Denial

tawnyam

I left my job 8 months ago to get my mom out of a memorycare facility because she hated it.
Now she thinks that she can live on her own again. She doesn't understand that living with me or memory care are her only options.
There are occasional times that we can talk and she understands but they are very few.
I don't know what I can do to make her get that she doesn't have any other options.
When I tell her she then wants to get tested. Bit won't take an online test.
Her new complaint is that there is too much cursing in the house between my son and I and the TV. This makes her uncomfortable.
When we watch a show that I think is too much for her I warn her that she probably won't like it. But she says she can handle it.
I'm just getting so frustrated.

FlowerpowerVt

I totally get it! I have been living in a small apt with my mom for two years because she can’t live alone. But she doesn’t recognize that she needs help. She actually thinks she’s helping me. I know she’d hate memory care so I cant even bring it up, but the whole situation has made me incredibly depressed. It’s sooo hard!

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CindiLee

ALZ is such an ugly mean disease.

You have to "give up" trying to reason with your parent. They no longer have the ability to understand. In their minds they are still very capable of taking care of themselves. Nothing you say will change her mind.

No living arrangement will ever make your mom happy except for the one she "had".

I talked to mom about moving to an ALF for a year and even visited a couple of them with her. When we finally moved her, she denied being told about it. She screamed at us and started throwing things. It was awful. She fought it the entire time. Cried and asked why I was doing this to her. Luckily I had a lot of help from the wellness director at the facility.

Mom has been in a memory care facility for 18 months now and still asks when she can leave, go home. I tell her when she gets better. We call them "fiblets". Its a lie but it doesn't hurt anyone. By my mom living in the memory care facility, I can be more of a daughter to her than caregiver. I know she is safe.

When it's time for me to leave, she follows me to the door, puts her hand on the door and looks out longingly. She asks if she can go with me. I always say, "next time". Fortunately a nurse has to unlock the door so he/she usually will take mom by the arm and encourage her to go in the common area to watch the movie with her friends. The distraction helps because leaving is so very hard.

I usually let out a good scream when I get in the car.

CarolynATL

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's difficult seeing our loved ones spiral like this. Her ability to understand is now out of her control. The priority now is to keep her safe. As for the tv, there may be triggers that cause her behavior to change. For example, my dad's memory care facility was engaging my dad in activities in the late afternoon, which caused his anxiety to spike and he'd lash out at other residents. As you see these behaviors, you may want to consider how you can make adjustments to her environment. Is there a task or activity she can do in another room while you watch tv? My dad loved folding napkins or putting socks together.