Moving mom out of her house

Ngal

My mom has mid-stage dementia, and her memory and communication skills are getting a lot worse lately. She lives alone and has caregivers come in a few times a week. We feel it is time to move her to assisted living, but she is adamant about staying in her house. Whenever we even mention moving, she gets extremely angry. I just don't know how we can physically get her from her house to the assisted living facility without her kicking and screaming.

Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you handle it? Any advice is appreciated.

M1

Do you have power of attorney for her? You will need it, obviously, if you move her against her will. I would absolutely not tell her ahead of time and just take her. It's not something her broken brain can process. You may need to say something benign like you're going out for lunch, or something like that; let the staff at the facility help you once you get there. You could in fact go for a meal and then leave. Some have used excuses like broken pipes, radon exposure, anything you can think of to say "you need to stay here while such and such is fixed."

My closest experience was having to move my partner from one memory care facility to another at the end of April. We did it without any discussion ahead of time; friends of ours came and drove her to the new place, while I stayed behind to finish up signout paperwork and then met them at the new place. She was not happy when she realized she would be staying there, but we just bowed out quickly and left her with the very experienced staff. I was able to visit a few days after that, and she had absolutely no memory of the previous facility, although she had been there for over a year. And she certainly has no memory of where home is/was.

solerdr

You are making the right and loving decision for your mother.

I agree, DO NOT tell her ahead of time.

We simply told my father we were going to visit some folks we knew (therapuetic lying), this was right before lunch, met the staff and sat down for lunch. As my father was eating, each one of us excused ourselves to go to the restroom and slipped out the exit. If you do this you may have mixed emotions: relief and guilt for "sneaking off"; however, it is the best for your mother and you. She will eventually settle in once she feels comfortable.

We instructed the staff to not allow my father to call us at the house, and he settled in nicely as he felt how well the staff cared for him.

I wish you the best.

May God's light guide your day and His spirit bring you peace of heart.

harshedbuzz

Stop discussing this with her. She is unsafe at home and probably can't appreciate the level to which she is impaired, so any discussion is just cruel.

Assuming you are her POA and agent on her Health Care Directive, you just do it. If she has not given you (or someone else) the power to make it happen, then you petition the courts for emergency guardianship/conservatorship first.

I would tour a couple of MCFs and decide on which seems best to you-- quality care, well trained staff, convenient for POA-- make the arrangements and bring her there under the guise of a lunch out or doctor appointment. It'll likely take several weeks for her to settle in, but once she does, she may do very well with dementia-informed routines and staff.

While she settles in, it's best to use a fiblet about this being a temporary stay related to getting stronger, having toxic work done at her home, etc. You don't lay it out like "I'm selling you house because you live here now".

HB

Ngal

Thank you all for your replies. We appreciate you sharing your experiences related to your loved ones with dementia. Even though it will be difficult, I know that it is in her best interest to move her.