MIL with Dementia. Son won't get proper care

lunahstardust

I signed on to help my BF when his mom was only showing very mild signs of dementia. She went to the ER for bowel bleeding...home for 3 days and back again. The second time she went back, her dementia kicked in to full gear. Ive never had a dementia patient but have had kids and ADHD and autism in my life. HIM not so much. Repeating himself as annoying and he doesn't understand that she may need hospice. He also doesn't understand that she needs a hospital bed, but he refuses any kind of care that keeps her safe and comfortable. She's at the end of her life and is very confused all day long. He doesn't see the parts that I see. He only sees what happens at night and he sleeps through most of it. He doesn't understand the exact nature of her decline. I don't know what to do because it's interfering now with our relationship. She isn't going to last much longer and he's in serious denial. The home health team wants her own hospice wants her to have a hospital bed and wants her to have more care than I can provide and he refuses. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I told him that she needs extra care that I can't give and he just got mad and said if you can't do it I'll just quit my job and come home. So now he's angry instead of open-minded. I need help

EMC5287

So sorry you are having so much stress. Best bet I think would be to have other folks tell him directly so it's not coming from you (or not just from you). Had similar family resistance when I told them but when we landed in the ER and the doctors ordered different levels of care it was a different story. You are not alone, hang in there lunahstardust.

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harshedbuzz

I'd step away. Run. If his behavior triggers an APS review because of a report from the hospital or medical team and he designates you as her "caregiver", there could be legal ramifications. Get out now. He's not worthy of you or her.

HB

solerdr

I applaud your willingness to help your BF's mother. I can also understand his denial of her declining health' however, that does not give him the right to abuse you and take advantage of you.

You have to decide what is best for YOU, not for your BF, not for your BF's mother as she is not your family. You are being taken advantage of and being guilted into helping. Perhaps you may need to consider that your BF is a narcissist and an emotional abuser.

We teach people how to treat us. You cannot help your BF's mother, and you cannot help your BF; you can only help YOU.

What do they say about the oxygen mask during the safety brief on an airline? "In the event that the oxygen masks deploy, place the mask on YOURSELF FIRST, and then others." Taking care of yourself if not selfish, so please do not think it as such. Besides who is going to take care of you when you go down because of exhaustion or stress as a result of your helping? Your BF? I think not.

I send you positive thoughts and energy.

terei

I can only repeat what others have said. It is your ‘BF’s responsibility to care for his mother…not YOURs. He is being abusive + is taking advantage of you. If you insist on staying in this situation, I would get APS involved . I am surprised that your health team has not brought them in to force giving her proper care.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m very concerned for your MIL. Dying can be very painful, does he want his mom to die in excruciating pain? Of course not but if you don’t have the benefit of hospice then she might. I suppose she could just die in the hospital after an emergency visit. Unfortunately I’ve been in the presence of three deaths. A pain free calm death is what we all want, believe me. Calling in for a hospice evaluation is not a death sentence (although a bleeding bowel might be). Many dementia patients survive longer than the 6 mo outlook. Hospice can come in and help so much with support for all of you on their visits. It’s just an evaluation, he doesn’t have to accept it, but it’ll certainly be an eye opener. If she’s accepted they (Medicare) will even pay for the hospital bed and so many other supplies, meds etc… If this is a man thing like not asking for directions, he needs to get over himself. Many regret throughout their life not getting hospice in sooner for their LO. Maybe you can insist he get her an evaluation, for your sake, cause if he wants you to stick by him through this you need to know his mom is getting the best care possible and at least she’s comfortable and not in pain. Being in pain also ramps up difficult dementia behaviors. He should feel lucky to have you. If he continues on this denial trip, I suggest you get out fast, sooner than later.

this is so heart wrenching, I’m so sorry for all of you and especially for your MIL.

jfkoc

How about telling him OK, your turn.

The bottom line that I think to be looked at is do you want to stay with this man.