Ideas for hygiene

debbieH

My mom doesn’t bathe or wash up .she tells me she does but no towels or underwear are used or changed . She gets angry when I tell her she hadn’t . Please help with ideas

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Debbie. Does your mom live alone? My mother not bathing, all the while insisting that she was, was one of the first signs that she could no longer live alone, and she needed assisted living or memory care.

Teepa Snow has some wonderful videos and advice about how to make bathing easier for dementia sufferers. https://teepasnow.com/blog/11-tips-for-bathing-a-person-living-with-dementia/

She has many other wonderful videos about bathing on Youtube that are easy to search for on that site:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OLrilAeT1U

Dementia sufferers really don't like to bath. Maybe they don't like the feel of water on their skin. Maybe they get cold. There may be many other sensory issues that they are suffering from.

With my mom I had to be gentle but insistent that "We're going to take a bath." Not make it a question of "Would you like a bath?" and wait for her agreement, because it would never come. Instead I had to be firm that this is what we're going to do. Sometimes she would put up a fuss so I would let it go until the next day and she was in a more agreeable mood. One time I enlisted the help of a neighbor-girlfriend whom she trusted and that went smoothly.

Emily 123

Hi Debbie,

Same with my mom. In her earlier stages she was determined that she had showered--after all, she was a daily shower-taker for as long as I can remember. I could get her in the tub occasionally if I drew a bath for her. She once said to me: 'People used to take just one bath a week', and maybe this was a regression.

As Ann has said, make it something of a done deal, rather than a request. I would start the water and tell my mom it was going to be a waste of water and electricity, and sometimes that would help (she was a depression era kid). Sometimes I would tell her ''Ok, I've gotten the water started for you'' and acted like it had been her idea to take a shower all along but that I had had to fiddle with the shower because the tap wasn't working correctly. Lots of resistance, and sometimes you just have to let it go for another day. I don't know about others, but sometimes a good week would be one where a single shower had been taken. Mom would wipe down with a washcloth in between, and as long as she was actually cleaning herself I'd had to decide to accept that that was as good as we'd get-otherwise the stress around this was starting to be unhealthy for me. The unkempt and smelly hair? Well, I just had to let that go too, no matter what mandate I felt like she had given me to keep her looking presentable when we had discussed her aging, pre-dementia. It wasn't worth activating her mother/daughter dynamic, which was always on the 'cold anger' side. At this point she can't keep the thought of why she's mad at me in her head, so it's easier in some ways.

She's now stage 5 and, with that, is a bit more open to suggestions, though may still get a bit resistant about it. I've found that if I start the shower for her she will get in. I am astounded that her dementia focused AL has showers that require multiple steps to set up correctly, rather than something simple like the separate hot/cold taps that their residents grew up with. I wonder if some of the struggles are that the person with dementia can't figure out how to operate the taps. I do think there are other issues, as Ann has mentioned, but I realised when I looked at the ridiculous showers in the AL how much we take for granted in being able to figure things out.

This is a tough, common issue, I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

StefanieH

I also have a hard time asking/suggesting to my mom that it's "shower time" when we're just hanging out at the house rather than going somewhere. She usually questions the fact when I tell her she didn't shower the day before, or she has been wearing the same clothes (and sleeping in them) for 2 days. I don't want to treat her like a child since she's still in the early-ish stages of dementia, but at times I feel like I have to. I just don't know HOW to approach it.
When she was staying at my house, it was easy because she was unsure of how to turn on the shower and get the temperature just right, so I would get it started for her as if it was her idea to shower and she asked me to help with the water temp. We're staying back at her house now, although my husband and daughter are still at MY house--I hate that we're split up--and it's harder for me to make sure she showers and changes! I don't expect a daily shower, but I'd at least like to see her take one every other day. I do want her to change her clothes daily since she seems to prefer to sleep in them rather than put on her nightgown, but she pushes back on that too. I've tried laying out her clothes after we both pick something out, and she still goes back to what she was wearing before.
I'm also looking for ideas!

Emily 123

Stefanie's comment reminded me that I would have success if I told Mom we were going out. I would get so frustrated that she would dig her heels in otherwise! Maybe try that?