Moving with LO

mrahope

After much thought, I have decided that we need to move about 200 miles away to where my son, DIL and granddaughter live. My DH has been cranky, not to say downright cantankerous about the whole thing. Today, for example, he told me we should have discussed this more (have been thinking of selling this house for 5 years). He also re-opened the boxes of books I'd already packed because he couldn't find THE BOOK (which he couldn't describe other than saying it was about half the size of a dictionary). He screamed at me about this so loudly I was truly afraid, even though it had been the caregiver who packed it. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to move and he still needs a "place here" and insists he will rent a one bedroom apartment, even though he would only want to be here one week a month. He seems not to understand (of course) that his ability to live alone (or even spend a night alone) is in the past. Both my niece (a home care nurse) and my son are worried that he might physically attack me on the drive to our new home, and so I've arranged it so my son can drive him from here to there. This despite him never having done anything physical to me before. So I ask you wise folks: has anyone made a move with their LO suffering mild/moderate dementia? If so, did he or she deteriorate? What did you do to keep him/her safe? How did you settle into the new place? We plan to move in about a month.

loveskitties

The "ideal" would have been to make the move without notice...an extended visit with son...but that ship has sailed.

Have you contacted his doctor to see if some mood leveling medication, even just to get you through the move, would be possible?

Given your DH's current mood and concerns about his acting out during the drive, it might be advisable to have a second person in the car with the driver to prevent DH from trying to escape while the car is in motion or even at a rest stop. An aggressive person is difficult for one person to handle...impossible if driving.

Wishing you all the best possible outcome.

Iris L.

Don't tell him he is never coming back to the house. In fact, you might consider leaving something behind to indicate that you will have to return. This is just a suggestion.

Iris

M1

I agree with Iris, I wouldn't tell him and just present him with a fait accompli. When you get there say you're staying for an extended visit, whatever it takes. He doesn't need to know, and telling him will just create anxiety. I do think maybe having him make the drive with someone else besides you--and an extra person in the care besides the driver-is a good idea.

mrahope

Unfortunately, he's just not far enough along to ignore all the packing, realtors, etc. coming and going. The suggestion to use medication might be a good one, as I have not tried that yet. I am thinking also that maybe my son needs a "wing man" for the drive.

I'm lucky to have support from both my son and DIL, maybe the two of them can go with him. It's such a hard place that he's in. He gets that we are moving, but just is so negative and crabby about every aspect of it.

jfkoc

The reason for moving might matter. If he thinks it is for his illness, then it might fall into the "you need a sitter" column. You might try helping with the granddaughter.

Before you make your final decision please research medical care and facilities where you are going and please do not count on much help from family despite their good intentions.

storycrafter

Medication gives quality of life, and makes all the difference for my dh. It takes time to titrate meds and is worth the time. Good luck....

mrahope

jfkoc, I actually have done what you said. I have stressed that the most meaningful part of my life lately is being with my granddaughter. It DOES help.

Pat6177

Mrahope, I don’t know if your circumstances allow for this but… Can you leave you current house as is, put off selling it for a month or two, have your DH stay at your son’s for a long weekend or a week while you set up the new place? Then move him into a home that is already set up, telling him it is a temporary home for your visits with granddaughter? For my DH, experiencing any level of upheaval is so upsetting and increases his confusion. Adjusting to the idea of the move is hard enough but living through the chaos is adding insult to injury.

A frequent poster on this site did something similar with her parents when she moved them from out of state to a location near her. She had her parents stay in a hotel for a weekend and set up their home for them and it worked out reasonably well. Hopefully she will see this thread and post her experience.

If I remember correctly, your DH is a psychiatrist. Will he willingly take a medication? Will you need to use a fiblet? Say it’s a statin or something non-psych related? Just wondering.

M1

mra I think Pat's suggestion is a good one, I had the same thought. Might be too late at this point, but perhaps you could put things on hold until he is relocated?

I do hope it proves to be a good move for you, regardless.

harshedbuzz

@mrahope

I think I am the poster @Pat6177 referenced.

I helped my mom move them. I managed all of the logistics of the move which was doable for me because I was 60-ish, not working with an adult son and husband who verges on sainthood given his patience with my parents' shenanigans. This freed mom up to devote herself to focus solely on dad's emotional well-being. Is your son, or anyone else, available to assist you in this way?

I feel like the key piece to moving a PWD is to recognize that they can't participate. Any proposed change will upset them, so it's best to protect them from decisions in which they no longer have a say.

We did the first move from MD to PA while dad was in rehab after a hospitalization. I found them a nice 55+ apartment, furnished it with things from their MD golf course house. During this time, we listed the MD house for sale; I oversaw the repairs needed, staged it and dealt with the bozo real estate agents. We moved dad into the apartment explaining that he needed to stay here temporarily for follow up with the doctors. Other posters have used termites, failed sewer lines, helping with the grands, and even bad weather to explain the temporary need to be away from their home.

My mom told dad she'd sold the house. She was still in that phase where she believed he deserved the respect of being informed. These were dark days, as he reacted badly, and I wasted a lot of time driving to their place to play referee. During one of these cage matches, I discovered that the SNF and local pharmacy botched the transfer of his medications-- the SNF's MD didn't send his Seroquel (antipsychotic) to be filled and the pharmacy refilled for a man with the same name/DOB which meant he wasn't getting the right dose of Prozac and was taking a lot of things he wasn't supposed to me on. If your DH is already irritable, I would get him in with a geripsych for medication management before the move-- it'll improve quality of life for you both.

Knowing the house was "gone" triggered a lot of ugliness. He hyper-focused on his "stuff" and accused me of stealing or giving away a lot of things. I was able to show him pictures of "his stuff" in storage which did help somewhat. When I sold their other house in FL, she had learned her lesson and said nothing. We sold that one turn-key and shipped a small PODS north.

Mom was unhappy with apartment living so I found them a house nearby. Mom has AMD so I looked for a place that was walkable and managed to find something a mere 1/4 mile from shopping, dining, the bank, etc that would serve her well in Stage 8. Dad was happier there and it's working well 5 years on with mom as a widow except that making connections is hard at 80+.

Good luck.

HB

mrahope

Thanks for all your comments. I wish I did not have to do this so quickly. Guess I'm just in for a really bumpy ride...it's already terrible. With the move happening so quickly, it's been really rough. I have allowed him to think that he can rent an apartment, which helps some. I feel SO incredibly stupid for even telling him PART of the truth as to why we are moving. I am so, so tired of hearing him complain about it. When will I learn that the truth will not set me free in this situation?

Maybe I was foolish to have done this so quickly, but several factors triggered it. First, DH became very ill with an infection and I had to take him to the ER. While doing so, I realized that I could barely get him up the stairs to our car to take him there. I almost called 911. My son came up and heard about all this and really begged me to consider it. Then I ended up finding what looks like the perfect home for us in the new city, available right away. Everything seemed to come together perfectly: realtor optimistic about selling our current home, son found/knows a psychiatrist in the new area with a background in dementia treatment, etc. If only I had realized how tough this would be.

Feeling like the only thing I HAVEN'T tried is medication, but that feels like a tough choice, too, given that we only have about 3.5 weeks left here. Is that enough time?

I just appreciate the ability to vent here...mad at myself for not being wiser about this.

ButterflyWings

mra - we don't know what we don't know. It sounds like you are doing a great job, under a bit of time pressure, and the new location does seem to be a good fit for your needs. Learning what your DH can and will/won't tolerate is going to be trial and error, no matter where you live in the future. So, don't beat yourself up.

Many here will tell you things got harder to change after waiting, not easier. Just breathe. And keep posting here. Please, please do not feel mad at yourself or that you are stupid. No you aren't - though dementia caregiving can make us feel all those emotions and more (several times a day!)

I learned in this forum, to slip a bit of liquid melatonin (otc) into my DH's juice or water for an almost immediate relaxing of his stress, anxiety, pacing, trying to elope or whatever. Cleared it with his Dr. first just to be sure. He said go for it, and truly it rescued us both many times. Did not make him sleep, nor sluggish, just more chill. Like all meds so far, I started low (3 mg) and inched up the dosage until it was right. He has a high tolerance or whatever, so smaller doses of most things are like he didn't even take it. 10 mg of melatonin worked for us. And the liquid is available at Whole Foods in a little dropper bottle that I used almost every day around sundowning time for a period that we went through. This was even with his seroquel, but thinking back I also had to use it sometimes when he it turned out he was in early stages of a UTI -- it helped temporarily (and almost immediately) until we could get the antibiotics started. I have also used melatonin to help him relax and listen to music endlessly on a road trip. Alert, awake, steady on his feet -- just more cooperative and chill.

Recently, DH has finally gotten comfortable leaving the house again with no resistance, after years of us being totally housebound. (Yay!) I also learned here, that the backseat passenger side is safer if driving alone with a PWD, especially one that has tried to exit a moving car before (yes, our life with AD has been a thriller). After a very long time of not being in a car at all, I walked him to the back seat/door and he didn't balk. That location has child locks and is far enough away from the driver to be safer if one is aggressive which he is not, but that might help you and your guys during this transition. There also is something you can buy to retrofit the seatbelt so he can't take it off. Good luck - you can do this!

mrahope

Just want to thank you for your post, Butterfly. I was feeling so down about it. I also appreciate the suggestion about melatonin. It may not be a heavy duty medicine, but any little calming helps. Down the road (once we're resettled) I am going to look into prescriptions for him for sure.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/176519#Comment_176519

Dad's geripsych would suggest you medicate proactively to help him make the adjustment to the move which is likely to be anxiety provoking rather than waiting for him to get "resettled". If he doesn't need it once you've moved, the doctor can wean him off or lower the dose. It's likely medicating proactively could result in a lower dosage with fewer side effects than risking things going sideways and needing a geripsych admission or high doses/stronger meds.

HB

CorrieG

when we moved, my DH definitely wasn’t far enough along to miss the packing and the Uhaul. I was so new to his diagnosis, it didn’t even occur to me to soften the truth or that a medication might help out. (I’ll remember the melatonin tip!)

The trip and the first month were pretty rough. He was verbally unpleasant and his dementia seemed worse. I definitely think an extra companion is vital and pick someone he will be excited to see if possible.

Both his mood and his memory improved. We found little dry erase boards at the dollar store and put them on any closed door in our new house- labeling what the rooms were so he could figure out where he was in the house. I tried to keep up the same routines. Same grocery chain, same food, walk every morning, etc.

eaglemom

The dry erase boards on the doors is a great idea. Just make certain to not put too much info on them. Too much will become confusing. As you already know routine routine routine is what works best and it seems that you are doing that. That's great.

Have you switched your physicians yet? His neurologist? If not, I would encourage you doing that sooner rather than later. Just to become established before you need to see them is always a good idea in my book.

eagle

mrahope

Thanks, eaglemom. As it turns out, we are already looking into those switches. Son has some contacts because he is a practice administrator at a clinic. DIL is trying to book us some appointments. We are lucky to have them both "on our team".

Quilting brings calm

My mom’s neurologist ordered medication BECAUSE we were moving her. He said it was the only way we were going to make it on a 12 hour drive with her. He knew we’d have to go to a new doctor in her new location for further treatment.

Butterfly- we’ve dealt with the truck door being opened at speed too. On that very trip mentioned above. We were newbies to this adventure. Now we know that child locks need engaged when she’s less than lucid( as in the middle of a UTI).

Back to the post- I suggest you schedule movers to come in and pack and move you. Don’t pack ahead of time. Send the road trippers off and have the movers come in an hour later. Will it cost more than doing it all yourself? Yes. Will items be moved that you’d prefer to pitch? Yes. will the realtors need to wait until after that and work with you via phone etc? Yes.