A question about religion

Palmetto Peg

My DH is probably in mid-stage 3, moving toward 4. He was raised as a Catholic, went to Catholic elementary and high school, and attended mass regularly. After his divorce 30 years ago, he was totally turned off by the church and has not gone at all. Lately he has started wanting to go to church, and is reading a lot about various religious topics. He is obsessed with God and is sure that going to mass will solve all of his problems. More than once I have asked him for assistance in doing something around the house, and he has told me he can't because God wants him to find out what mission He has for my DH and he has to keep reading. Should I be worried or glad that he wants to reconnect with the church? I am not Catholic and he is insisting that I convert so we can both be saved. Is the desire for a connection with religion common among people with dementia? I am happy to attend mass with him, but I am not so sure I want to convert. I have some philosophical issues with the church and am pretty content with where I am spiritually. Thanks for any insight on this!

Quilting brings calm

If you haven’t already, move money from a joint account to one in your name as soon as it gets deposited. Remove his access to credit cards or limit what he can do with them. His next steps will probably be to want to donate large sums to the church. That was one of the earliest signs - my grandmother started donating to the Crystal Cathedral when she had never been religious. We didn’t realize the connection to this disease for a few more years.

If he is attending a specific church, schedule a meeting with a representative there and explain your spouse’s cognitive issue.

Don’t convert - but maybe you can attend occasionally and think about your shopping and errand list during the service.

Palmetto Peg

Good point about him wanting to donate! He was sending money to his law school alma mater every time they asked. Before I started screening the mail, he had donated way more than he ever did before. I know the time is coming where I have to take complete control of the money, but this does make me realize it has to be sooner than later. I will talk to the church if and when he becomes a member. Right now he would still have to get an annulment from his marriage that ended in divorce 30 years ago. I was hoping he would lose interest before that happened!

SDianeL

Get a DPOA done now while he can still sign his name. Contact an Elder Law Attorney. I'm so glad I did it right away as my brother-in-law suggested. My husband with a few months could no longer sign his name or understand documents. Once you get the DPOA you can use it to work on the finances. See if your bank can notify you of all transactions. I would go with him to mass as it may calm him. I would not convert unless I really wanted to. Just keep putting it off. Talk to the priest and explain the situation. My DH has obsessions. Not with religion but with the trash and the pantry and obsessed with checking on our car in the parking lot every night. He actually organizes our trash several times a day. He also will sit for yours and rearrange the pantry. I think it's something they can control and calms them. Their brains are losing control and trying to make sense out of chaos.

Palmetto Peg

We have done the CELA stuff and I have a DPOA. I have access to all of the bank accounts, credit cards, etc., but if I saw a big transaction after it was made, I guess it would be too late. I need to be a little more vigilant when it comes to finances. I will go to mass with him - lately it appears that he is uneasy about going anywhere without me, so I just go along. My DH is definitely obsessed with religion right now, but I wonder if it will pass and something else will take its place? Things didn't seem to change much with him for a while, but within a matter of weeks he became more anxious, forgetful, and began walking very slowly. We have a neurology appointment in two weeks, so I will definitely bring it up then. I don't plan to convert - it would feel too dishonest but I will just keep telling him I am not quite ready and want to attend church a little more first. As you all say - rinse and repeat! Thanks so much for the advice!

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Chammer

Going to church, reciting the long ago memorized scripture and prayers, following the service routine may provide comfort and a sense of accomplishment for your DH during these middle stages. I'm sure the priest and church leadership would be understanding of his diagnosis if you feel like it is necessary to explain. It might also be a good time for you together as a couple as long as it is a positive experience.

Elshack

My DH and I are both divorced Catholics and have been married for 39 yrs. Obviously we didn't get married in the Catholic Church the second time around BUT we are still members of a Catholic Church. Your DH doesn't need to get an annulment to go back to attending Mass. This may give him some comfort. I would definitely explain your situation to the pastor of the Catholic chuch he wants to attend. No need for you to convert and no need to explain why. My DH is late stage and is on hospice. We haven't been to church in many years but I did have the priest annoint him with prayers for the sick and dying. I know your DH is in the earliest stages. Good idea to mention thisnew obsession to the neurologist . Who knows? It may pass.

harshedbuzz

@Palmetto Peg said: "We have done the CELA stuff and I have a DPOA. I have access to all of the bank accounts, credit cards, etc., but if I saw a big transaction after it was made, I guess it would be too late. I need to be a little more vigilant when it comes to finances. "

Exactly.

Do mention the sudden onset religiosity to his neurologist-- especially the 180 from his post-divorce baseline-- it may be the usual "going home" PWD seek or it could indicate activity in specific parts of the brain.

Please lock down your household finances and investments. You will need funds for care as his condition worsens and for your own life in stage 8. My dad lost $360K day-trading and it informed our care options as he progressed and mom's life in Stage 8. You don't get a do-over.

HB

Denise1847

Dear Palmetto Peg,

At the age most of us are, it is not unusual for people to examine our lives, realize we are in the last chapter of our lives and reach out for a relationship with God. Given that your husband seems to be able to process these deep thoughts, this is what may be going on. Another words, this may be a good thing for your hubby. I have been going to church for about 10 years. It wasn't until I came upon bad times with my own health, COVID and my husband's alz diagnosis that God got my attention. I actually had a dream before all of these things rained down on me that I am absolutely certain was from God. It showed that I was going to go through a very scary time but would come through it with God guiding me through. This may be a blessing for him and you as your journey through this horrible disease.

Palmetto Peg

All of your comments have been so helpful! I think I am going to embrace his obsession with religion as a means of comfort to him. He does reminisce about when he was young and his parents were alive, and of course church was a big part of that. It just happened so suddenly that I was caught off guard. He has definitely had a significant change in his abilities within a very short period of time. We coasted for quite a while in early stages, but suddenly things have accelerated. I will take steps to lock down the bank accounts right now. He is very shaky on the computer right now, and is always asking for help with simple things, so getting the accounts changed over to my name won't be a problem. He just needs a little cash in his pocket. He only drives two blocks from our house to the golf course, where he plays with the same three guys who understand his condition. I think soon I will ask if one of them will pick him up and drop him back off. He is fearful of driving any distance, so it hasn't been a problem for me to take that over.

He knows he can attend mass without an annulment, but it bothers him that he can't receive the sacraments and that he can't really be a member. We are going to meet with the priest soon, and I will get a note to him before our meeting explaining my DH's situation.

Thanks again for all of the advice. This disease feels like whack-a-mole - I am always trying to keep up with the new problems that arise!

Ed1937

"but suddenly things have accelerated. " Do you think there is a chance he has a UTI? That could cause sudden changes, and it's one of the easiest things to take care of unless it has progressed significantly. Might be worth checking for.

"but it bothers him that he can't receive the sacraments and that he can't really be a member." I'm assuming you are referring to receiving communion. If that is the case, could you tell him you spoke to the priest, and he can receive communion? In all probability, if he were to go up for communion, he wouldn't have a problem (unless the priest is keenly aware of his past). In other words, does the priest really have to be involved in this? You know your DH better than anyone else, and this may not work for him. I'm just throwing it out there. Do what you think is in the best interest for both of you.

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Palmetto Peg

We do have a living trust, and I am fairly confident it has everything in it that we need. We recently relocated from South Carolina, where it was drawn up, so I do want to meet with a CELA here to be sure that nothing needs to be changed for New Jersey. I will find one and get in to see them as soon as possible. This sudden change in his condition did catch me a little off guard. It is clear that dementia does not follow a linear path!

You are so right about the driving. I will take him to the golf course tomorrow and then put something in place. He is aware that he has memory deficits, and we have talked about driving and the liability it exposes us to. I don't anticipate any issues with telling him I will be driving him from now on. He was an attorney, and still can understand things like liability.

I doubt he has a UTI - he has been seeing a urologist for urinary problems, and just did another urine test last week. I will watch him closely, however, and if he declines any more I will check in with the doctor. I am not sure what happened, but it just seems like he suddenly got much more forgetful, and his voice got lower and softer, and he started shuffling his feet a little more. After a few days he was a little better, but certainly not back to where we were a month ago. Could it have been a small stroke? Sigh......

Lots to think about! Thank you all for your helpful comments and advice. It is never taken lightly - we are all strangers in a strange land with this disease!

Palmetto Peg

Ed 1937 - thanks for the comment about communion. Because he was raised in such a Catholic family, he considers it a sin to receive communion if you are not allowed to - i.e., divorced, no annulment. He would never do it, but during communion I can see that he feels bad. From what I understand, an annulment can take years to be approved, so it may be a moot point.

Iris L.

Shuffling feet, soft voice--consider Parkinson's Disease.

The priest may ask him about going to confession before taking communion.

Iris

Palmetto Peg

Iris - his mother had Parkinson's, but no doctor we have seen has mentioned it. Are there any other signs I should look for?

He would be fine going to confession - apparently that is just part of the Catholic faith. He wants to meet the priest to talk about the process, so we will do that.

Thank you!

GothicGremlin

Hi there Palmetto Peg -

I was thinking much along the lines as @Denise1847 - that he's reflecting where he's been, where he is now, and where he's going, and his Catholic faith is springing up to guide him. Speaking as a "lapsed" Catholic, I can understand that feeling if that's what it is. I come from a very religious family of Italian Catholics. I didn't go to a Catholic elementary or high school, but I was in church every Sunday, church on every single holy day of obligation, and catechism class once a week (with homework).

There's something about the Catholic faith that's hard to quit - even if you think you have. Maybe it's the indoctrination (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just can't think of a better word). When I went to church for my uncle's memorial in March, I still knew when to stand, sit, kneel, and could recite all of the prayers/call and response as if I'd never left.

Maybe this is where your DH is. And maybe it's comforting to him. He's being buffeted by all of the changes that dementia brings. But - I bet his childhood memories and interactions with the church are still intact in his brain, and it gives him something solid to hold onto.

Obviously I agree about all of the legal issues that everyone has brought up, but I kind of put the interest he has in Catholicism in a separate box even though I think dementia can intensify how a PWD feels about it.

I feel like I've used way too many words to say what I mean, but like you, I have mixed feelings about the church, even though there is a lot of good there. I really hope that his renewed interest in Catholicism helps him.

GothicGremlin

P.S. You're absolutely right - the priest may not know that your DH has been divorced with no annulment, but your DH knows, and because he knows, it would be a sin for him to receive communion.

But I wonder -- could you talk to the priest and tell him what's up? Maybe the priest can find a way around the strict requirements? It might be worth an ask.

Iris L.

People with Parkinson's Disease also may exhibit tremors, stiffness, uncontrollable movements, poor balance and falls. There are gastrointestinal and other symptoms besides the movement symptoms. I suggest that you read about it and observe your DH closely so you can describe to the doctor. A neurologist is the doctor to see. There are neurologists who specialize in movement disorders, just as there are neurologists that specialize in the dementias.

Iris

Palmetto Peg

Iris - he doesn't exhibit any of those symptoms, and I am familiar with them because of his mother. I don't know what happened to accelerate his disease, but will certainly be discussing it on August 3 when we see the neurologist. Thanks for the input - everything suggestion is such a help!

Gothic Gremlin - I get what you are saying about the church. He remembers all of the prayers and knows when to bow, cross himself, etc. I hope it does give him some peace and I will definitely speak to the priest privately at some point and let him know what is up.

Today was his golf day and I drove him to the course. He didn't seem to notice that this was a change from his routine where he drove himself, so I will just keep doing it. Now what to do with an extra car!!!!

Thank you all! This forum is a lifesaver for me!

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Iris L.

Peg, it's good that your DH doesn't have these other signs of Parkinson's Disease. There is a lot of overlap in signs and symptoms in neurologic diseases. Best wishes to you both.

Iris

Palmetto Peg

Does anyone ever have Parkinson's without tremors? He definitely does not have those, but you are right, Iris, there is lots of overlap. Just another reason why each PWD is different.

Iris L.

Yes, a person may have Parkinson's Disease without tremors.

Iris

Palmetto Peg

I will definitely discuss his changing voice and slower gait when we see his neurologist. Thank you for the info. I am also going to read more about Parkinson's before we go.