Stuck in the Middle

RochieCat

Hello,

My mom is 89 and has stage 5 dementia. She moved in with my husband and me two years ago when we relocated from western NY to Raleigh NC for his job. She has a whole floor to herself with a big bedroom, huge living area, and full bathroom. No kitchen, but having a stove and using knives on her own is scary. We built a screened in porch for her. She has a cat. I take her to daycare twice a week. She calls it living in “the cellar.”

My husband and I both work full time from home. We don’t have a ton of time to check on her the days she’s here. I feel guilty. My husband has been complaining loudly about not feeling comfortable in his own home because of my mom. Yet he loves her, and was the first to say she had to come with us when we made the move for his job.

My mom has had many terrible mood flips and can throw or snatch things. She puts stuff in crazy places overnight and accuses us of doing it to make her crazy. My husband has taken to leaving me alone with mom at dinner time when we bring her upstairs with us.

Everyone is miserable, and I’m at the end of my rope. What to do????

MP8

Hello RochieCat,

So sorry you are going through this.

My mother also made many comments/complaints while she lived with me. (She moved to AL less than a week ago.) We had things disappear and turn up in odd places - or not turn up at all. She accused my son, who lives with me, of taking and selling her things. From what I understand, this is all part of the disease, even if there are portions of the behavior that may be similar to how a person was before. For my part, I refused to eat with my mother to save my sanity. I just couldn't listen to non-stop criticisms while I was eating. I also work full time and couldn't spend a lot of time taking my mother places or doing things with her on a daily basis. My mother refused to go to the activity center. It was all very challenging.

That being said, have you spoken with her doctors about possible medication to help with the moods? This made a big difference in our ability to tolerate my mother being here.

Two years is a long time to live with someone who is challenging. I did it for 15 1/2 months, and there were days I didn't know if I would make it to the next! It's interesting that, after resisting strongly, my mother loves the AL facility and having her own apartment (and not having me "boss her around"). She mentioned to my daughter how much she likes having a restaurant that serves three meals a day. I still feel guilty, even though it was no longer safe for her to be here and my mental and physical well-being, as well as my son's, were being affected. But she seems to be fine and enjoying life more. In fact, she told me I didn't need to visit except to bring her things that she needs. I guess I should feel less guilty!

When I posted about my mother, several people suggested I call the Alzheimer's Association Helpline (800.272.3900). The people were great - both the person who answered the call and took the general information and the social worker who came on the line next. Just listening to their calm voices helped me be more centered, and the ideas the social worker shared were very helpful. You might consider giving them a call. The number is staffed 24/7.

solerdr

Sorry you are having to go through this experience.

My father wore my mother, sister, and me out. We tried to care for him at home for almost three years and we eventually had to put him in a Memory Care Facility, his safety, and for our health.

Initially there may be feelings of guilt; however, there is nothing one can do to reverse the disease and the facilities and staff are set up to provide 24-hour care, which at one point or another most ALZs patients need.

Moving my father to a Memory Care Facility was an act of love as he need more care than we could provide.

What is in your mother's best interests? What is best for her safety? What is best for you and your family?

May God's light guide your day and His spirit bring you peace.

Damion