In accepting and angry

Neelloc

I am a mess!

Both of my parents have dementia. My mom was diagnosed with alz a few years ago. They have been in memory care for six months. I have had conversations with them about what is happening. I have discussed having to sell their house. One minute they understand the next they don't. They do not remember permitting me to sell their house. I don't know what to do. Their house sold. They demand to go home. They demand to see their home. Seeing it sold or reminding them they permitted me to sell it and it sold is not going to work. They permitted me to sell a vehicle to my sister, but then they forgot. Telling me today not to sell anything else. I am POA.

I am torn apart over all this. I need advise.

Emily 123

Hi neeloc,

With both of them diagnosed with dementia the POA must take over to make sound decisions for care on their behalf. They lack the capacity for insight, reasoning, using logic, and sound judgement. They cannot function independently. You have taken steps to liquidate their holdings to provide for their care. They made a good choice when they selected you as POA!

Their confusion is all part of the disease. That's not your or their fault.

Moving forward you should strive to not discuss any of the actions you have had to take-they don't have the capacity to understand. No sense in poking a bear with a stick. Often the disease causes anosognosia, or an inability to be able to identify that they are having issues.

It is ok to tell them 'fiblets' to soothe them.

Some people tell their parents they are in the MC because the doctor recommended it and/or they can't go home because they decided to get work done on the house (mold remediation, exterminators, new roof, plumbing, etc). You will find a reason that works for them.

I would make some calls to update your family about their being upset and discuss what to say IF the question of the house, car, etc comes up. The best thing is to completely avoid any discussion of what you're doing for them, and if they bring it up, immediately divert the conversation. If it were me, I'd lie low for a few days too, and let the dust settle until they forget about this.

Reading this might help the caregivers in your family figure out some approaches. There are also excellent series on Youtube by Teepa Snow.

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Teepa-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

CindiLee

Yes! Fiblets! I do it all the time!

My mom has been in memory care for 18 months. She still asks when she can go home. I tell her when she gets better. When she asks when is that, I'll say when the doctor says its ok.

When she asks about her car I tell her it's still in the shop. Mom had an accident 3 years ago and her car was totaled. It's been in the shop for a long time 😁

We also said there was work being done on her house. Her house has been sold and most of her stuff was sold but when she asks about something, I just tell her its right where she left it. If you have to, pull out old pictures as proof.

And let some time pass in between visits. They'll be so happy to see you, they won't remember the conversation from a week ago.

This is hard but your parents are safe. And you have to take care of you.

Neelloc

Having to take charge of everything quickly has left me with feelings I have trouble understanding. I feel guilty about everything I have had to do. I know it all has to be done. Perhaps it's not guilt, but grief and fear of the future.

Emily 123

I think it's all three for me, but mostly guilt.

It took me a while to come to terms with my mom's loss of autonomy, and actually appreciate how much reasoning she had already lost--I had to remind myself that I didn't do that, this stupid disease did. Plus most of us probably want our person's approval (it's soooo tempting to try to explain our actions) or we don't want to lie when they ask us a direct question (especially to a parent!). It's tough. But take some time for yourself too, and know you're doing a good job taking care of them.

Anonymousjpl123

I think your feelings make perfect sense. That is an awful lot to deal with: selling house, 2 parents with Alzheimer’s, POA. It is a lot.

You can let go of the guilt. You are taking care of your parents by ensuring they are safe, cared for, and you are still in contact. I’m sure this has impacted your life and stress. Let the guilt go. And I’m sure whatever comes in the future you can handle it.

harshedbuzz

@Neelloc

Hi and welcome. I am doubly sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found us. One parent with dementia is difficult; two parents with dementia can be exponentially harder as they often have different needs based on stage, type and presentation and very often trigger the worst in one another.

@Emily 123 posted some great resources for you. Understanding the Dementia Experience was the one thing that got through my own mother's denial about dad's ability to participate as an equal partner in decision-making. She was looking for him to be "normal", she claimed she was being respectful, she was seeking approval and validation for being a good caregiver and it never went well. She created a lot of unnecessary drama for herself and, by extension, me. I'm not saying you are doing any of those things, but do watch for it because calling on them to use reasoning skills they no longer have is both cruel and ineffective.

You will need to act for them. Full stop. Just as you would not let a beloved child put themselves in danger of pick chocolate cake for breakfast daily, so you need to honor your parents by making the hard decisions for them.

My parents had 2 houses, both a considerable distance away. As POA, I needed them to move nearer to me. Mom didn't have dementia and was dad's caregiver so she was too busy to really manage the logistics of the moves. I picked an apartment for them and set it up while dad was in rehab and moved them into it and then went back and sold their primary house once I had them safely set up here. Mom told dad I sold the house which was completely avoidable and a mistake; it caused a lot of agitation and nearly landed dad in a psych ward for behaviors. When we sold his winter digs in FL, we did so behind his back which was so much easier on all of us. When he talked about going down in the fall, we agreed it would be nice and said we'd ask the doctor and find a way to make it happen.

Two thoughts to hold onto:

When they had more capacity they selected you for the role of POA because they trusted you and your judgement in making the hard decisions when they no longer could.

You are not taking them from their home-- that is, sadly, the work of dementia.

HB

solerdr

neelloc,

Sorry you are having to go through this experience in your life's journey.

Yes please learn how to implement therapeutic lying (fiblets, lies of love, etc.) as this is an act of love used to protect your loved ones.

As was stated earlier, if and when they tell you they want to go home, tell them the house is going through mold mitigation.

"When will it be done"? You: when them tell me it is all clear (the therapeutic lie). I am sure you will have to use this often as they will not remember the conversation.

And definitely do not tell them you sold the house as they will forget that they gave you POA to do so as has already been demonstrated.

You are definitely entitled to all of the emotions and feelings you are experiencing for I too experienced them as well. What helped me was to adjust my thinking. I started thinking about all of the years my father took care of me, how ye cared for me, nurtured me, spent time with me, taught me, was patient with me. When it came time to help my father navigate this terrible disease, I looked at it as an honor of doing the same for the man that gave me tools in this life to survive on my own without him.

My feelings of sadness and guilt turned to honor and gratitude for being given the chance to give back to my father and repay him for all that he had done for me in my life.

Of course, I had days of sadness; however, on those days, I reverted to thinking about ALL of the positive moments with my father and not focuse on the negatives of the disease and the situation at the time.

I hope this helps.

May God's light guide your day and His spirit bring you peace.

Sincerely,

Damion