How often to visit? Counseling Advice

NMom

My mom was recently moved from independent living to memory care when her ability to walk was affected by muscle weakness, and there was a general decline. She’s in a wheelchair now.

I was able to do this for her because I hold her POAs. My 4 siblings, all out of town, are fully supportive of this move. My dad asked me to make it happen.

There is a history of abuse by my dad. He’s not involved in her health care. I witnessed some disturbing incidents (verbal and physical) as he became frustrated with caring for her.

I was taking my dad for daily visits to see my mom. He clearly agitates her by grabbing and holding on to her shoulder etc. I can buffer that to a point. He also makes inappropriate comments about girlfriends and corrects her, etc.

When I visit my mom alone or with my husband, there is no agitation at all. The staff share that my mom is so happy and adjusting beautifully. My mom said to me one day-did you make these arrangements and when I said yes, she thanked me. She seeks reassurance when my dad is there that she needs to be there.

My dad decided that he’d visit her alone and really got verbally abusive with me about it when I said it would be best for my mom if that didn’t happen.

He’s threatened to take my mom out of there (he can’t) whispering that in her ear when I left them alone for a minute. He repeated that to several staff members at the independent living building where he lives.

Memory Care is following my instructions not to let my dad in without me. He tried anyway and was met by security and won’t be let back in without me present.

Instead of daily visits, after consulting with Memory Care, I’m looking at about 3 times a week. Of course this could change as my mom’s dementia progresses.

My dad will be with me on most visits.

What keeps me going is that my mom is happy and in a safe place and being treated kindly for the first time since she married my dad 67 years ago. She’s made friends there too.

My dad won’t go to counseling and refuses to engage in dining and activities. I order daily meals for him, take him grocery shopping and on other errands, and manage his finances and healthcare. Given all that I can’t walk away. Right now though I have my husband accompany me.

How often should I visit my mom?

Any other wisdom?

I’d like an online counseling resource as this has brought up a lot of trauma from the past. When I have to see my dad I’m on the verge of throwing up and my anxiety level goes sky high with my heart racing.

Thank you.

Emily 123

NMom-

Hello. Sounds like your mom is doing well in MC.

excellent resources here: https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64696/solutions-center/. Some local groups will do Zoom meetings. The help line # is 800.272.3900

Much of your stress is around managing dad, especiallly around mom. Why not enjoy your visits with mom, as often as you like, without dad?

Exposing her to him isn't meeting her needs (or yours, or those of your own family) and she lacks the capacity to handle his behaviors.

You tried with the three visits a week, but even that isn't viable given the situation. With a history of abuse, inability to rein in his own behavior, and requiring your presence to facilitate a calm environment for your mom, it seems like visits from him should be drastically reduced if not eliminated altogether, especially as your mother continues to settle in, and as handling him is causing you to have panic attacks.

It might be helpful for you to also reach out to your primary provider and discuss the stress you're under and see if they can prescribe something for you until things feel more manageable. I'd eliminate your interactions with your dad as much as you can, too. Things can feel like they're spinning out of control, especially after one thinks they've gotten a situation in hand and new problems crop up. The move to MC is so tough. You've done a great job with your mom.

Iris L.

Read "Adult Children of Alcoholics". It is a book that can give you insight into dysfunctional families of origin. This is an older book but very insightful.

Iris

Quilting brings calm

I suggest you visit your mom no more than twice a week, and only take your dad half the time. If he confuses to be difficult during visits, then only take him every other week. If he isn’t difficult, but his visits agitate your mom, reduce his visits.

I suggest you only visit your dad weekly on the days you take him to visit your mom unless there are additional needs in between. He needs to start socializing with the other residents and he won’t as long as you are visiting any more often.

my parents have been in assisted living for 3.5 years. I’ve reduced my visits the last 15 months to once a week unless there are doctor visits or additional needs. My parents have always had a dysfunctional marriage and they were stressing me out and more frequent visits weren’t helping them.

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. Wonder if you can find a counselor that does telehealth visits? Ask your PCP for a referral. Also based on your Dad's behavior has he been tested for memory issues? My husband has vascular dementia FTD & exhibits much of the behavior that you describe about your Dad. Argumentative, inappropriate comments, lack of empathy, lack of reasoning & logic. People say he's stubborn. Yes he was but this is different. Can you get a POA for him and talk to his PCP?

NMom

Thank you for sharing some very helpful wisdom.

Sadly my dad’s abusive and domineering behavior is not new. It goes back 67 years.

Now he’s tried to turn it toward me.

Also the rest of the family supports what I need to do for our mom. He feels boxed in and that’s when he really lashes out.

I do have his POAs and have been taking him to all his health related appointments, including to his primary, for years now. I’ll try that route.

Again thank you all.

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