Overwhelmed with DH boredom

justbreathe2

I am new to this group. My DH was diagnosed with MCI 2 months ago. His short term memory had been getting worse over the last 5 years. The first was losing track of directions, locations. The first change I saw in him slowly developed after retirement over 7 years ago. We always loved doing things together including travel and family celebrations, etc. He started to show obsessions with animals including our dog and cats. Overfeeding, sleeping with them and losing sleep caring for them in the night. This affected our marriage greatly. He is an engineer... hard worker, and mechanically inclined and can still fix, design, anything with the love of his tools. He is good with me driving him everywhere. He is also a musician and practices trumpet and recently bought him a piano player he wanted to take up after 30 years of not playing.

We have become closer again in the last year and his memories of us disappear. He such a kind man and wants to help only family and neighbors, but doesn't like leaving the house.

I am so concerned for him and myself with caring for him. It is a helpless disease and know I am alone in this journey. He has tested and the short term memory part he failed. The Psychologist's/Neurologist's have refused any more testing because they do not think it will show much change yet.

We have a large property and decided to have mowing services because of knee/hip injuries 3 years ago. He can still operate lawn mower and tools.  My dilemma is he wants to buy a mule/cart to drive and do things outside….pick up sticks, drive to end of property to garden, etc. He would not be driving on any roads or where I cannot see him. He loves being outdoors working and it does give me a break, but I am not in favor of this mule. I know he will quickly lose interest and besides space in garage.  I have tried distracting him but he brings it up everyday and discussed my concerns. Any suggestions how to handle this problem? He has given up so much in the past year and he cannot sit still. I feel so overwhelmed and guilty as he follows me around all day wanting to help. I am heartbroken and sad like all of you.

I am so grateful for this site as I can relate to some of you with LO diagnosed with MCI but worries me with the progression of others LO. Thank you.

Denise1847

Would a small tractor with a cart or a golf cart work? It would have to be really simple to operate. My husband cannot figure out how to use our tractor anymore. I am so sorry. This is such a terrible disease and we just have to find ways to salvage what our LO still has and make each day the best.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Your problems sound familiar--my partner is now in memory care, but we live on a 150-acre farm, and my partner was very adept with tools of all sorts. We have both a Kubota tractor and a Kawasaki mule. I allowed her to keep driving these as it was off-road, but we fought fierce battles over not driving the pickup truck. Overfeeding our animals was a continuous and related problem--she constantly wanted to go to town to buy additional food for the animals, even when we didn't need it. I'd find her downstairs (with no lights on) at 2 am thinking she needed to feed the cats when she'd already done it ten times over.

Couple of things come to mind. First, it is very common for PWD to be told they have MCI on initial diagnosis, when in fact the dementia is much more advanced than that. I don't know why this is a common practice, but it is: as if the providers want to "ease" you into the diagnosis, or that they don't want to be the messenger who gets shot? I'm not sure, but we see this all the time on these boards. So I guess I am validating your concerns that he may already be more than MCI. Your observations are much, much more important than the testing, in my opinion.

Regarding the mule: I wonder if you could find a used one somewhere, so that at least the expense to you would be less (I know the new ones are quite costly). Or perhaps a cart that he could tow behind the lawnmower? Depends on what kind of mower you have, but my John Deere has a trailer hitch for such a cart. That would cost a lot less. Maybe you could suggest that as a starting point compromise to see whether he really uses it or not (probably not, would be my guess). Another tactic would just be a delaying strategy--you're looking online for a used one, waiting to see if the prices go down in the fall, heard about one on Craig's list you want to see about--anything you can think of to push it forward.

One other thing that happened here--you mention that your DH is reluctant to leave the house. He may think he's capable of much more than he actually is--this happened here too. My partner never did realize that her abilities were shrinking, and with any project (indoor or outdoor) would constantly say, "Oh, we can do that" or "I can do that," when in fact her executive function declined so much that she really couldn't organize herself to do any project, even raking leaves or gardening, without my input. Towards the end before memory care, the only thing she could/would do was vacuum the house, over and over. Every day she would say, "I haven't vacuumed in weeks." It was harmless to let her do it, although quite sad to see.

Wish I had more positive suggestions, but I empathize a lot. I know how hard this is.

jfkoc

Big laugh here. I thought that meant a real mule and a cart. Sounded like fun but I was concerned about his care of the "mule".

Golf cart might be slower.

How about some raised garden beds??? Could he design and build them or at least put some kits together. How about a small Koi pond? Bird houses? Rock garden?

You might google motorized yard carts......

Iris L.

I too, breathed a sigh of relief. I am not in favor of new pets for PWDS.

PWDs become reluctant to leave their sanctuary aka the home, because they become confused in the real world with so many moving parts. Of course, his mind still tells him he can do everything he used to do. This is anosognosia. This combined with impaired executive functions, cause the PWD to have difficulties functioning. Also causes the PWD to be UNSAFE with motorized vehicles, power tools, sharp objects and firearms. All of which should be safely stored away or removed. Consider the personal circumstances and act accordingly.

PWDs need to do failure-free activities according to their abilities. For example, Ronald Reagan raked leaves every day. Every night the staff scattered those leaves around for him to rake the next day.

Iris

justbreathe2

Thank you all for your comments. M1 I appreciate knowing your partner had similar problems with pets.

My husband always had social anxiety and had to work at it when he was working, entertaining. After retirement his anxiety just got worse with new places, crowds, but mostly didn’t want to leave or trust anyone with our now 12 year dog and 3 cats. All 3 cats lived to 21 with the last passing this year. I won’t even mention the many vet visits, tests that were not necessary. So it was a blessing. Our dog may be a distraction someday as he doesn’t like it if we raise our voices.

I observe my DH daily and comfortable with the tools that he uses and teaches me. No guns are around. I am confident I will see when DH starts losing his skills. His driving and flying a plane with instructor was still good 3 months ago, but he and I decided because of liability not to take a chance. Very difficult and sad for him to do.

He has a Ferris lawnmower that has 2 steering handles with no trouble driving or backing into garage. He keeps everything in perfect condition and may sell it one day. That makes me happy because I cannot or want to operate it. So for now I will put him off awhile to see if he loses interest in a simple basic mule and continue his research.

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