How do I get my mom back to MC when she won't go?

ghphotog

Placed my mother in MC a month ago and it's heartbreaking for her and I understand. My DW is deep into Alzheimer's as well and my mom can't stay with me. I know I should never take her out of MC but can't let her feel abandoned so I do. It's so locked down there that she can't even go outside into the locked courtyard for air without a staff member letting her out so it's hell for her to be so locked up.

Anyway, I try to take her out of there every few days, take her to lunch, let her spend time with her dog, etc. Trying to take her back has been very difficult as she refuses to go back. Yesterday was a nightmare and we both got ugly with each other. She cursed me for putting her there and hoped the rest of my life I live regret for it.

How do I get her back when she refuses? I can't physically pick her up and put her in the car and she doesn't understand why she has to go back. It turns into screaming and yelling. If I try to force her I could somehow get in trouble with APS and that would be a another nightmare to deal with.

zauberflote

@ghphotog I feel for you, what a heartbreakingly difficult "sandwich" you are in. My mom also hated being in MC, and reviled me and my brother at the beginning. She had a very calm temperament, though, and enough cognitive reserve to teach herself to accept it just as she had done with AL a couple of years before that. She had the same courtyard problem too-- the french door was so heavy that she couldn't have opened it even without the walker in the way, and couldn't remember that it existed anyway... :-( I was able to take her out for concerts, meals, drives, and we did this until she was physically unable to manage. Then we'd visit in her quiet and peaceful room, NOT the freezing, soap opera or Hallmark saturated little common room.

I think temperament and relationship play a large part in how we and our LO's deal with each other and situations. Mom was easier than many on this front, and we had a very good relationship even when I had to start "being the mother" to her.

Sometimes people have to refrain from taking their LO out for a while, and sometimes even stay away without visiting. @M1 has been through this in spades over the past maybe year-plus.

Another good thing to do is to ask the staff how your mom is on an ordinary day. Sometimes they may even sneak you a photo of that happy grin-- my mom's activity director was very good with the little videos and snapshots. I always found those comforting.

ghphotog

I know I should stay away longer and have been told that as well so partly my fault I understand. The staff say she is always looking for and waiting for me to show up. IDK, I feel for her and understand she's hurt by me.

ButterflyWings

@ghphotog - hugs to you. Zauberflote's reply is spot on, I think. And she is speaking from experience. My DH has only been in MC for respite and I almost could not leave him then, lol. It was fine, but was much harder on me than on him actually. So, I can understand how you are feeling, but might you also be projecting your feelings onto her? Remember, she needs MC level security for a reason. And it really is not prison.

I wonder with dementia if she is thinking you are coming to take her home for good, every time you get her out? With a confused brain that really could be. Imagine the frustration if then, you shift gears "unexpectedly" and tell her she is going back. For my DH it would be like the first time, every time, given his super short memory and attention span for the last several years. With the level of resistance you are seeing, she may truly feel betrayed and surprised about returning to MC every time. That does seem like it would make it hard to settle in, and actually take longer over time, to get used to her MC routine as "home". If someone else were creating a situation that caused our LOs that much anxiety, anger and upheaval we would shut it down right away, and rightfully so. It may be that the excursions are causing more harm than good, even though you mean well.

The other thing is - well you know that saying about insanity. It is when we do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I hate dementia. My own acceptance and adjustments, adapting to what is, versus what I wish -- that has been the most helpful thing on this journey. Not easy, but necessary and well worth adjusting my expectations and actions to reality, since DH cannot.

M1

ghphotog, I have been through this, with my partner not my mother. Sounds odd, but I was very lucky that both my parents died sudden deaths of heart attacks--my mother and I had a strained relationship and I was fortunate not to have to provide long-term care for her. I don't know how we would have done.

I could not visit my partner in MC alone for over a year until we moved facilities, and now i can visit alone, but it's still not easy--she hates it when I leave and there is no distracting her, because she will not participate in group activities (you hear of others being able to "slip out"--I wish!!). I did not ever, ever, ever take her out of the other facility, not once in 13 months we were there. Not to a doctor's appointment, even, much less to any other destination. At the new facility (moved on 4/28), she has been to two doctor's appointments, and that's it. We do not go out for drives, meals, anything, because I would have the same issue of her not wanting to go back.

As hard as it is, you are probably not doing her any favors with these trips out because it is keeping her stirred up. I would suggest a couple of things, which might or might not work; and you may want to discuss these alternatives with the administrator. First, I would try not visiting at all for an arbitrary period--maybe two or three weeks? Maybe even no telephone calls, and then gradually reintroduce some contact, like maybe a FaceTime call if they can do that. This may help her to bond with the staff and other residents.

Second, when you do resume visits, find ways to interact with her there that do no involve leaving the premises. If you want to have lunch with her, take a picnic: I do this frequently now, mostly on weekends. I wouid also try to limit your conversations about outside things. I have found that it is best if I do not remind my partner at all about our farm, our animals, even neighbors. She has forgotten them, and it only upsets her to bring them up. Taking your mother back to her former home to see her dog, etc., is probably making everything harder on you and her. You sound like you know this: so what is keeping you doing it? I say that with no criticism, just a suggestion to examine your motives/guilt, whatever is driving it.

Wish there were easier answers. But what you are doing is not working, as you yourself have said.

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harshedbuzz

@ghphotog

You've already gotten a lot of good insight around this. Your situation is unique in that you are caregiver to both a mother and wife and have had to make some draconian choices because of the confluence of two next-of-kin relatives and their personality/presentations.

I feel like the important piece is to focus on the fact that you did not do this to your mother-- dementia made this situation.

If the goal of your visits is to make your mom happy, you are not achieving the goal. Being taken out is agitating her and making the situation worse for both of you right now. You might even serve as a trigger for these feelings she has which would make it a kindness to avoid her for a bit. Perhaps things will improve if she settles in and you can revisit outings then, but for now I would back off. Maybe you could get takeout or bakery treats and eat in the courtyard as a treat. Maybe you could hire a companion to come and help integrate her into activities or do things with her.

I'm not sure about where you are located, but IME those lovely courtyards touted during tours tend to be heavily restricted for the safety of residents. At dad's MCF, they had strict temperature guidelines for opening them to residents and when opened, an aide did a well-check every 15 minutes which means taking someone away from hands-on care of the residents indoors. This seemed to be the case at every facility I toured-- the garden, courtyard, walking path was usually empty unless a family member too their LO outside.