Newly Adult Children

CorrieG

I’ve tried to talk to our 19 year old daughter about DH’s dementia but not very successfully. She’s been living on her own only since September and we moved to another state.

She just doesn’t show any reaction really and doesn’t reach out to either of us. I get that she’s probably overwhelmed or doesn’t know what to say to her dad. It also is probably a relief to not be living in this situation.

The reason it concerns me is that vascular dementia can move so fast. If she waits too long to visit, he may not remember her or be able to hold a meaningful conversation with her. He easily could have a stroke and be gone altogether.

I guess I just don’t know how much to push the issue or even if I should beyond what I have already said. I don’t want to lecture or guilt trip. Anybody else dealing with this?

PlentyQuiet

Hi Corrie

I have a 19 year old too. He seems to be reacting the same as your dtr, except that he lives at home. But he never seems to be bothered by the fact of Alzheimer's, just some of the behaviors. When I ask him about it he just replies along the lines of " I can't change it so..."

I've decided that grief just looks different at 19. I think I would feel better if I saw the occasional emotional storm, and I am also afraid that he is just bottling it up inside. Not much I can do except gently try to get him talking or suggest a therapist as a spot to destress.

Lecture and guilt trip are almost sure to backfire. Just keep offering to have her visit, staying at a hotel if she needs a space to decompress, or letting her know a short visit is okay as well. A visit would be a chance at company and conversation for you too.

It's hard helping a young adult start independent life while watching a spouse lose independence.

CorrieG

Thanks so much, PlentyQuiet! The hotel idea is a good one. I'm lucky she has a therapist already.

I think learning to live on her own takes up all of her energy and she just doesn't have enough bandwidth for everything. I agree about the emotional storm but everyone processes things different I suppose.

Quilting brings calm

I think your latest comment about learning to live on her own is very valid. In a perfect world, she’d just be a few miles away and you’d be there to guide her through it. But the world’s not perfect. People have to move to where they have the most support, ease of care, lower cost of living, etc and I’m sure you made the best choice that you could. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t somehow resent it. 19 year olds are pretty self centered.

In addition, I don’t know her financial or work situation. She may not be able to afford the travel, get the time off of work, or be able to financially take unpaid days off. It may be a while before she can visit. Can you video chat through Skype or FaceTime , etc?

Lastly, I just think that 19 year olds can’t grasp the dementia concept. Or the dying concept either. They think their parents will always be there, healthy and whole. Especially if they aren’t confronted with it daily.

Lgb35

Our adult children are in their early twenties. The oldest one lives with us and the youngest is in the military. He is the one I worry about because we only see him twice per year and he is due for a 9 month deployment next year. Right now DH is diagnosed with MCI and talking to him about general things you might not notice much. When you start talking about memories it is obvious. My youngest son is also expecting his first baby in November. I worry about my DH not knowing who my son is or have time to connect with the baby. So many people in our lives that we don’t see regularly are already gone from his memory.

CorrieG

Quilting- Facetime is a good idea. I can tell she doesn’t want to hear it but lately, I’ve shared more about the day to day issues he faces to give her an accurate picture of what she might experience when she visits. Time off isn’t a big deal, she knows I will help financially .

Stacey- I would be devastated if my DH doesn’t know her- that’s a really valid fear for your son who is deployed. Maybe FaceTime is a possibility for him also?

harshedbuzz

@CorrieG

I am sorry you feel unsupported by your daughter, but I feel like perhaps you are expecting more maturity than she can muster around this topic. Most people her age don't have a lot of lived experience around such things. IME, adulthood seems to start closer to 26 than 18. YMMV.

Is there more to this story? Your DD is 19 and you live in another state-- that's a little unusual these days. Is she a college student, a young parent, in the military or is she an independent 19-year-old just starting out? How did she feel about your out-of-state move? Why did you make the move? Did it impact her plans or leave her feeling abandoned or like you chose dad over what's best for the family?

How was her relationship with dad prior? I know my dad's behavior was pretty ghastly in the time leading up to his diagnosis and that you've reported unkindness from your DH as well. Could his behavior and you "putting up with it" as my younger nieces would describe it be part of why she won't go there with you.

You also mentioned him "patting" other women and being flirtatious in an earlier post. Could he have been confused and approached her in a way that was inappropriate? A few years before my dad was diagnosed, when I knew something was up with his memory but my mom was in denial and doctors weren't expressing concern except to nag about his drinking, dad came into the guest room when my niece was visiting and was inappropriate. My niece woke my mom with her screams, but even walking in on this my mom denied that it happened which only angered my niece who actively avoided them for several years until dad was officially diagnosed.

I would give her some space to come around on her own. I hope she does for everyone's sake. I get that you want to protect her from an ugly life-lesson, but I don't think you will prevail given your approach.

Your fear about him forgetting her is certainly understandable. But even if she were there daily, he might not remember at some point. My dad remembered my mom. He remembered my nieces who were busy establishing their lives as 30 somethings-- even the deadbeat he hadn't seen in 12 years. My family lived closer and I was there a lot; often my husband or son were with me. Dad knew me always. He referred to my DH of 35+ years as "that guy Harshed is shacking up with". He knew I had a son. He found DS amusing because he would chastise dad for nasty behavior towards me and he admired that. I think he was intimidated by DS's size. But once he saw a picture of his urologist, pointed to it an identified it as "Harsh's son". Dad's urologist is Japanese-American. My son looks like Ed Sheeran.

HB

CorrieG

It's not that I feel I need more support from her- it's more that I'm worried she's missing out and will regret the time she didn't spend or talk with him when he was lucid. I don't look to her for any support at all, really, because you're right, she just doesn't have the life experience to do that and she has her own life to deal with.

I'm pretty sure my DH has not been inappropriate with her- I've always been very proactive with her about that kind of thing and his boundaries weren't as fuzzy when we were living in Oregon. However, I know he wasn't always pleasant to be around, especially when he first received the diagnosis.

It's a good idea to give her space and I'll hope that they can connect in whatever way possible when she does see him.

Thanks, Harshed!