him and he doesn’t realize what he is doing anymore. Other times , I react and will act hurt and/or act mean back to him, which will only escalate the situation. You can’t argue, reason or correct with a person with dementia , so there is no use in trying. He also no longer has empathy.

I am starting to realize that gathering up the willpower and stamina to ignore the situation, and not react, is far easier and beneficial than bearing the consequences to reacting (hurt or angry) to the situation. It blows over much faster. For both of us.

Jeanne C.

Hi Corrie - I think you'll find some great support and advice on this forum. It's been a lifeline for me.

It is SOOO hard to not take things personally. I struggle with it. I often tell myself "he's not giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time." Sometimes it works. And sometimes I lose my cool. I wonder if we take the brunt of it because deep down they feel safe with us.

Anyway, keep coming back to the forum. The people here get it.

CorrieG

I do have a tracker in his wallet and I can track him with my phone. He got in trouble because he went into someone's yard and they were really upset at him so it's just easier to walk with him if I can.

It's a good point about them feeling safer with us deep down. I hope that I can continue to be that way for him. I do try and take a step back and don't fight back when he's mean. I think of it like Lord of the Rings where the ring is dementia, making everyone who has the ring become more and more crazy. It's just the being in public that throws me off.

Thank you for your kind words!

harshedbuzz

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but so glad you found this place.

You've already gotten some terrific advice here. One thing that struck me was your DH's age and how that will impact how others see him out in the community. Fifty is quite young for dementia behaviors, which means strangers may not extend him the grace they would an 80-something who seems confused or inappropriate.

A young Gen Z woman might not agree with you that DH is "respectful" in commenting on her looks. My dad got inappropriately flirty with servers in restaurants which was an ugly situation in that their livelihood was dependent on ignoring his inappropriate behavior. Generally, I would discretely ask for a male server's table to avoid this (it always annoyed dad not to get a "pretty young thing" and he would complain which sort of ruined the evening) if I couldn't, I'd excuse myself and go talk to the server. There are also cards you can hand out to explain the situation. Over time, we stopped taking him out socially leaving him to be inappropriate with medical staff at appointments only. The man flirted with the SLP who evaluated his swallowing not 7 hours before he died.

The other concern is being outside without supervision. You were fortunate his outing in the stranger's yard ended peacefully. At 50, he doesn't look like a confused old man and could make a homeowner who has a gun feel personally threatened.

HB

CorrieG

Harshedbuzz- Thanks so much for your advice and comments! The neighbors who had him in their yard hate my DH and the man who lives there glared and flipped my husband off for months. I apologized and explained his dementia and why he was in their yard but I guess they didn't believe me. It was pretty uncomfortable and it's the reason I feel he always needs to be accompanied.

I agree with you and worry every time we are in a restaurant that the server will be offended. So far, everyone has responded well and I legitimize his comments by saying, "yes, he's right, your hair is lovely!" The card is a really good idea.

His youth definitely works against him in this. I went to a dementia conference in town and it was interesting how many times folks only offered services for people 65 and older. We can't even go to the senior center yet. Also, I hired an at home support company to be with him while I am working for 4 hours a day. They are having trouble finding an employee for us because no one wants to deal with the fact my DH takes long walks and wants a companion more than someone to help in the shower.

Anyway, I appreciate the support! I read another post that talked about how the 'calvary isn't coming,' and it's so true! I think I have been subconsciously wanting someone to swoop in and fix things. Coming to this site and posting is how I'm finally acknowledging that I need to be proactive and settle in for the journey.

SDianeL

CorrieG - so sorry you are going through this so young. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago. He's 78. He is angry with me and yells at me and is flirty with other women. He's angry with me because I'm the caregiver and he resents that. He says I'm telling him what to do and talking "down" to him. I feel like his parent. They become child like. I second the book "The 36 Hour Day" it helped me get him to shower and helped me understand his anger. Some days I do OK and others I have a melt down and say things I didn't mean. The stress is unbelievable. The illness is terrifying. Go get the DPOA and legal papers done NOW if you haven't. He needs to be able to sign them. My husband can no longer sign his name. I rented us an apartment & sold our RV and bought a new car using the DPOA. I have been waiting to have the Neurologist put him on medication to calm him down. I don't want him to be a zombie. It's almost time. You can't reason with them. They lose their reasoning, logic and emotions except anger. If I cry he gets angry and doesn't show any empathy. The best thing is to keep a routine and keep things calm. We no longer go out to eat. It's too overwhelming for him. One thing this forum taught me is to plan next steps as the disease progresses because you don't know how long each stage will last.

CorrieG

Thanks so much for your input, SDianeL, It has been terrifying! All of the legal stuff is taken care of, thank god. I will have to read the book. I know what you mean about having a meltdown. I get so angry at myself when I respond to him angrily or try to reason with him. It never works.