New member

lisavet

Hello. I am new here. My father has dementia and terrible sundowners. He just recently went into a nursing home and this is very hard on me. I visit frequently and leaving him is the hardest. Most visits are good but today he was extremely sad when I was leaving so I cried the entire drive home. I wish I could help him but it is not in my power and this breaks my heart. It will not get easier, I went through this with my father in law so this I know. Now its my father and it really stinks. Thanks for listening

solerdr

Sorry you are having to go through this with your father.

I understand. This happened with me and my father.

He was my father, my mentor, my friend...my hero.

This disease is known as "the long good-bye" and each and every time we visit we are saying goodbye again, and again, and again.

I used to invoke therapeutic lying with my father to quell his sadness when I was leaving. I used to tell him I had to go to a meeting and that I'd be back in an hour.

Another thing we started doing to help him was to visit him right before lunch, or dinner (about 30 minutes prior), and then when it was time for his meal, we would walk him to the table, sit him down with others, which distracted him, and then once the food was served, we told him we needed to go to the bathroom; then we would slip out of the facility. This seemed to help all of us.

I wish you the best.

May God's light guide your day and His spirit bring you peace.

Damion

lisavet

Solerdr

thank you for the reply. My father would not do well with your approach. For in the moment he knows what is going on and often wants to walk me to the door to wave goodbye. Sometimes asks me to take him home and I have to remind him that he cant go with me. Other times he gets sad and tears up and other times he simply nust says goodbye until next time. He gets sundowners around 4-5 so i always leave before that sets in. It is just hard. We are very close. I have helped care for both my parents for 5 years. Just try to keep my tears out of sight and in my personal moments.

Anonymousjpl123

I’m so sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you are working to be sure ve has good care, and showing him you love him. That’s the best any of us can hope for. I wish there was a way to blunt the sadness. We all have such different situations but the moments of deep sadness seems to cross over the details.

lisavet

Anonymousjpl123

thank you for the message. Doing all I can. Yes the sadness is quite overwhelming but this is part of the disease. Just hope for better days more than bad ones

CarolynATL

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it truly is heartbreaking. You're doing the things I tried with my father when he was alert enough to want out. When it was a difficult crying-in-the-car kind of day, I'd tell myself that he's in a safe place and has good people around him. You're doing the right things for him and you clearly love him. Hugs and best wishes to you and your father.